The Good Meat

We hebben een serieus probleem met de politieke.

…there were only ever three ways the Republican primary could have gone this year:

1. Donald Trump runs unopposed, and wins easily.
2. Donald Trump runs opposed by Ron DeSantis, and wins easily.
3. Donald Trump runs against Ron DeSantis and a field of 27 other halfwits, racists, buffoons, and weirdos and wins easily.

I said it looked like we would get scenario three (“The Aristocrats!”) but as it turned out we got all three scenarios, counting backward. Yesterday Ron DeSantis dropped out, leaving Trump still opposed only by a Nikki Haley projecting the purest light of madness from her eyes and acting like she’s still got a shot in New Hampshire from eleven points behind.

Now that he’s out we can do the math and find that “Ron DeSantis Spent More Than $53 Million To Win 23,420 Votes In Iowa,” which works out to at least $2,262 per vote. According to Liz Skalka in Huffpost that’s not even that bad, compared to Vivek Ramaswamy’s $2,603 per vote or Doug Burgum’s fifteen million dollars per zero votes. Not to even mention Mike Bloomberg who “spent at least $13.6 million per delegate in the most expensive presidential primary campaign in history” to win four delegates from American Samoa in 2020.

Matt Binder posted a picture of Jar-Jar Binks addressing the Galactic Senate, with a cartoon word balloon encompassing a quote tweet from Geert Wilders that reads: “We hebben een serieus probleem met de politieke ontwikkelingen mbt de dwangwet en ik hoop dat dat de komende dagen kan worden opgelost.”

Ron DeSantis’s political career is probably over, and all he proved is that he can’t laugh, eat, stand, smile, talk, wear shoes, or laugh like a human. Here’s a clip of DeSantis saying “I couldn’t subsist if I didn’t have the good meat,” and there’s no way to tell whether it’s real because DeSantis is always already a deepfake of himself. I guess it’s real? Is anything real? In defeat, DeSantis threw his minimal support to Trump (who told him to kick rocks) and posted a fake Winston Churchill quote that was actually from a 1938 Budweiser ad.

The smart politics knowers are backpedaling like drunken unicyclists. “Perhaps Mr. DeSantis might have won the nomination in most other years, if he hadn’t been going against a former president,” speculated one idiot. But Max Tani checked on the New Hampshire primary “political-media-industrial-complex” and found the Doubletree in Manch Vegas deserted. This thing is over: it’s Trump vs. Biden like it always was, unless one or both of them die before November, or all the rest of us do.

oldfriend99 posted: “The first idea was probably so stupid”

I Have Questions:

Are you Chad facing? Or just meong? Can you tell AI faces apart from real faces (that look like AI faces)? Is it slime or goo? (And together, will we achieve the unthinkable?) Who decided to call the thirteen year cicadas Brood XIX and the seventeen year cicadas Brood XIII? Is tinned fish still hot girl food after the Fishwife breakup? We’re fat-shaming The Meg now? What is this, Family Guy? And how many dicks are there in Wikimedia Commons? According to Jason Koebler, it’s over 9,000.

Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. Either you already laughed or you’re not gonna get it, don’t worry about it either way.

And now:

A Nearly Unprecedented Product Endorsement

YES PLZ logo

Last week Tony Konecny asked me if he could buy an ad for his coffee subscription business YES PLZ, and I told him say less, my friend. You may know Tony from online as “Tonx,” and he’s been a Tabs subscriber and patron since the olden days. I’m drinking his coffee literally right now. Here’s how Tonx and Sumi describe their business:

Yes Plz Coffee, an LA based coffee roaster, ships out amazing beans perfect for both the serious enthusiast or anyone who just wants a damn good cup of coffee without a lot of fuss.

Tonx and Sumi, legends of the third wave coffee scene, have been in the game for decades and Yes Plz is their coffee dream project: supporting great coffee producers, and carefully blending their best beans—all in an independent business that puts customers first.

A Yes Plz subscription is 100% hassle free. Get beans weekly, every other week, your call… pause or cancel anytime. Choose from The Mix, an ever-evolving blend that always hits the bullseye, amazing single origin selections, or Homestar for espresso enthusiasts. There’s even a dynamite decaf. They ship fresh anywhere in the U.S.

YES PLZ has been at it for five years and find themselves at that glorious inflection point where they’re debt-free, breaking even, and just a few new customers short of being able to pay for healthcare and make some investments in growth. So listen: if you love good coffee and hate the hassle of getting it, this is an absolute no-brainer. If you love Tabs and want to help make sure I stay caffeinated, you also have a vested interest here. And if none of that is convincing, Tony has one final offer for you:

If we somehow break 500 signups, I will get a crab tattoo.

Tony “Tonx” Konecny

Use the code TABS20 and get 20% off your first bag. I’ll check in tomorrow with an update on our progress toward Tony’s new tattoo. —Rusty

Michael CeraVe. You know what? Fine. Ukraine is destroying Russian drone jammers with drones. The Sacramento Stanley Bandit has been caught. And speaking of the (non-hockey) Stanley cup, Caitlin Dewey has a Q&A with Paul Matzko about the Stanley cup / Mormon influencer connection.

Today’s Song: Rachel Chinouriri, “The Hills”

Thanks to Tonx for many weeks of getting me ready to face another slew of tabs. Y’all seriously, get some good coffee. I can’t tell you how freeing it is to just stop having to worry about where my next bag of coffee beans is coming from. Thanks Music Intern Sam, who uncharacteristically picked a song with guitars today. I hope this doesn’t become a habit.