Today in New Types of Guy

The flowers are blooming in Antarctica.

A bomb explosion ripped through the lower floor of a French government building in Carcassonne on the night of [the 18th], apparently the work of French direct action winegrower group, the Comité d'Action Viticole (CAV),” reports Wine-Searcher and L’Indépendant. Apparently France has wine terrorists? (If you call them “terroirists” they will come and kill you in your sleep, just fyi.) Meanwhile some hedge funds made huge profits last year because relatively few American cities got demolished by a hurricane. Good for them. I hope the hedgies keep plowing their money into betting against climate disaster, that will turn out fine. The flowers are blooming in Antarctica, and spring will never end.

A family walks down a barren dirt road in a barren brown landscape beneath a sparkly rainbow caption that reads “this new land will be the perfect location for a Dunkin Donuts.” Click through for a real dieselpilled americamaxxing red 40 of a tiktok.

I am carbonfootprintmaxxing so much right now.

Today in New Types of Guy

I would have thought that Captain Awkward’s “I’m 34 years old and pressured my husband into an open marriage and now we’re divorced and I’m in the polyamory lifestyle, but I want to have four children with my ex immediately which I will then abandon into his custody and disappear” questioner had to be one of the most specific Types of Guy that ever existed. But then I discovered Tumblr’s Portland Seasonal Polycule, No-Rent, 10-Housemate, 12-Cat Cult (?) [see infographic] and it’s fair to wonder if either of these is a real Type of Guy at all, or just a bit. But “I am using [Elon Musk’s Twitter AI Grok] constantly as a research source… (despite the insistence of the idiot postmodernists),” is just Jordy Pete, a Type of Guy who empirically exists but is also a bit, so those categories are not as clear cut as I’d like. Same problem with “went to Auschwitz with Ben Shapiro and played a corporate video promoting his advertising business then called himself ‘aspirationally Jewish’ to deflect criticism from his constant public antisemitism” Guy (you know who that one is). But what about the “cease and desist from ‘stalking and taking a photo with BlueFolf cuddling a bed at Furpocalypse 2022’” internet lawyer furry? I am calling for a moratorium on new Types of Guy until we can get this under control.

Mort Hannan posted “I keep wondering how much longer I need to look at my phone until it makes me happy. Got to be close now.”

It’s getting nasty at Condé1 with striking writers locked out of their email for the day. Apparently it took the company until noon to figure out how to do that, lol. Condé HR is circulating a scab list for union writers to sign in if they are not walking out today. It’d be a real shame if that leaked.

Meanwhile at the L.A. Times, executive editor Kevin Merida quit earlier this month and now managing editors Sara Yasin and Shani Hilton have also quit. Today the newspaper announced “it was laying off at least 115 people — or more than 20% of the newsroom,” which Matt Pearce reported was also “about one-fourth of [the L.A. Times Guild’s] whole membership.” Alexandra Petri tweeted that she “was just laid off. By email. And then immediately booted from my email” and then she was also immediately mistaken for the Washington Post’s Alexandra Petri. Owner Patrick Soon-Shiong’s statement "We are not in turmoil. We have a real plan” has people asking a lot of questions which are already answered by his statement.

We are not in turmoil. We have a real plan.

If you’re not working today due to reasons, here’s ten minutes of new comedy from Josh Gondelman:

“The word ‘heist’ used to mean something!”

Choire covered the Substack drama in his excellent links-and-jokes daily-vibes newsletter Dinner Party. He noted that Heather Cox Richardson is pretty clearly considering an exit, judging by her answers on Kara Swisher’s podcast, and for the record, this Jay Kang tweet is deranged. It seems like he thinks you have to delete everything and start over? Ridiculous. Kang thinks leaving Substack will destroy your income and Freddie thinks it’s a way to “goose subscriptions,” but it’s contemptible to them both, somehow. Personally since moving off Substack I’ve had modest growth in paid subscribers and modest decline in free subscribers. If you can find a way to write a scathing take-no-prisoners polemic against me for that, please send me the link.

At Forbes John Brandon reports that auto-scrolling is coming to Tiktok, so you can stare blankly into The American Room without all that troublesome swiping, like people in stasis pods at the end of WALL*E, apparently?

There are a few signs of why that [film] might be prescient. For starters, companies like Amazon can deliver coffee beans to your front door on a set schedule so you never have to place an order. A few years ago, Netflix introduced the option to play the next episode in a television series without having to click play.

I’m not sure why coffee delivery needed to catch a stray here, John??? But if you do decide to get coffee beans delivered to your front door you shouldn’t have Amazon do it. Hell yeah, this has all been AN ORGANIC SPON-CON LEAD-IN, BABY. I bet you didn’t see that coming.

YES PLZ logo

Yesterday I introduced you to the official coffee roaster and delivery service of Tabs, YES PLZ, so I don’t need to belabor it here. Tonx and Sumi send great coffee to your door, however often you want, with no hassle. It also makes a perfect gift! Use the code TABS20 for 20% off your first bag. I’m sorry to say we are nowhere close to the 500 orders required to make Tonx get a crab tattoo. But if we do get there I bet we could make him post it on TikTok, where we can all watch in perfect comfort from our stasis pods, sipping our delicious coffee from huge Stanley cups. Autoscroll for coffee? YES PLZ. 

juniorhoncho posted: “hired Werner Herzog to fake the moon landing and he just did it for real like Fitzcarraldo and now Klaus Kinski is running around up there”

Chicago Rat Hole neighbors ask everyone to please chill out a little bit. Centaur skeleton on display in Greenwich, CT until February 11. Why does Paxlovid make your mouth taste weird? Convert Celsius to Fahrenheit with the 6 train. “The NSA's Furby Docs Just Dropped.” Tom Scocca remembered Ron DeSantis’s Nazi campaign video. Craig Jenkins: “We Owe Pitchfork.” Apperceptive, Destructive investing and the siren song of software:

The financiers chasing that dragon will keep tearing down productive industry after productive industry, throwing money at obvious charlatans, far past the point of no return, because they have convinced themselves like a degenerate gambler that their early wins were the product of some inherent magic in their fingers, and all they can do is try to recapture it.

Today’s Song: The Walkmen, “The Rat”

Here comes babby’s first footnote in Beehiiv. I hope it worked right. Music Intern Sam wants to know if the song today is too on the nose.

As I mentioned above, free signups are in a bit of a slide since the migration. I’m guessing it‘s the “email list import” effect, where a number of people who were signed up but not seeing Tabs for a while suddenly are again, and don’t want to be. But if you like the newsletter, do me a favor and tell someone about it? Thank you!

And if you really like it, you can also upgrade to paid. Could be the move?

1. I’m not too good for this joke and neither are you.