Where Does Everybody Live?

A Today in Tabs investigative report.

One thing about everybody is that they live somewhere, and so can you. You could live in Plato‘s Cave, but the rent is going up. Cave Management “also want to clarify that we mean real, actual money and not allegorical discussions on the concept of fiat currency.” According to Kyle Chayka, you could live forever in the aesthetic of Tony Leung smoking a cigarette in Wong Kar Wai’s ”In The Mood For Love,” and it’s possible we’ve all been living there since 2000. Here’s a real Kyle of a sentence:

When Chow lights one, the smoke tendrils swirl upward like the churning of his mind, impossible to put into words.

You could live in a giant hamster wheel in the Atlantic Ocean, but Florida Man Reza Baluchi has been trying for almost a decade now with limited success. You could live in a modern progressive nation where abortion is fully decriminalized, such as Mexico. You could live in Florida but if you want to insure your house the annual premium will be roughly the full value of your house, so Bloomberg’s Felipe Marques and Devon Pendleton report that in the future, and increasingly the present,1 only the ultra-wealthy will be able to afford having their home flattened by a climate change fueled hyper-hurricane. Tough, but fair.

Mark Popham with another banger of a post: “ME: *looking at the Giving Tree* its giving tree”

Neither Danielle Kurtzleben nor Dave Karpf will be living on Twitter anymore. As Karpf put it:

…it seems this is a situation where comedy plus time equals tragedy… We get it: Elon Musk has too much money, takes too much Ketamine, and gets far too little therapy. That punchline has gone stale.

You could live in Chicago, but please note that a park is a bad place to park. If you live in the Monastery of the Most Holy Trinity in Arlington, Texas, you may need to find a new home soon. Slate’s Molly Olmstead recaps a disagreement between the Mother Superior of the Carmelite convent and the diocesan bishop that started as a sex and drug scandal, devolved into a legal dispute, and now appears to be an actual schism feat. the return of the Roman Rite Mass and an outbreak of Texas-style sedevacantism.

Or I guess you could just live in the backrooms, like this guy.

Jay Yarow: “Tom Brady a 'strategic advisor' to Delta. On CNBC now. ‘Not a sponsorship ... he's going to come inside the company.’”
Today in Crabs
Austin Highsmith Garces: “Unsure of how everyone else read this, but I honestly thought this was a headline about a killer crab.” with a screenshot of a CNN news notification that reads: “Video shows inmate's esca...25m ago / The convicted killer crab walked between two walls and pushed through newly installed razor wire to break out of prison, authorities say”

Despite being about a killer human, the story of this prison escape is pretty bonkers. The fugitive appears to still be hanging around the prison, stealing fruit from nearby homes and acting creepy.

In prison security footage, convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante begins his escape by chimneying up a fairly wide gap between two walls in front of a door. You do not, under any circumstances, gotta hand it to him, but he does make it look pretty easy.

Intended to be a powerful addition to the U.S. Navy’s aging fleet of figurative combat ships, the littoral combat ship program ultimately proved to be one of the greatest boondoggles in military procurement history. ProPublica’s Joaquin Sapien made a surprisingly well-paced and entertaining tale of bureaucratic failure and pork barrel politics out of what could in lesser hands have been a boring and predictable tale of bureaucratic failure and pork barrel politics.

In their eternal quest to destroy us all, scientists have discovered a “mysterious golden orb that may be an egg laid by an unknown sea creature” two miles deep in the Pacific and absolutely can’t wait to unleash whatever it contains.

The year is 2005. Our great country has been beset by calamities. The Iraq War is in full swing under President George W. Bush. Hurricane Katrina has devastated much of the Gulf Coast. Maroon 5. Facing debacle after debacle, a weary, traumatized nation has but one thing on its mind: becoming a skinny bitch.

Liz Lopatto, who writes whatever she wants to, reviewed Italian horror novel “The Twenty Days of Turin” for The Verge. Did she find a tech angle?

The Twenty Days of Turin was originally published in 1977, but it’s impossible not to read about the Library and think of Silicon Valley’s boy wonders creating social media.

That’s why she’s the best, folks.

Erin Griffith tweeted: ”new clubhouse pivot:” quoting from Clubhouse’s linked blog post: "imagine if your group texts and your Instagram Stories met at the park, talked for hours, became best friends and fell in love. 9 months later, they gave birth to a new way of keeping in touch," which I assume was written by Hannibal Lecter.

Rolling Stone contacted more than 50 Tonight Show employees, past and present, during the reporting for this story. After reaching out to representatives for Fallon and NBC, Rolling Stone reached out to an additional 30 current and former staffers. While many of them praised Fallon’s immense talent and comedic gifts, not a single one agreed to speak on the record or had  positive things to say about working on The Tonight Show. Nor would any of the program’s nine showrunners since 2014 comment about the program’s namesake on the record – they wouldn’t even give statements of support, as is common in the entertainment industry.

Fallon actually manages to make Jerry Seinfeld look sympathetic and caring here, which is almost impressive.

Today’s Song: The new Jeff Rosenstock album is out. “All I want to do is make cool stuff, man!” Here’s “Doubt.”

~ And a thousand thousand slimy tabs / Lived on; and so did I. ~ 

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