Clown Sighting File

Experts are warning: DO NOT DO THIS.

Everyone’s always asking “Kanye?” but it seems like no one ever asks “how Ye?” How Ye today is: trying to buy the largely deserted January 6 planning hub and hard-r social network Parler, run by his White Lives Matter pal Candance Owens’s husband Lord George Brexington. The media coverage would seem to be all Kim’s middle aged ex-husband needs for the purposes of his current mental health crisis, but I expect we’ll have to keep hearing about it for several more months anyway. RIP Matthew S. Levine’s vacation plans. Jeremy Renner could not be reached for comment. Late-Breaking Update: Apparently Parler announced the prospective deal to its VIP users with a mass, non-blinded email, and the reply-all-pocalypse is now underway.

Meanwhile, in Stabbingdon-upon-Thames: The Leader’s statement that ”the Prime Minister is not under a desk” is bringing back a lot of questions about that necklace which are answered by the Leader’s statement.

Today in Florida Woman: Emmanuel the viral TikTok Emu is also the bad viral, as avian flu has torn through Knuckle Bump Farm and his owner Taylor Blake is committed to the mutually amplifying mistakes of raw-dog frenching her sick bird and posting through it. In Gizmodo, Lauren Leffer writes:

Although not very common, bird flu can and has jumped from poultry to people multiple times before. A strain closely related to the one currently circulating nationwide has infected hundreds of people in the past two decades and killed about 50% of those who contracted it, according to the World Health Organization.

Kissing bats >>>>>> kissing emus, #justmythoughts.

Never Meta Company I Like Less: After all that, the legs were a lie. However, I take no pleasure in reporting that the trash platform and its spokesman Andy Stone (who also sucks super bad) are probably in the right in their dispute with Indian tech news site The Wire. If you’ve been ignoring this, Alex Stamos summarized where things currently stand. The proof is that “for last one month” is something that a New Hampshire native would never write, the rest is just corroborating evidence.

“You have to see this family’s hilarious baby tooth tradition to believe it.” They put them in badly carved wooden beavers. You have to neither see it nor believe it. Also, Bitcoin got constipated and in an Arxiv paper, Çağlar Aytekin claimed that neural networks are just big decision trees:

In this manuscript, we show that any neural network having piece-wise linear activation functions can be represented as a decision tree. The representation is equivalence and not an approximation, thus keeping the accuracy of the neural network exactly as is. This equivalence shows that neural networks are indeed interpretable by design and makes the “black-box” understanding obsolete.

Intermission: via Jonty in the Discord, here’s “Smooth Criminal” on a barrel organ. “Ok, yes,” you think, “I get it, very nice,” but then you get to 2:40 and it goes off.

Everyone wants me to include this even though fisheries stories always make me mad, so FINE: Where are the Alaskan crabs? The Washington Post’s Andrew Jeong reports: 

Alaska will cancel the upcoming winter snow crab season in the Bering Sea for the first time, and bar fishers from catching king crabs in the Bristol Bay for a second consecutive year, because of a sharp decline in their estimated population.

This week’s announcements by the Alaska Department of Fish and Game deal a severe blow to fishers who make a living off the crabs. They also bring back to the forefront questions about the role of climate change in the rapid decline of the snow crab population: The number of juvenile snow crabs was at record highs just a few years ago, before some 90 percent of snow crabs mysteriously disappeared ahead of last season.

Is it a mystery? Or is it a combination of climate change, predation, capitalism, nationalism, overfishing, federal mismanagement, and the fact that “Trawlers that pursue pollock with large nets that bounce along the bottom, potentially harming crab, also do not face new restrictions?” Truly a WHO CAN SAY that’s visible from space. Our system of regulating deeply interconnected fisheries piecemeal by individual species continues to make perfect sense and work extremely well, and if you need me I guess I’ll be over here eating nothing but local cultured mussels and playing CRAB WITH A CIGARETTE.

Brewster Kahle gave a grant to Maria Bustillos’s formerly crypto-powered cooperative blogging endeavor Popula, which she immediately used to hire INDIGNITY’s Tom Scocca and Joe MacLeod, and bring on Alex Pareene to write a newsletter. In The Fine Print, Andrew Fedorov drew a comparison between the new Popula and The Smiths dot news’s Semafor, which is rumored to be signing multi-million dollar contracts with some contributors, so perhaps we’ve got a new Awl vs. Fusion brewing. At press time, Felix Salmon was still working for Axios.

It was something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right that “Time of Your Life” was such a huge hit, argues Dan Moore in The Ringer. Despite being nothing but praise, this story is still somehow not positive enough about Green Day.

Today’s Song: Third Eye Blind, “London”

Listen, Third Eye Blind deep cuts is just who I am and we all have to live with it. Thank you to the subscribers, without you I would have to choose between going to work for Popula or Semafor instead of affectionately making fun of them both. And thank you to you for reading, subscriber or not. One by one, I will eventually convince you all, but there’s plenty of time. Music is here. Lots more music is also here.

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