My Body Is A Machine That Turns Money Into Posts

It feels like just yesterday that Warner Bros. and Discovery merged to form Warner Bros. Discovery. The branding department really cooked with that one. As the L.A. Times’ Meg James reported back in 2021:

With an origin story like that, how could it go wrong? But you know, things happen, and now Warner Bros. Discovery plans to split into two brand new companies called “Warner Bros.” and “Discovery.” The branding department really cooked with this one. The deal will allow David Zaslav (derogatory) to load up all the conglomerate’s debt onto the garbage scow Discovery Global, set it on fire, and push it offshore so he can instead focus on wrecking the more valuable Warner Bros. properties like Max, HBO Max, Max (by HBO), and HBO’s Max Presents: HBO by Max (in collaboration with “Max” by HBO’s HBO Max). “When will the clock run out on David Zaslav?” raves the Financial Times, calling the split a “financial shell game.” It was worth it just to learn some slight of hand.

Mpreg LeBron James,
Meta seeded porn to train.
What shape are the model’s legs?
It’s anybody’s Guess.

The Atlantic’s demon play?
Just Warhammer 40K,
A.I. Elvis, Nick Cave,
therapy’s a mess.¹

I hate paywalling anything, but last week I wrote a very well-received and widely shared essay about Sloppers, and if you received it well and/or shared it widely I am genuinely grateful, but my techno-surveillance apparatus informs me that it led to ZERO new paid subscribers. My body is a machine that turns money into posts and the machine needs to stay fueled, so I called the lads down at the business factory and they suggested that I should try paywalling only the most upsetting link in today’s newsletter. So, if you’re a paying Today in Tabs subscriber, what follows is the worst thing I saw in the last week, and if you’re not a paying subscriber, you may click here to sign up and unlock this, and possibly future, troubling content.

Ok Here It Is:

If this doesn’t work, next week I might make you pay not to see the day’s worst link. That is a threat.

Benn Jordan saved an image to a bird:

Heather Havrilesky came to Maine and DID NOT VISIT ME but did write this Ask Molly post that captures the whole point of Maine in the summer. Peter Thiel is going to enrich uranium, what could go wrong. Welsh Fyre Festival canceled for being imaginary. It’s Mattie Lubchansky pub day, and here she is Power Lunching:

It’s so stupid that I’m not doing this? Nevertheless. Massive brawl erupts at eatery owned by shady underworld figure Charles “Arraignment” Cheese. Tired: evolving into crab. Wired: evolving into anteater. Search all the text in Google’s street view database of New York City. Here’s the “ACAB” map.

And Finally: I don’t think I’ve ever written these words in this order but here’s some good? media? news? Joshua Benton reports that “Alden Global Capital fails in its attempt to get its tentacles on The Dallas Morning News.”

Today’s Song: “50 Cent x Alex G x Shoegaze” by Callum hi8

Here’s how to leather oars, just in case you needed to know that. Websites stay winning.

1  I don’t know why this section is We Didn’t Start the Fire lyrics. You know, things happen.

2  For legal reasons: this is not true. Also this footnote refers to the paywalled section so free readers: aren’t you sooooooo curious???? 👀👀👀