Safety Dance

We're Tabs Now Haven't We: Volume One

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission released an album of consumer safety themed bangers called “We're Safety Now Haven't We: Volume 1.”

The first track is called “Protect Ya Noggin,” about the importance of wearing a helmet, a message reinforced by Our Regrettable Platform’s weird new ad “American Carnage,” in which cartoon residents of a burning dystopian city beat each other to death in the streets outside a peaceful bookstore named “Substack,” where the leaders and philosophical gurus of the brownshirt gangs beating up undesirables outside hang out and discuss who deserves to live.

Ian Servin replies: “good ad, accurately depicts the veneer of civility that masks all the hateful content on substack”

“Ya gotta put your phone away when you’re walking” or better yet, writes Lydia Polgreen, let’s just walk by ourselves and think quietly.

Se Pone Caliente: I thought I was joking the other day when I said that Taylor Lorenz was kicking off the Julia Allison redemption tour, but I forgot about my horrifying power to manifest the worst things that I invent for this cursèd email.2 So now here’s Joseph Bernstein reporting that Allison has traded in her previous hobby of projectile vomiting off toad poison to get engaged to Noah Feldman’s boat and “5,000-square-foot mansard-roofed home.” Feldman is the Dr. Frank N. Furter Professor of Law at Harvard Law School and helped post-U.S.-invasion Iraq write its notoriously successful constitution. Last year he visited Allison for the first time at her house, Burning Man. If you’re wondering “why do I have to know all this about people I don’t care about?” well that’s the old Julia Allison magic working, baby.

Also Today in People You Don’t Care About: Travis M. Andrews reports that Washington D.C. is obsessed3 with a Great Value Mayor Pete named Tony P., a regular DC guy who does regular DC guy things on Tiktok. Tony is a painfully earnest twenty-five year old golfing-kickball-prep school-consulting job Italian American from Methuen, MA, which is exactly the most common Type of Guy that exists in DC’s white transplant circles. It must be tough to be a culture reporter in DC.

Jake Romm: “every letter Marx wrote to Engles:” with a screenshot of two consecutive Twitter trending topics, which sequentially read “Where The Bag At,” “Engels”

Wondtacular: Jennifer Garner gave a homeless man the very shoes off someone else’s feet.

These Words Are Not in the Bible: Zootopia abortion comic location identified. Batman researcher canceled for saying “gay.” T.V. newscaster visibly regrets his life choices in ”Doritos pulls off large cheese dip stunt.” It’s chilly out, better wear your jenchcoat.

Finally: “FTC Names Three Amazon Executives in Suit Over Prime,” reported The Wall St. Journal today, briefly explaining the lawsuit as follows:

The FTC alleges that Amazon had a purposefully complicated cancellation system for Prime members that internally was code-named “Iliad” after the ancient Greek work by Homer. The epic poem is notoriously hard to read.

Nailed the reference, no further questions.

Jaunty Art: “‘Adultbel’ pictures I made” with three comics showing a large red wax-covered Baby-bel cheese sitting in a cubicle in the customer services department, stuck in traffic, and taking out the trash, all captioned “Adultbel.”

Today’s Song: Xiu Xiu, “I Luv the Valley OH!”

Also the whole USCPSC album, obviously. Hey I don’t think I’ve shared the Season Nine playlist yet so there’s that. All the previous seasons’ music is collected in the massive All Tabs playlist. Tomorrow: we both find out what new horrors I’ve accidentally spoken into being.

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