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Coming Soon: Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile
In select and legally doomed theaters October second, The Onion presents the entirely true1 untold story of Jeff Epstein (the New York financier) and his former friend, 1980’s real estate failure and ex-reality show host Donald Trump. If you haven’t checked in on the “where are they now?” files lately, you won’t believe where these two former pals ended up, and which one had the other murdered in prison.
Coming Soon: The Lowdown
Technically the rest of it is coming soon because the first two episodes dropped on Tuesday, but whatever. “[T]he most Terriers-coded TV I've seen since Terriers,” raves some guy on Bluesky. If that means nothing to you, get Terriers from your favorite torrent tracker and watch that first, then get excited for this.
Almost Gone: Flummery
“So the flummery refuses to thicken,” is a phrase that could easily come from a 17th-century book of aphorisms. But that’s what happened to me.
This post also features Mary Berry’s Sussex Pond Pudding, infamous among Great British Bake-Off viewers as “the one with the whole lemon in it.” Iykyk.
Abject flummery. Photo by Alicia Canter for The Guardian
Right Behind You: Monsters from the Deep
According to marine biologist Rebecca R Helm, this actually is a video of a sperm whale eating a giant squid (Architeuthis dux) off Mauritius. It seems like this hasn’t made it out of the social media layer of the internet yet, so I don’t know if the Weird Sea Creature media is dead or just sleeping but I hope it also rises from the deep and picks up this story soon.
![RS Benedict posted a screenshot of Mitch Hedburg captioned “I like an escalator man, cause an escalator can never break. It can only become [crossed out] stairs [written in] a Fatal Funnel](https://media.beehiiv.com/cdn-cgi/image/fit=scale-down,format=auto,onerror=redirect,quality=80/uploads/asset/file/e57d6d97-935c-4c0b-9fc4-607ddb383415/image.png?t=1758824685)
Coming Soon: The Riyadh Comedy Festival
You’ll laugh yourself silly, or else!
Look at all these guys! Look at Pete Davidson up there in the corner, with his little “ain’t I a stinker!” face. Coming soon: every one of these dudes claiming that the role of comedy is to Speak Truth To Power.
More Coming Attractions:
Bennett Foddy, Maxi Boch, and Gabe Cuzzillo present: AAA QWOP. Even more workslop. Inflatable concert butthole. They finally made Klout.com for Bluesky, and it recognizes me as a celebrity. Thank you. The Ruby community is collapsing, and DHH is still unbelievably racist. The first consumer grade ultrasonic knife. Not for $400, but if they can get it down to $100? Maybe. [“Free shavocadoo” voice] Get to WNYC, they got a new thing called “Free Radiolab.” An all-timer of a Chotining. Cass Sunstein is beginning to suspect this interview was not a good idea. The spooky old Macbook hinge.
Ending Now: 2000 Poops
Cassidy Williams, possibly the last regular (and most regular) user of Poop Map, calls it quits at 2000 poops.
2000 poops in 12 countries, an achievement that will stand the test of time.
Today’s Song: “I Disappear,” The Faint
Coming Tomorrow, For Paid Subscribers Only:
I ran out of Red Boat fish sauce recently, which is a key ingredient in the fried rice I make myself for breakfast approximately three times a week. I haven’t done anything special for paid subscribers in a long time, so I thought tomorrow I’d share my fried rice recipe, perfected over several years. So if you’re all the way down here reading the signoff, maybe you should get a paid subscription before tomorrow, and then keep an eye out for that. Just a thought! Thank you for reading Tabs either way.
1 In a fictional sense.
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