One year ago, on the eve of the Bari Weiss era at CBS News, Caitlin Flanagan wrote: “If there’s one person in the world I wouldn’t bet against now, it’s Bari Weiss.” With ratings for CBS Mornings, the CBS Evening News, and 60 Minutes now all in a zone that us old T.V. professionals refer to as “the toilet,” a naïf would be forgiven for thinking that Flanagan was simply wrong. On the contrary! It’s important to read what she actually wrote. “If there’s one person in the world that I wouldn’t bet against…” She didn’t say you shouldn’t bet against Bari Weiss, she couldn’t possibly care less what you should or shouldn’t do. She just said she wouldn’t. And sure enough, a few months later Flanagan left the Atlantic and went to work for Weiss at The Free Press, leaving the overall talent level at both publications unchanged. Anyway, Paramount’s purchase of Warner Bros. Discovery closed on Tuesday, Benjamin Mullin reports, and nobody involved gives a shit about any of us.
Hunter Harris has a good recap of Bari’s adventures on West 57th St., leading up to an excellent quiz: “Who said that: Bari Weiss or Kendall Roy?” I regret knowing every one of these, and I hope you don’t.
Also Today in the Atlantic: They let Alexandra Petri write a poem instead of making jokes, and it turns out she’s good at that too. On the other hand, they published an extremely schmaltzy profile of a trucker from Ohio who was the unwilling instrument of what appears to be the suicide of a Haitian immigrant stripped of his temporary protected status, referring to the trucker as “a lifelong Democrat who had voted for Trump for the first time in 2024.” A trucker? from Ohio? Who is a lifelong Democrat? But voted for Trump just this last time? Perhaps someone should have googled him real quick first. And in its ongoing quest to employ every remaining journalist, the Atlantic just hired both Kevin Roose and Mike Isaac.
Recently Found in America:
Rex Jr., possibly “the most important T. rex that has or will ever be found,” in Wyoming.
Flying saucer for $1,495,000.00, in California.
“A 50-foot bronze rendition of the Titan Prometheus,” not quite inside the legal borders of Starbase, Texas.
Fandeliers? Chandefans? “Chaos, it seems, reigns in fanville,” on ceilings throughout McMansion Hell.
The secret home of Tabasco sauce, on Avery Island (yes, that one).
A potato, arriving in your backyard by drone.
Goth Ranch by Clorox™, exclusively at Walmart.
Alonzo Mourning dot gif intensifies
E.A.? More Like Pee, Eh? “Let's See What's Going On Down At The Piss Factory” I wrote last December, in what I thought was an extremely exaggerated satire of the A.I. industry. However! “People Who Drink Their Own Pee Are Obsessed With AI, Using It to Reassure Themselves That It’s a Miraculous Cure-All” reported Joe Wilkins in Futurism last week. They took the lathe of heaven away from me, and they were right to. Meanwhile the “A.I. torture chamber” has the E.A. crowd in a tizzy, Muse had worse security flaws than we knew about, and John Herrman wonders if the worst outcome of everybody having an “exceptionally capable personal agent” is if the agents work as promised. Also KRAZAM is back, and it’s extremely upsetting, thanks.
Today in Posts Precisely Calibrated to Appeal to Me:
Play a Game: Where did English words come from and when were they first used in English? Test your knowledge in Etymystery, you nerds. And get ready for November with Voting Simulator 3D from The Onion.
Anticipate a Game: Sheeps. Can you count? Are you sure?
🤓 Actually it’s “Men who sacrifice essential liberty to purchase a little temporary bibberty deserve neither.”
Today’s Song: hey, nothing, “Black Bear”
Hello from a Cursed Coastal Town Straight Out of 'Widow’s Bay.' I feel like a few more clown sightings on foggy nights would really nail down our number one spot. I know it’s been a little while since I posted but in my defense: everything is extremely bad right now. Call (315) 818-5869.
Upgrade to a paid subscription and join us in the Tabs Discord. It’s a good place, full of kind people.
