Zack Snyder's Justice Tabs

I'm gonna be honest: Tabs is utter chaos today. Take a deep breath.

Yes, it’s JUSTICE LEAGUE: FANSERVICE EDITION day at last! Pumice your buttocks smooth, get out your 12.9” iPad Pro, and get ready for some varsity sitting.

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>>> We interrupt this newsletter for a message from the National Horny Emergency System <<<

At 12:00pm Zulu time, Vox’s Terry Nguyen issued an urgent warning that “the summer of 2021 could possibly be the horniest of our lifetimes.” The Pentagon has gone to Horny DEFCON 1. Homeland Security is currently in Horny Condition Red. The Bulletin of Horny Scientists has advanced the Horny Doomsday Clock to 30 seconds from Closing Time. All persons are advised to inspect the supplies in their chastity bunkers and await further instructions.

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The New York Times Cooking Facebook group has gone feral and was last seen thundering across the yellow plains of the southern reaches of the Great Concavity in what used to be Vermont. Facebook is no longer recommending any civic or political groups worldwide, but not because the whole product is hopelessly toxic. It’s for… other reasons. You don’t know them, they go to a different school. Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong filed FEC papers to run for President as a Republican, with running mate Saint Jimmy of TheKrustyKrab. When it comes to the 2024 race, it looks like he’s taking the… longview. Working at Goldman Sachs sucks again. According to Matt Levine this means there is money in finance now. A Nike VP’s son was reselling millions of dollars of rare sneakers on the hypebeast market. Input’s Edgar Alvarez has everything you need to know about Sneakergate. Also today in fashion: wide-leg jeans are back, reports The Wall Streetwear Journal. The anti-wokeness grift expands to crossword puzzle comics. Like all of us, The Onion absolutely had enough yesterday.

Today in Crabs:

Today in Bad NFTs: (content warning: bad art) The actual art in the big expensive Beeple is very bad, reports Ben Davis in Artnet. Like… very bad. Embarrassing, even. You could put your NFT coin into the Fleetwood Mac Ocean Spray skateboard guy’s original footage, but he doesn’t have the rights to the Fleetwood Mac song or the Ocean Spray logo, so it’s just a guy skateboarding while drinking blurry juice. You could bid on this Quartz article, currently at $1794.10 on OpenSea, but why? And follow-up question: who? Or you could buy a painting that once hung in the Fyre Media headquarters from Ja Rule, which would actually be pretty sick, but the catch is you can either have the token or the painting, but not both. Ha, ha that’s not a catch! Tokens are literally nothing. Take the painting, dummy.

Remember the quasi-Bavarian Montana Tabs Cult compound from Tuesday? Senior Utopian Real Estate Correspondent Claire McNear investigated, and here’s what she found:

About Our Future Cult Site in Montana

The creepy bunk beds and mismatched German architecture might not have screamed utopia to you, but that’s what it was. Or at least what it was meant to be.

This paradise manqué was the work of a developer named Kree Kirkman, who named his creation Oberkleinberg, a very loose translation of “cute place on a small hill” if you trust a German newspaper’s translated ridicule. In 2007, Kirkman described his plans for the “walled European-like medieval 17th century village” to The Missoulian, where he imagined “pulling the teats of the cow” and constructing a “reality school” that would teach skills like how to file a tax return or “operate a business in a ‘real-life’ situation.” Utopia! Alas, the corporate benefactors that Kirkman was hoping would provide the necessary $50 million to hire Oberkleinberg’s cobblers and whatnot never materialized. Instead, it became a wedding venue, in accordance with the prophecy (capitalism).

Incidentally, Kirkman first came to national prominence as a proto-red pill darling in 1985 when he responded to his then-wife, Sandra, suggesting that she might want a divorce by acquiring a demolition permit and using a bulldozer to grind the family home into kindling. The police “shrugged and left,” which makes sense given he had thoughtfully removed his wife’s sewing machines first (to beat them to pieces on the sidewalk). In a truly repugnant column, the Sun-Sentinel’s Ray Recchi called the demolition “clever” and wondered if it was Sandra “who did the real damage”. By 2015 Kirkman was divorced again and in a custody dispute with Oberkleinberg-era wife Nadiya, who alleged “threatening and abusive behavior,” and was also arrested for battery in Punta Gorda, FL. So I think we have the answer to Recchi’s question.

Anyway, the sauna seems nice.


Thanks Claire! I’m taking a day off from hassling Our Regrettable Platform so I will just leave you with this:

Today’s Song: The Kleptones, “Hella Touch”

~ Back with the most venomous tab, it be the godfather of the club banger let me hear you clap ~

Correction: yesterday I misread Mark Slutsky’s post and said that Nadia Berenstein was Professor Chip. They are in fact different people. My apologies to both.

Thanks to Senior Graphics Intern Alison Headley for the 4:3 format graphic. And thanks again to Utopian Real Estate Correspondent Claire McNear for the Oberkleinberg tabs. It’s Thursday! We did it! Nothing is allowed to happen until Monday, except tomorrow’s Open Thread, which will feature some Tabs of the Sea! Subscribe if you want to post or if you just like the newsletter. Or you want to hide $30 in my pocket and not get it back? I don’t know what your motives are. Peace and blessings!