David Lynch said “fix your hearts or die” and Lindsey Graham’s aorta said “bet 👍.” Graham, a human weathervane renowned for his spinelessness even among the invertebrates of the United States Senate, was found dead in the closet on Saturday when “a certain part of his body literally blew up” according to U.S. Chief Medical Examiner Donald Trump. Graham’s death closely resembled the scene earlier this summer when Alex Jones also popped like a balloon, after a prolonged and alarming distention.
Tributes poured in:
Well a tribute poured in, anyway, from one of the few people Lindsey Graham ever materially helped (allegedly). And another tribute of a sort: “Men like Lindsey Graham have taught me how to hate, and I’m worried it can’t be unlearned,” wrote Magdalene Visaggio for Assigned Media.
Graham was up for reëlection this year and appeared “invincible” in South Carolina until he suddenly became extremely vincible. To lose one Senate candidate named Graham may be regarded as misfortune, but losing both looks like carelessness. South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster has appointed Graham’s sister Darline Graham Nordone to serve out his term, because why not. She couldn’t possibly be worse. "It’s my honor to ask his little sister… to finish his work for him now,” said the Governor, and indeed having lived to see the United States finally start a war against Iran and then immediately and humiliatingly lose it, Lindsey Graham’s work in government was nearly finished.
“Obviously, ideologically I didn’t agree with him with regards to skeleton ownership. But you have to admire his tenacity for a cause he believed in,” posted Democratic leaders like Adam Schiff, Al Franken, and Elizabeth Warren. According to Axios, one of the last things Graham said was “I can’t die now,” so at least he died doing what he loved: being wrong. Lindsey Graham, 71, passed away on Saturday when all of his blood tried to go somewhere better.
Graham is best memorialized by his own words about Donald Trump as collected by Harper’s in 2018, and by Steve Schmidt, who wrote:
Lindsey Graham lived his life as a pilot fish, a parasitic sucker fish hovering about larger predators. He was a sidekick and the hollowest of hollow men. Here is what I once shared with Rolling Stone:
“People try to analyze Lindsey through the prism of the manifest inconsistencies that exist between things that he used to believe and what he’s doing now. The way to understand him is to look at what’s consistent. And essentially what he is in American politics is what, in the aquatic world, would be a pilot fish: a smaller fish that hovers about a larger predator, like a shark, living off of its detritus. That’s Lindsey. And when he swam around the McCain shark, broadly viewed as a virtuous and good shark, Lindsey took on the patina of virtue. But wherever the apex shark is, you find the Lindsey fish hovering about, and Trump’s the newest shark in the sea. Lindsey has a real draw to power — but he’s found it unattainable on his own merits.”
Hanging out with Ari and Luca, via Jason Kottke who writes “This might be my new favorite skate video?” In other skateboarding news, Lindsey Graham died on Saturday trying to make the transition to street after a primarily halfpipe-focussed career. He is survived by his grandson, Tony Hawk.
“A tourist was seriously injured Friday evening after being thrown 8 feet into the air by a bull bison in Yellowstone National Park,” reports Andrew Rossi in Cowboy State Daily. The victim, identified as seventy-one year old U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, died Saturday of bison. He was remembered fondly by his great-grandson, professional skateboarder Tony Hawk, who is also a bison.
Allegedly living Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell released a proof-of-life photo on Sunday, brutally life-mogging deceased Senator Lindsey Graham, who died of cortisol. The photo’s veracity was widely disputed but one thing that isn’t in dispute is that Lindsey Graham died on Saturday from trying to eat Pop Rocks and Coke at the same time. He is survived by Mikey, from the Life cereal commercials, who grew up to be well-known bison Tony Hawk.
It looks pretty real to me.
In Ravenous last week Jaya Saxena wrote about New York’s hottest summer trend: waiting in line. Yesterday Brock Colyar published the exact same story in Curbed. If you only have time to read one story about New Yorkers waiting in line today, Jaya’s is better. Sadly U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham died on Saturday waiting in line at the West Village Myka. “He never even got to try the Dubai Chocolate,” sobbed Graham’s great-great-grand nephew Tony Hawk, who finished his bowl of Life cereal and then badly gored several NYU students who were also in line for the viral froyo.
And Finally: Lindsey Graham would have loved this John Paul Brammer piece about Clavicular in Playboy, if he hadn’t died from bonesmashing:
Clavicular is known to film outside, where he “mogs” people. In other words, he looks better than the person in the frame with him. The poor mogged individual, once pulled into the borders of Clavicular’s rectangular universe, is reduced to an inferior collection of pixels. This is Clavicular’s project: to flatten his world into the 2D of “screen” and to physically transmute his flesh into “internet.” It’s humming along. Don’t believe me? Put down your phone. Notice how Clavicular ceases to exist?
Today’s Song: The Reverend Horton Heat, “Baddest of the Bad”
This will be the last regular Tabs for a few weeks, as I leave on Sunday for a sea kayaking expedition in northwest Greenland. I know I make up a lot of stuff in this Tony Hawk themed newsletter, but this part is absolutely true. Stay tuned for a fuller explanation later this week, including how you can follow my progress if you care to. Either way, please enjoy a little summer break and feel free not to pay any attention to the tabs until I’m back.
