Today in Tabs

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But Pine is a Softwood
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But Pine is a Softwood

Today in yikes

Rusty Foster
Sep 7, 2022
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But Pine is a Softwood
www.todayintabs.com

Every big Tabs event throws off a bunch of random factoids and connections like “sparks fugitive as flintstrikings in the unanimous dark of the world,” as Cormac McCarthy described this exact phenomenon in his 1985 celebrity roman à clef “Blood Meridian.” Since it’s Wednesday and we’re all still catching our breath from lo spiedo a Venezia, let’s see what else has turned up since yesterday about all the Darlings.

🍆 But pine is a softwood:

Is Chris Pine actually anonymous millennial-joke-erotica superstar Chuck Tingle? This has been a fan theory for a while, apparently. I’m just gonna say yes he is. Asked and answered.

Twitter avatar for @ChairAdventures
Dana Koster @ChairAdventures
I student-taught an erotica class at UC Berkeley in 2002 and Chris Pine was in it. He is a FANTASTIC writer and was never creepy even though we were all constantly discussing sex https://t.co/B0YXPATXeG
Twitter avatar for @BAKKOOONN
BAKOON @BAKKOOONN
if anyone has any nice allegations against a celebrity that would be great too. does a famous actor give good christmas presents. does lady comedian alwyays smoke people out
11:52 PM ∙ Nov 12, 2017
9,876Likes2,283Retweets

💐 The Queen must ride alone:

Uncontested drama winner Florence Pugh will not be at the “Don’t Worry Darling” New York premiere, report Tatiana Siegel and Nancy Dillon in Rolling Stone. “It’s just like a salad of good gossip,” says their source.

Florence Pugh living her best life in the flower dress at the end of "Midsommar"

🦶 Olivia Wilde, nepo baby (part one):

Kate Martin recalled that Olivia Wilde’s mom Leslie Cockburn “ran for Congress in VA05 in 2018 and accused her opponent of being a ‘devotee of Bigfoot erotica’.” Cockburn lost to her opponent, Republican and self-described platonic Bigfoot aficionado Denver Riggleman, whose Wikipedia table of contents includes “4.1.1.1: Interest in Bigfoot,” and who won the 2018 race only to be primaried out of it from the right in 2020. Riggleman went on to publish a book titled “Bigfoot… It’s Complicated.” Meanwhile, this website is still free:

Twitter thread starting with Kate Martin’s tweet: “Olivia Wilde's mom ran for Congress in #VA05 in 2018 and accused her opponent of being a "devotee of Bigfoot erotica" if that's a morsel of information that will be of interest to your Don't Worry Darling group chat”, followed by a reply from Patrick Brown that says “In all fairness - he was a fan of Big Foot Erotica,” after which Denver Riggleman himself pops up replying ”No I wasn’t. Don’t be an idiot.”
Screenshot via Cole Leiter

😬 Olivia Wilde, nepo baby (part two):

The author Séamas O'Reilly, also recalled that as he wrote in Elle Magazine in 2010, “Christopher Hitchens was Olivia Wilde's babysitter.” Also, yikes:

Excerpt from Christopher Hitchens on Olivia Wilde from Elle Magazine, Feb 23, 2010: She was so nearly cast as the last Bond girl, and we all said, "Cheer up, something better will be the silver or rather golden ­lining." And now we can see her all the time on House instead of once in a throwaway blockbuster. As my rheumy old eyes begin to mist, I can still say lightly to people who ask: "Olivia...? Yes, as a matter of fact I did know her in her younger days. You should have seen her then."

Speaking of yikes:

Dr. Mehmet Oz, the Republican Pennsylvania Senate candidate who looks increasingly like a Democratic op designed to hand the seat to his technically living Democratic opponent John Fetterman, followed up his recent call for smokers to be thrown out of the workforce with a new leak in Jezebel of his past opinions on how much incest is too much. The answer may surprise you! Then he wrapped up with this all-time yikes of a quote:

“You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together,” Oz told the hosts. “My daughters hate my smell.”

We’ve learned so much today!

Just like Lea Michele definitely learned to read a long time ago, a fact which was widely celebrated last night as the allegedly literate former Glee actor debuted in Funny Girl on Broadway. Reportedly she “fucking ate,” which is probably good.

Twitter avatar for @grantisdumb
mothman @grantisdumb
FANNY BRICE HAS A LINE WHERE SHE SAYS “I HAVEN’T READ MANY BOOKS” AND EVERYONE LAUGHED VERY NERVOUSLY
12:42 AM ∙ Sep 7, 2022
3,985Likes169Retweets

Cat Marnell is writing a novel and Page Six just let her and her publicist go hog wild with hyperbolic quotes. I love this for all of them.

Today in Crabs: Researchers from the University of Maryland (of course) and the University of Houston have designed a zinc-ion rechargeable battery made from crab shells. Also, “Prismaticrabs! Colorful crab pins” on Kickstarter.

Twitter avatar for @SwingRhythm2
Moonlight Serenade🇺🇦 @SwingRhythm2
Behold, the Maryland Air National Guard
Image
4:13 PM ∙ Sep 6, 2022
76,336Likes9,220Retweets

A study finds that “most floating plastics in the North Pacific subtropical gyre can be traced back to five industrialised fishing nations.” Actually Kind of Heartwarming: California prevented blackouts by texting everyone “hey can u just not for a minute?” “What is Going on With Bed, Bath & Beyond?” The “beyond” is bees. It used to be called Bed, Bath & Bees but then the killjoys in the marketing department got involved. Emily Sundberg says the dinner party is over. Time to go home. Let’s go, I’ll call you an Uber. I need to go to bed.

Twitter avatar for @mollymulshine
Molly Mulshine @mollymulshine
You can tell all the positive reviews of Lea Michele as Fanny are genuine bc it's not like they're worried she's gonna read them
11:25 AM ∙ Sep 7, 2022

Teen-Beat just released a new Tuscadero record? It’s a live show from 1996 at Tramps in NY. “The other bands on the bill that night were Archers of Loaf and Magic Dirt.” Lol. It’s great though. And because the 90s are back, Modest Mouse just announced the Lonesome Crowded West 25th anniversary tour where they will play their best album in its entirety. As Cormac McCarthy wrote in “Cowboy Dan:” “God, if I have to die, you will have to die.”

Today’s Song: Tuscadero, “Game Song (Live)”

~ because we’re carrying the tabs ~

Oh you thought I wasn’t gonna promote the You Can Always Quit t-shirt? Today is the last subscriber-exclusive day and small black shirts are already sold out. Medium black are almost gone too so if you want one of those, don’t wait! Tomorrow the store opens up to everyone. (Full disclosure: if you want white, I think there’s plenty? But you should subscribe anyway. Throw me a bone here.)

"You Can Always Quit" T-shirt

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