Might As Well Be Staring At The Sun

Did an Elder God write this? If an Elder God wrote this you have to say.

Sorry Tabs is a little late today, but just as I sat down to write the Elder Sky God began to consume the Sun, plunging Earth into a freezing darkness and extinguishing all possibility of life. So, like, I figured that’s gotta be a day off? But apparently not, as the Elder Sky God was unable to extinguish the immortal Sun’s holy life-giving fire, and vomited it back up. So I guess we have to work after all.

lanyardigan wrote “(hands folded) and please let us have just one new pic of Trump staring bare-eyed at the sky, amen”

The New York Times apocalypse desk was hard at work, sending out a push alert to promise that “the eclipse will allow millions to behold disquieting darkness.” Buddy, we all remember January 6th. Doing a kind of Cat Stevens x Nostradamus collab, Michael Roston and Ben Shpigel wrote:

“The full force of the moon’s shadow crossed the United States on Monday, as the first total solar eclipse in seven years plunged the day into darkness and reminded all in its path of our planet’s place in the cosmos.”

Exactly how much force is “the full force of the moon’s shadow?” (Moon shadow…) But if I ever lose my eyes, I wouldn’t be able to see Times Politics posting nonsense like “Trump Says Abortion Restrictions Should Be Left to the States.” Maybe those eclipse glasses were a bad idea. If you Ask Polly we should reject modernity and embrace totality:

So today… pray to what you don’t know. Pray to the darkening sky and the encroaching clouds. Pray to the old ladies chattering about colanders and castles, pin holes and packed sandwiches. Surrender to the real magic around you.

Did an Elder God write this? If an Elder God wrote this you have to say, in accordance with the ancient Blood Pact of R'lyeh sanctified by the flesh of the slaughtered Meketrex Supplicants. 😉

Did Somebody Say #Events?

Linda Yaccarino dropped maybe the platonic Linda Yaccarino post, writing: “Lots going on this weekend….join the conversation.” I swear that is the whole thing.

Jacob Bacharach was moved to poetry:

“Lots going on this weekend….join the con-
versation. Speak words. Use language that
symbolizes acts and objects: a cat,
a verb of action, adjectives….”

The big tab #event of the weekend was “It’s Not What the World Needs Right Now” by Andrew Norman Wilson for The Baffler:

It’s 2016. I’m a contemporary artist and have been living off of Medicaid, food stamps, and $20k annually since graduating from art school five years ago…

New York increasingly feels like a sexy jail or a 9/11-themed Sbarro, so I use the money to buy a 2000 Volvo S70 with 250,000 miles on it for $500 from my dad, who likes to fix up totaled jalopies with his friend. The AC’s cooked, but the summer is my window of opportunity, so I head west in late June to become an “LA Artist,” which to me is an indicator that one has achieved adequate exposure and now needs time and space to focus on commissions to come.

Is it a scathing indictment of creative class precarity in Donald Trump’s America, where the opportunity to create art depends on unrelated skills like begging wealthy acquaintances to let you pet-sit for them and engaging in a little light tax fraud? Or is it a white man rich in cultural capital (if not actual capital) whining about how no one will give a regular guy like him a break anymore? Only you can decide. Either way, it is undoubtedly a pitch for someone to option his life story so if you like it, Wilson’s email is included at the end.

Alexandra Petri posted: “hey baby am I the moon because I’d like to move my body in a way that inconveniences and alarms thousands”

In The Fence Bethany Elliott glances down at the bottomless history of streakers at sporting events. Emily Gould on the Moms who smoke in secret. (Not her.) Jo Livingstone: “‘Where's Daddy’ or Ghost Bat? The 11 Cutest AI Military Killing Programs.” I haven’t gone five minutes in the last two weeks without thinking about top quality industrial and food grade glycine from Donghua Jinlong. It’s really getting to be a problem.


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Finally: Nicole He and Devolver Digital announced “The Crush House… a reality tv thirst-person shooter.” Eurogamer wrote it up and here’s the reveal trailer. But remember the number one rule: “no matter what happens, never speak to the cast.”

Today’s Song: "Staring at the Sun" by TV on the Radio

Music Intern Sam is on-brand today. Tomorrow: with today’s defeat of the-fucking-moon, Alex Balk will return from the underworld bringing spring to our withered land once more. I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday.