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Everybody be cool, this is not a robbery.

Lo-fi beats are chill, but the proliferation of chill lo-fi beats is very un-chill. Fortunately now there’s Lofi.cafe, which allows you to switch between various flavors of lo-fi beat while keeping your chill intact. We learned yesterday that robot police dogs are un-chill, but Michael Reeves wondered what if instead of menacing people, you taught a robot dog to piss beer? Very chill in concept, less chill in practice, but still funny.

I don’t know if it’s the lo-fi beats or the luxurious opulence of these Mödernã proteins coursing through my bloodstream but I am too chill to get worked up about anything today. CD Projekt Red is trying to patch an issue with Cyberpunk 2077 where cops “spawn behind the player’s back.” If they do get that fixed it would be ultra-chill if they’d apply it to our simulation too. Safy-Hallan Farah predicts what will be cool this summer, including “Earnestness, Maximalism, Blogging and Communism.” Those are also the four chill values that all new Tabs interns are required to pledge themselves to. Swole Woman Casey Johnston gobbled some “jazz gummies” for science, to see if getting high helped her work out. Was it chill? Yes, but let’s just say: plan out your reps beforehand.

Tyfanee Fortuna wrote a Facebook post last week about her nightmare foster dog Prancer, perhaps the least chill creature to live here on satan’s football since the Monkeydactyl went extinct: “There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins.” Then the NY Post discovered that Fortuna, “currently caring for nine dogs and a dozen cats,” funds her pet rescue work with an OnlyFans, which is both very chill and makes it the most NY Post story possible. A New Zealand coffin maker figured out how to make funerals a lot more chill, with coffins shaped like “a sailboat, a firetruck, a chocolate bar… Lego blocks,” or a giant cream donut. But until it’s time for us to head to the great bakery rack in the sky, catch me at the lake:

Substack’s new attempt to turn Egg money into goodwill is “Substack Local,” a subscription-fee advance program for writers who want to start a local news site but haven’t heard of Patch Labs. According to Jacob Bernstein, the rich are returning to New York, and the locals don’t love it. But the only place where everyone’s a local is:

Coffee? In my mailbox? It’s more likely than you think. Get fresh beans from the coffee experts delivered for that special morning time.

No Longer On The Fence

Former Bachelor lead and former alleged heterosexual Colton Underwood came out as gay yesterday. There’s already going to be a Netflix show about it according to Variety, and Gay Twitter™ has mixed reactions. It’s great that Colton is stepping into his truth, and considering how big/straight-washed The Bachelor is, his “coming out” is courageous. But while you can erase your Instagram feed, you can’t erase your whole past. Specifically the restraining order for “alleged harassment and stalking” part of your past.

It’s exciting Colton is about to explore this new side of himself that he’s previously denied, but I’m questioning how healthy it is for him to publicize this incredibly personal experience in the same manner he did his virginity. But I guess he’s just giving the people what they want


(STUDIO CAM)

Rusty: Wow, “Gus Kenworthy will appear on the series as his ‘gay guide’” huh? Is there like an agency or…

Intern Pernell: Yes and it's run by Ryan Murphy. I apply every year and am rejected—I'm hoping this internship will help land me an acceptance.

Rusty: Well, good luck with that! And now: here’s the Yahoo!

This is actually such a deep question, with a with a surprisingly thoughtful answer that is too long to include, but ends “Stick to your own thoughts. Don't be bullied by bigots.”

[VT-SOT: CREDITS / THEME SONG: Bomb the Music Industry, “Future 86”]

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That’s a wrap on Thursday! I’m planning to take next week off, my kids have spring break, my wife has a deadline, and I could use a vacation after 3 and half months of nonstop tabbing. But there’s still a lovely open thread on the way tomorrow, so subscribe if you don’t already, and come say hi.

Shout out to my Scriptonauts! Did you find the Missing Fence?