Woo Who?

Coachella is going just great, and a history lesson from Donald Trump.

It was opening weekend at Coachella and everything went great for Lana Del Rey except when a weird hologram Lana took the stage so flesh Lana didn’t have to interact with Jack Antonoff. Meanwhile virtual pop star Hatsune Miku is a hologram on a good day, but fans at Coachella only got her on a TV screen. Next weekend, TV On The Radio will reportedly appear via telegraph.

Grimes arrived triumphantly onstage for her DJ set riding a mechanical spider, which has since been recalled by Tesla for accelerating uncontrollably and bursting into flames, but she struggled in the less critical DJ-ing task of playing songs sequentially. Grimes told fans her tracks were playing at double tempo and “I’m not good enough at math for this shit.” Just press the button, Claire? Idk. Previously, Grimes was not good enough at boats to raft the Mississippi, but was good enough at hacking to blackmail Hipster Runoff. After the Coachella fiasco, Grimes hired paparazzi to photograph her in Fremen cosplay reading Sir Isaac Newton’s “Principia Mathematica.”

Blur appeared at the festival for the first time since 2013, but Damon Albarn announced halfway through the set that it would also be the band’s last appearance at Coachella, since no one in the crowd knew the words to their most famous song, which are: “woo hoo.” Maybe if they had a hologram? The crowd, composed exclusively of people born after Blur’s last number one hit, wondered what Huey Lewis was even doing there.

Speaking of blur, in Artnet News’s Artbites column Richard Whiddington remembers “The Renoir Sucks at Painting movement.” Unlike Renoir, they had a point.

Kieffer posted: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with deez two wild and precious nuts?”

I hate Donald Trump and everything he stands for, so it brings me no pleasure to report that his summary of the battle of Gettysburg is extremely funny:

Trump continued:

“Gettysburg. Wow. I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch. And the statement of Robert E. Lee ― who’s no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? No longer in favor ― ‘Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.’ They were fighting uphill. He said, ‘Wow, that was a big mistake.’ He lost his great general, and they were fighting. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys!’ But it was too late.”

Absolute deranged gibberish, but even with a one hundred word vocabulary Trump is out there creating sentences no one has ever said before. “I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch.” Trump also fell asleep in court today, locking up the honk shoo caucus and their critical mimimi vote this fall. And Clarence Thomas missed the Supreme Court session today, “with no explanation.”🤞!

This Weekend in Delia Cai: Stuck in the Condé rubber room, Delia almost got a reprieve to serve on the federal jury for a murder-for-hire case, but was “admonished” and kicked out of court for tweeting “didn’t get to see the eclipse bc I’m on federal jury duty but I did get to look at a hot fbi agent.” Absolute legend, no notes. The case probably would have been more fun than writing no-deadline “‘cultural significance profiles’ of public figures” though, which Condé’s editorial geniuses are currently paying ninety five staffers to waste their time doing, instead of producing anything that anyone will ever care about.

Also this weekend in media, Max Tani reported that “The Intercept is running out of cash,” and the publication is beset “with multiple feuding factions battling for power and two star journalists trying to take control,” which seems very rude. Ryan Grim and Jeremy Scahill are three-star journalists, at worst?

Today’s Song: “Price Going Up (Jersey Club Remix)” by UNiiQU3 & Black Caviar 

Wow that ending landed kind of hard. Sorry about that. I‘m not good enough at math to pick songs, so we’re lucky to have Music Intern Sam, whose NO CHILL episode 21 from last Thursday is up now on Mixcloud, but whose mechanical spider is still stuck in customs.

Hey if you like Tabs, please tell people about it, either the way you normally would or via whatever this button does:

Ok, love you, see you tomorrow.