Wales Waldo

The Princess vanishes, again. Also Shrimp Jesus explained, and apologies to Slorg.

Kate Middleton is back, allegedly, in a “deep-fried ass video” from TMZ buying BREAD░░IN░F░A░R░M░E░R░S░M░A░R░K░E░T in yoga pants with no security personnel like royalty does all the time. “Great to See You, Kate” is The Sun’s incompetent headline, when “KATE TO SEE YOU” was right there. Just like Great Value Kate Middleton is right there, somewhere in the grainy distance, smiling hard at the ground and strutting at approximately mach ten in a direction the alleged video’s alleged creator Nelson Silva described as:

“…out through a gate out of the grounds. They just vanished and I didn't see a car. I just wanted to share with my family footage and show just how normal they were."

So there you have it. She’s back and they just vanished! It’s so normal, and we’re all so happy it’s normal, and satisfied that this will be the end of it, and they just vanished. Now that’s all wrapped up, the Royal Family is hiring a comms assistant, and Hunter Harris would like to nominate Tree Paine. This morning Prince William was out visiting the downtrodden and cracking jokes about how Kate wasn’t with him. Perfect timing your majesty, we’re totally ready for goofs and bits now that everything is so normal. Hey… where is she though? Like, right now? Just wondering.

Subscribe to Tabs and get all the media, tech, and pop culture nonsense you could ever need delivered four times a week for free.

Krang T Nelson posted a screencap of an old tweet of his that says “the funniest part of the original files was when david duchovny left the show and they still tried to write him in by having a guy who looked kind of like duchovny from a distance just run away whenever anyone got too close to him” and commented “this is what the royal family should do with kate middleton”

Matt Levine issues correction: “An earlier version of this column incorrectly attributed these quotes to… Slorg, …who did not in fact burn Slerf. I apologize to Mr. Slorg.” Crypto is somehow still at it.

Also somehow still at it is Gamergate, whose original blend of misogyny and vicious paranoia started as a bad faith campaign for “ethics in media” and became the dominant mode of right wing culture. Now it’s rebounding back to gaming in the smaller and even more pathetic form of an “anti-wokeism” crusade focused on a narrative development consultancy called Sweet Baby Inc. “But this time, the events are playing out differently,” writes an optimistic Ash Parrish in The Verge. “Developers and gamers are pushing back, affirming that the kind of diversity these people rail against is here to stay.“ Here’s hoping, I guess! As long as we can count on the courage and integrity of AAA game studios, everything should be fine.

Speaking of misogyny and vicious paranoia: I don’t have the stomach to watch an hour of Elon Musk, but if you do, the full Don Lemon interview is in here. In Electrek Fred Lambert excerpted the car bits, which include Musk saying “I think the only way to do something cooler than Cybertruck is to combine Tesla and SpaceX technology to create something that’s not even really a car.” Don’t sell yourself short, Elon, nothing Tesla makes is even really a car.

Jason Koebler explained Shrimp Jesus in 404 Media. “Facebook’s Algorithm Is Boosting AI Spam That Links to AI-Generated, Ad-Laden Click Farms.” Rather than a blurb, please enjoy the following immersive multimedia experience:

Bernie introduced a bill to mandate Universal Gentleman’s Friday. Havana syndrome sufferers are havana completely normal brain scan, according to NIH researchers. In The Atlantic Sarah Zhang reports that “One in 7,000 people… was born to parents who were first-degree relatives—a brother and a sister or a parent and a child.” Yikes. The Ben Folds news yesterday was Ernie Smith’s fault. He promises he “won’t get another Gen-X icon cancelled today.” “My life is ruined” whines Glasgow A.I. Wonka Fiasco creator Billy Coull. Pull yourself together man! Billy McFarland did four years in prison and he’s already back out there scamming. "Andy Borowitz is bringing his signature political satire to Substack.” A perfect match. Clickhole: “It Wasn’t All Doom And Gloom: 6 Incredibly Positive Things That Happened To Elvis On The Toilet.”

Finally: Defector’s David Roth: The Coffee Machine That Explained Vice Media:

The coffee was pretty good, at least until the middle of the afternoon. Around then, the machine would start to struggle through delivering a half a cup of either wan or chunky coffee. By 3 p.m. or so, everyone knew there wasn't anything to be done, and that we would just have to wait for the machine to do what it did every day around that time, which was helplessly vomit what I remember as a jarringly large amount of wet coffee grounds onto the swank countertop and the floor, at which point someone would come and sweep it up.

Today’s Song: The Avalanches, “We Go On” ft. Cola Boyy, Mick Jones.

RIP Cola Boyy, says Music Intern Sam. Thanks so much to Josh “Cortex” Millard who wrote today’s exquisite subject line in the Tabs discord. And thanks to Kate Middleton, for definitely existing.

Upgrade to a paid subscription to join us in the Discord and see substantially every link that ends up in the newsletter, but earlier. Or pictures of our pets. Whatever you’re into.