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I'm Worried Darling
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I'm Worried Darling

What garrulous and enthusiastic texter slouches toward Bethlehem to be born

Rusty Foster
Sep 6, 2022
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In the Washington Post Sarah Ellison profiled Axel Springer’s Teutonic Wambsgans Mathias Döpfner, leading with the scoop that the six foot seven inch tower of thirst suggested that he and his top executives might “all want to get together for an hour in the morning on November 3 [2020] and pray that Donald Trump will again become President of the United States of America.” Ellison reports that:

Asked about the email, Döpfner initially responded with a forceful denial. “That’s intrinsically false,” he said. “That doesn’t exist. It has never been sent and has never been even imagined.”

When shown a printout of the email, Döpfner changed his story to claim that he was just doing eine bitte, “because that’s exactly the kind of ironic, provocative thing that Döpfner, a garrulous and enthusiastic texter, likes to do.” What garrulous and enthusiastic texter hasn‘t prayed for Donald Trump’s reëlection, right?

Anyway, the CEO of Axel Springer tried to flat-out lie to the Washington Post, is the news here.

But More Importantly:

Twitter avatar for @dril
wint @dril
it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again
6:34 PM ∙ Sep 24, 2014
47,209Likes22,476Retweets

“Sydney Sweeney’s Family Birthday Party Drama Has Fan Accounts In Crisis.” That hits just right, doesn’t it? Here’s some more: “Lea Michele Addresses Theory That She Can’t Read.” I don’t know anything about this, but I love it. Celebs? At it? I think we can all agree that we needed this.

But all of that was only a prelude to the MIRV of celeb drama that landed last night: “Did Harry Styles Spit On Chris Pine?” There are any number of explainers already, such as Mehera Bonner’s in Cosmo and Adrienne Westenfeld’s in Esquire. Do we really need another one? No. Will that stop me from writing my own? Also no. So here’s what happened, to the best of my understanding.

Twitter avatar for @HornBoy2
Scrumbo Tuggins @HornBoy2
Just wait till I stop viewing time as linear, then it’ll be all over for you bitches (but also just beginning)
12:27 AM ∙ Sep 4, 2022
21Likes5Retweets

After the collapse of his messy love triangle with One Direction bandmate Louis Tomlinson and Keith Calder’s sister Eleanor,

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Harry Styles found himself hired by actor and director Olivia Wilde to replace actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf from his prospective un-canceling in her new film “Don’t Worry Darling,” and to replace ex-husband Jason Sudeikis in her boudoir. You thought you were alone in the room, but from directly behind you, far too close for comfort, Shia LaBeouf whispers “she didn’t fire me, I quit and she begged me to come back.” You turn around fast, but there’s no one there. “Don’t Worry Darling” is a C- thriller but an A+ source of celebrity mess, with speculation rampant that its only bright spot, Florence Pugh, is also feuding with Wilde, possibly over Wilde seeming to blame her for LaBeouf’s departure. “That’s not true either, it was all Olivia’s fault” comes Shia’s voice from so close that you can feel his breath curling around the sensitive hairs of your ear’s innermost labyrinth. You squeeze your eyes shut and whisper “you’re not real you’re not real” until you sense that you’re alone again. Also Jordan Peterson got roped into all this too? Whaaaaat?

Finally, last night the film premiered at the Venice Film Festival, and this happened:

Twitter avatar for @Mac70J
JZMaclin @Mac70J
#HarryStyles appears to spit on Chris Pine i won't sleep until i know the truth
1:15 AM ∙ Sep 6, 2022
97,104Likes9,358Retweets

Oh yeah, “Best Hollywood Chris” Pine is in the movie too. And like a doughnut, at the center of this mystery is a hole. Why would Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine on live television? Uniquely in the whole chaotic milieu of this disaster, there’s no hint of beouf between those two. One plausible explanation is that this was simply the moment when a spacey Pine discovered his lost sunglasses sitting in his own lap. But that’s just a smaller doughnut with it’s own hole. Is Chris Pine astrally projecting his way through the promotion for this film?

There’s only one answer:

Chris Pine, eyes rolled back in his head and looking like the Watchmen comic’s Dr. Manhattan, sits on Mars, below the caption: “It is 2022. I am at the Venice Film Festival. Harry Styles just spit on me.”
I am tired of Earth. These darlings. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their worries. (Image by Tabs Sr. Contr. Ed. for Graphics Alison Headley)

Meanwhile on Ice-crime Island,

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Liz Truss is the new PM and she is living her best life on Twitter. Also the “very right wing” Joe Lycett knows exactly what she’s up to, and Boris Johnson “will now be gently re-entering the atmosphere and splashing down invisibly in some remote and obscure corner of the Pacific.”

Twitter avatar for @wifeaholic
wifeaholic @wifeaholic
and i find it kind of funny i find it kind of sad when my child says “i’m hungry” i say “hi hungry, i’m dad”
4:11 PM ∙ Sep 3, 2022
349Likes49Retweets

Delia Cai (feat. Ed Zitron) turned in what starts as a normal column and ends with a thorough mauling of the pretensions of the entire managerial class. “Imagine, in other words, believing anyone in charge knows what they’re doing.” Delia stop, they’re already dead.

A handy list of incidents, by Jake “dysentery guy” Eberts. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him: “We found where the animated elf man is from. My god in heaven I can't believe it.” (It was “The Christmas Gift of Light (1991).” No one can replace Santa.) He’s Lump, he’s Lump, he’s Lump, your job is dead. Clio Chang: The Junior Bankers Have Made a Startling Discovery. AI finally repairs some famous artistic blunders. And Gigi Berry judged crop art at the state fair.

Twitter avatar for @ipaddlearound
paddle @ipaddlearound
anytime you feel the urge to look at ur phone while driving, pick up a book instead.
2:44 PM ∙ Aug 31, 2022
37,528Likes3,522Retweets

I’m so glad to be back! A huge thank you to everyone who made Today in Tabs Season Seven possible:

A blue background with a pixelated white list of names, all slightly cursed. For example: “BRETER SMYLY” and “JAKEL STUBBS.” It’s a one-page web app that generates lists of absurd names in the style of the famous 1995 Nintendo game “Fighting Baseball.”
And of course Mike Truk.

Today’s Song: Beach Bunny, “Sports” (via th0ma5 from the Discord)

~ who tabs the tabsmen? ~

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For God’s sake this is a joke, please do not cite this as evidence. I can’t believe I have to say so but I’m afraid not to.

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Energy crisis, innit. Brr.

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