In the Washington Post Sarah Ellison profiled Axel Springer’s Teutonic Wambsgans Mathias Döpfner, leading with the scoop that the six foot seven inch tower of thirst suggested that he and his top executives might “all want to get together for an hour in the morning on November 3 [2020] and pray that Donald Trump will again become President of the United States of America.” Ellison reports that:
Asked about the email, Döpfner initially responded with a forceful denial. “That’s intrinsically false,” he said. “That doesn’t exist. It has never been sent and has never been even imagined.”
When shown a printout of the email, Döpfner changed his story to claim that he was just doing eine bitte, “because that’s exactly the kind of ironic, provocative thing that Döpfner, a garrulous and enthusiastic texter, likes to do.” What garrulous and enthusiastic texter hasn‘t prayed for Donald Trump’s reëlection, right?
Anyway, the CEO of Axel Springer tried to flat-out lie to the Washington Post, is the news here.
But More Importantly:
“Sydney Sweeney’s Family Birthday Party Drama Has Fan Accounts In Crisis.” That hits just right, doesn’t it? Here’s some more: “Lea Michele Addresses Theory That She Can’t Read.” I don’t know anything about this, but I love it. Celebs? At it? I think we can all agree that we needed this.
But all of that was only a prelude to the MIRV of celeb drama that landed last night: “Did Harry Styles Spit On Chris Pine?” There are any number of explainers already, such as Mehera Bonner’s in Cosmo and Adrienne Westenfeld’s in Esquire. Do we really need another one? No. Will that stop me from writing my own? Also no. So here’s what happened, to the best of my understanding.
After the collapse of his messy love triangle with One Direction bandmate Louis Tomlinson and Keith Calder’s sister Eleanor,1 Harry Styles found himself hired by actor and director Olivia Wilde to replace actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf from his prospective un-canceling in her new film “Don’t Worry Darling,” and to replace ex-husband Jason Sudeikis in her boudoir. You thought you were alone in the room, but from directly behind you, far too close for comfort, Shia LaBeouf whispers “she didn’t fire me, I quit and she begged me to come back.” You turn around fast, but there’s no one there. “Don’t Worry Darling” is a C- thriller but an A+ source of celebrity mess, with speculation rampant that its only bright spot, Florence Pugh, is also feuding with Wilde, possibly over Wilde seeming to blame her for LaBeouf’s departure. “That’s not true either, it was all Olivia’s fault” comes Shia’s voice from so close that you can feel his breath curling around the sensitive hairs of your ear’s innermost labyrinth. You squeeze your eyes shut and whisper “you’re not real you’re not real” until you sense that you’re alone again. Also Jordan Peterson got roped into all this too? Whaaaaat?
Finally, last night the film premiered at the Venice Film Festival, and this happened:
Oh yeah, “Best Hollywood Chris” Pine is in the movie too. And like a doughnut, at the center of this mystery is a hole. Why would Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine on live television? Uniquely in the whole chaotic milieu of this disaster, there’s no hint of beouf between those two. One plausible explanation is that this was simply the moment when a spacey Pine discovered his lost sunglasses sitting in his own lap. But that’s just a smaller doughnut with it’s own hole. Is Chris Pine astrally projecting his way through the promotion for this film?
There’s only one answer:
Meanwhile on Ice-crime Island,2 Liz Truss is the new PM and she is living her best life on Twitter. Also the “very right wing” Joe Lycett knows exactly what she’s up to, and Boris Johnson “will now be gently re-entering the atmosphere and splashing down invisibly in some remote and obscure corner of the Pacific.”
Delia Cai (feat. Ed Zitron) turned in what starts as a normal column and ends with a thorough mauling of the pretensions of the entire managerial class. “Imagine, in other words, believing anyone in charge knows what they’re doing.” Delia stop, they’re already dead.
A handy list of incidents, by Jake “dysentery guy” Eberts. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him: “We found where the animated elf man is from. My god in heaven I can't believe it.” (It was “The Christmas Gift of Light (1991).” No one can replace Santa.) He’s Lump, he’s Lump, he’s Lump, your job is dead. Clio Chang: The Junior Bankers Have Made a Startling Discovery. AI finally repairs some famous artistic blunders. And Gigi Berry judged crop art at the state fair.
I’m so glad to be back! A huge thank you to everyone who made Today in Tabs Season Seven possible:
Today’s Song: Beach Bunny, “Sports” (via th0ma5 from the Discord)
~ who tabs the tabsmen? ~
Hey did you know that the first ever official Today in Tabs apparel is available for you to buy, right now? Get your own incomparable and inspiring You Can Always Quit t-shirt in Biblically Accurate White or Beach-Goth Black right below this paywall.
Go get a t-shirt here! They are about half gone. And thank you so much for subscribing.
For God’s sake this is a joke, please do not cite this as evidence. I can’t believe I have to say so but I’m afraid not to.
Energy crisis, innit. Brr.