But Pine is a Softwood
Today in yikes
Every big Tabs event throws off a bunch of random factoids and connections like “sparks fugitive as flintstrikings in the unanimous dark of the world,” as Cormac McCarthy described this exact phenomenon in his 1985 celebrity roman à clef “Blood Meridian.” Since it’s Wednesday and we’re all still catching our breath from lo spiedo a Venezia, let’s see what else has turned up since yesterday about all the Darlings.
🍆 But pine is a softwood:
Is Chris Pine actually anonymous millennial-joke-erotica superstar Chuck Tingle? This has been a fan theory for a while, apparently. I’m just gonna say yes he is. Asked and answered.
💐 The Queen must ride alone:
Uncontested drama winner Florence Pugh will not be at the “Don’t Worry Darling” New York premiere, report Tatiana Siegel and Nancy Dillon in Rolling Stone. “It’s just like a salad of good gossip,” says their source.
🦶 Olivia Wilde, nepo baby (part one):
Kate Martin recalled that Olivia Wilde’s mom Leslie Cockburn “ran for Congress in VA05 in 2018 and accused her opponent of being a ‘devotee of Bigfoot erotica’.” Cockburn lost to her opponent, Republican and self-described platonic Bigfoot aficionado Denver Riggleman, whose Wikipedia table of contents includes “188.8.131.52: Interest in Bigfoot,” and who won the 2018 race only to be primaried out of it from the right in 2020. Riggleman went on to publish a book titled “Bigfoot… It’s Complicated.” Meanwhile, this website is still free:
😬 Olivia Wilde, nepo baby (part two):
Speaking of yikes:
Dr. Mehmet Oz, the Republican Pennsylvania Senate candidate who looks increasingly like a Democratic op designed to hand the seat to his technically living Democratic opponent John Fetterman, followed up his recent call for smokers to be thrown out of the workforce with a new leak in Jezebel of his past opinions on how much incest is too much. The answer may surprise you! Then he wrapped up with this all-time yikes of a quote:
“You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together,” Oz told the hosts. “My daughters hate my smell.”
We’ve learned so much today!
Just like Lea Michele definitely learned to read a long time ago, a fact which was widely celebrated last night as the allegedly literate former Glee actor debuted in Funny Girl on Broadway. Reportedly she “fucking ate,” which is probably good.
Cat Marnell is writing a novel and Page Six just let her and her publicist go hog wild with hyperbolic quotes. I love this for all of them.
Today in Crabs: Researchers from the University of Maryland (of course) and the University of Houston have designed a zinc-ion rechargeable battery made from crab shells. Also, “Prismaticrabs! Colorful crab pins” on Kickstarter.
A study finds that “most floating plastics in the North Pacific subtropical gyre can be traced back to five industrialised fishing nations.” Actually Kind of Heartwarming: California prevented blackouts by texting everyone “hey can u just not for a minute?” “What is Going on With Bed, Bath & Beyond?” The “beyond” is bees. It used to be called Bed, Bath & Bees but then the killjoys in the marketing department got involved. Emily Sundberg says the dinner party is over. Time to go home. Let’s go, I’ll call you an Uber. I need to go to bed.
Teen-Beat just released a new Tuscadero record? It’s a live show from 1996 at Tramps in NY. “The other bands on the bill that night were Archers of Loaf and Magic Dirt.” Lol. It’s great though. And because the 90s are back, Modest Mouse just announced the Lonesome Crowded West 25th anniversary tour where they will play their best album in its entirety. As Cormac McCarthy wrote in “Cowboy Dan:” “God, if I have to die, you will have to die.”
Today’s Song: Tuscadero, “Game Song (Live)”
~ because we’re carrying the tabs ~
Oh you thought I wasn’t gonna promote the You Can Always Quit t-shirt? Today is the last subscriber-exclusive day and small black shirts are already sold out. Medium black are almost gone too so if you want one of those, don’t wait! Tomorrow the store opens up to everyone. (Full disclosure: if you want white, I think there’s plenty? But you should subscribe anyway. Throw me a bone here.)