On Saturday, a random Bluesky lib attempted to Naruto run the Secret Service checkpoint on the floor above the Washington Hilton ballroom where mentalist Oz Pearlman was guessing the name of Karoline Leavitt’s baby which, from forensic examination of the footage, Today in Tabs can exclusively reveal will be Vibram.

The footage is full of unsurpassed dystopian thriller opening montage material. Just look at this beauty:

What happened next? This guy ate his salad. Dylan Byers, the worst media reporter, went to a bar where he failed to watch CNN. Kash Patel got cucked, but Stephen Miller knew exactly where his own wife was because he was hiding behind her. Taylor Lorenz wasn’t even there oh my god and if she was it was for work but she wasn’t anyway and it was on assignment. Brian Krassenstein figured it all out (time traveling false flag / alternate reality game with pre-planted clues, obviously). All the unserved steak and lobster was “freeze dried,” according to Weijia Jiang, and will be donated to domestic violence shelters, presumably in space. Donald Trump, allegedly the target of this… I guess let’s go ahead and call it a “serious assassination attempt,” has so far responded by CELEBRATING THE FIRST AMENDMENT and whining about his ballroom. But you know who else was always whining about ball room? Lyndon Baines Johnson. Checkmate, liberals.

The alleged would-be attempted shooter, Cole Allen, sliced cleanly through the defensive line, stomping and hammering with one precise jackthrust after another up the middle and numerous hammer-jack stomps around both ends, making it into the open field near the top of the stairs down to the actual ballroom level before somehow falling down and losing his shirt. Five or six shots were fired and one Secret Service officer was hit in his ballistic vest, but Allen wasn’t shot and it’s not at all clear that he ever fired a weapon himself. Just before the attack, Allen sent what amounts to a suicide note to his friends and family explaining that:

He also listed his “rules of engagement,” which specify that he didn’t intend to target anyone except “administration officials (not including Mr. Patel).” Damn, cucked again. The New York Post called the letter a “sprawling manifesto,” but what’s most striking about it to me is how absolutely ordinary the sentiments in it sound. People are calling Allen the Evelyn Normielib assassin, after this political cartoon:

All this happened on Saturday night and it’s only Tuesday now, but this post already feels too late. The news has largely moved on: The U.A.E. pulled out of OPEC, the New York Times is trolling us again, the U.S. Justice Department has indicted James Comey for taking a picture of seashells (CELEBRATING THE FIRST AMENDMENT). The national mood in response to an armed gunman rushing the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner is indifference shading to mild disappointment.

It certainly appears that “someone ought to assassinate the President” is the moderate consensus opinion now. They made fancams of Luigi Mangione. Charlie Kirk has been the internet’s biggest joke for almost eight months. Everybody knows what “when It Happens” means and two thirds of the country will vocally celebrate when It Happens, however It Happens, while the other third will immediately turn on each other. I don’t know how to feel about any of this. The only thing I do know is that no one can execute a successful Zerg rush alone.

Completely Unrelated: Groups of teens are speedrunning Scientology and observers are mapping the floor plans as if the secretive cult’s buildings were a roguelike.

Even More Unrelated: “Kentucky Powerball winner has court hearing delayed after waking up from coma.”

Today in Tech: John Herrman tried OpenClaw and concluded that he just doesn’t have any personal workflows that need to be automated, even if OpenClaw could reliably automate them, which it can’t.

Meanwhile from Mark Tyson at Tom’s Hardware: Claude-powered AI coding agent deletes entire company database in 9 seconds — backups zapped, after Cursor tool powered by Anthropic's Claude goes rogue. Wait, you’re thinking, haven’t I already seen this story? Yes, lol, this is a new one. Also in tech, Phil Vendola writes:

Fun! It’s genuinely impossible to tell if tech products are bad now because of AI or just because tech products have always been bad.

Today’s Song: Butthole Surfers, “Who Was In My Room Last Night?”

I love this song but I don’t know why it’s been stuck in my head for three days and I would like to move on. Hey did you miss Liz Lopatto on Da Pope last week? I hope not. I missed you though, I get perceptibly more grumpy when I haven’t written a Tabs for a few days.