They Tried To Fire Sam Altman Because He Sucks

Stingrays aren't crabs, I think we can all agree.

Only one more day until my job becomes Woods so let’s put this right up top, why not?

Screenshot of a Times of San Diego headline: “‘Furiosa’ Edges ‘Garfield’ in Worst Memorial Day Weekend Since 1995”

I don’t even want to know what happened in 1995 that was worse than this.

Hell yeah, everyone’s getting weird today. Former OpenAI board member Helen Toner went on a podcast and explained that she hasn’t gotten around to talking about it since November but what happened was the board fired Sam Altman because he’s a liar and a manipulative snake who everyone hates working with and who hasn’t done anything in his career but fail. And yet he still outmaneuvered them somehow. Drat! Personally, if I took on notorious lackwit Sam Altman and lost I would simply go live in a cave forever, but effective altruists are built different. I log on to Rihanna’s internet every day and write down what I believe1 to be the truth,2 but I’m still surprised we got a firsthand confirmation that I was right back in November: they tried to fire Sam because he sucks.

Liz Lopatto is mad about Vivek’s big BuzzFeed adventure, but not for the reason you might think.

You may be wondering why I seem so openly contemptuous of this plan, and I can tell you right now it’s because you’re not thinking big enough. You know who cares about Buzzfeed? Reporters and exactly no one else. If you wanted to play the real game, you’d have gone after Facebook.

Chat, can I get a let’s goooo? But we’ll have to leave Vivek to it because right now I have a whole carapace stuffed with:

Today in Crabs

Bloomberg has a feature by Andrew S. Lewis on the meteoric post-Russia-sanctions rise of Norway’s invasive red king crab fishery, and the worrying signs of a coming bust that are obvious to anyone who has paid even the tiniest bit of attention to any fishery anywhere in all of history. But perhaps this resource extraction boom won’t collapse. Who can say.

Meanwhile, on Knifecrab Island: “Big crab with mussel hair-do fascinates beachgoers.” Thank you Michael Roston, who sends me more Today in Crabs tips than anyone would probably expect.

A snazzy looking but regrettably dead spider crab with a lot of mussels on top of it.

I’m looking for a crab in mudflats, one six, mussels, claw tips…

Mr. Connor, on the other hand, said he had a reputation for never taking on “unacceptable risk.”

“If we can’t do it, what we call ‘s and s’ — safely and successfully — we’re just not going to do it,” Mr. Connor said. “We’re not thrill-seekers. We’re not big risk-takers.”

Mr. Connor is also a record-setting skydiver, astronaut and deep-sea explorer, who in 2021 joined Mr. Lahey on three deep dives in five days at the Mariana Trench in the western Pacific Ocean, some 200 miles off the coast of Guam. Their vessel, a Triton-built sub known as D.S.V. Limiting Factor, reached sea depths of about 35,000 feet, taller than Mount Everest.

Congrats to Emily Schmall, Orlando Mayorquín, and whatever editor ensured that “We’re not big risk takers.” would be followed by this list of Earth’s Biggest Risks.

horse dentist posted “no boss i’m not “wasting company time” i’m thinking about the immortality of the crab” with a screenshot from Wikipedia that reads: “Thinking about the immortality of the crab (Spanish: Pensando en la inmortalidad del cangrejo) is a Spanish idiom about daydreaming. It is a humorous way to say that one was not sitting idly but engaged constructively in contemplation or letting one's mind wander.”

Stingrays aren’t crabs but if pressed, I would reluctantly find myself arguing they’re also not not crabs, if you think about it. Later, around three a.m., I would lie awake regretting this entire specious line of argument, and wish that I could just admit I was wrong, one goddamn time. Like, would it be so hard? Someone says “stingrays aren’t crabs” and I could just go “no, you’re right. They’re not.” But that life is not for me. I need a segue, so here I am saying: Stingrays aren’t crabs, but if you think about it, they’re also not not crabs. Emily Cataneo tried to find out what’s going on with the “miraculously pregnant” Hendersonville, North Carolina stingray Charlotte:

That’s when I was approached by a member of the Hendersonville police. Officer Marianna Tinoco asked if I was a news reporter, then explained that they’d received a call that I was harassing people. I told her I’d only interviewed one couple who’d been eager to talk. Tinoco said I could carry on with my work, as long as I wasn’t harassing anyone, then she and a second officer walked into the aquarium.

When they came back out, they told me that Ramer wanted them to book me for “trespassing.” They weren’t going to charge me with anything, they said—I looked “sweet.” But if I went back into the aquarium, they would have no choice but to arrest me.

This was my second dust-up with police in 15 years of journalism. The last one was reporting on neo-Nazis in Germany. This one was about a stingray.

After double the normal stingray gestation period, Charlotte has still not given birth and no questions will be answered about it.

Dudes Rock:


#jonboat #fyp #boatsgonewild #25mercury

That’s not related to anything, I just thought it needed to be said.

Panda, Panda: Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda. I saw this news and thought “what ever happened to Desiigner?” And… oof.

If you hate the Google AI search results, Ernie Smith built a simple UI to get web results only, at, and Ben Jackson made the Ten Blue Links chrome plugin to do the same thing automatically.

“Can Jude Doyle also write perfect little short essays that aren’t film criticism?” you may have been wondering. Here he is on the Two of Swords and “finding stillness and calm in a situation where both things feel impossible.” Asked and answered.

Erik Baker in Defector: “The Ghosts Of New Atheism Still Haunt Us.”

Molly White posted a screenshot of a couple tweets between Ryan Salame, the convicted CEO of an FTX subsidiary, and @tittyrespecter. Molly comments: “getting sentenced to 7.5 years in prison and immediately logging on to argue with @​tittyrespecter about your charges is peak poster. there's no topping this”

Today’s Song: Shura, “religion (u can lay your hands on me)”

Music Intern Sam says “Sorry I keep sending you indie pop from white lesbians but I guess this is my legacy.” No apology needed Sam, Tiktok already thinks I’m a lesbian nurse. And congrats to new Tabs Discord Moderation Intern Dello! Thanks also, as always, to long-serving and newly promoted Senior Discord Moderation Intern Jane. The discord is in good hands for the hiatus.

Tomorrow Only: We all get to fuck around, and then never find out.

respectful huff posted a picture of the giant L.L. Bean boot car, with the caption “Maine Max war convoy of halflife Bangor Boys, soldiers for the Lobster Mobster and more following in their Subaru Outbacks behind the glorious Bean Machine, driven by the warlord ‘Senator Angus King’." This is all true.

1  (at that moment)

2  (void where prohibited, ask your doctor about possible side effects)