Where Are People?

Don't burn that Bitcoin ATM, there's actual money in there, too!

At least four new people are in space today, after blasting off from… I want to say Earth? Somewhere on Earth, probably. We all must have said everything we had to say about billionaires going to space, because it seems like no one cared about this launch, despite it being billed as a $200 million fundraiser for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital by a guy who absolutely could have afforded to give $200 million to St. Jude’s without even going to space about it. Onboard is Dr. Sian Proctor, a geology professor who is being described as the “first-ever Black female spacecraft pilot,” although I’m not sure what “pilot” means in a craft that famously pilots itself, on a mission where “commander” means “the guy who paid the bill.” But they’re up there right now, zooming around in a big circle high above the International Space Station, listening to Macklemore and gazing down at a planet that is united in not gazing back up at them.

Where is Brian Laundrie? At home in Florida and refusing to say anything about his missing fiancée, Gabrielle Petito, who was last heard from in Wyoming on August 25th, after an August 12th encounter with Moab, UT police near Arches National Park. The couple, on an extended #vanlife roadtrip since July, were seen fighting earlier that day outside the Moonflower Co-op in Moab, where Kylen Schulte worked until the last time she and her wife Crystal Turner were both seen, on August 13th. Schulte and Turner were found on August 18th “near their campsite in the La Sal Mountains. They had been shot dead.” Gabrielle Petito remains missing, after Laundrie arrived back in Florida alone on September 1st. Is there any reason to connect these two weird stories, besides all the obvious but possibly meaningless connections between them? I don’t know! No one knows. Laundrie, the only living person involved, “on the advice of counsel… is not speaking on this matter," said his lawyer.

Also, in Slate, Ben Mathis-Lilley has compiled a Q&A of what is currently known about the “Incredibly Bizarre and Almost Implausibly Gothic South Carolina Murders and Deaths,” published under the exquisite headline: “Let Me Say This With As Much Sensitivity As I Can: Wow, That’s a Lot of Dead People and Crime.” This is a true crime newsletter now I guess? I just follow where the Tabs lead me.

Have you already forgotten about the people in space? Me too.

Where are people: Getting these new vaccine names? Finding comfort that they’re not a Bitcoin billionaire or setting fire to the Bitcoin ATM? Hanging out during the hurricane? Going to satisfy our urge for competitive philanthropy now, CBS you cowards? Over-analyzing rap lyrics (or “annotating the news” lol)? Finding their horny art in the metaverse?

Mr. Weber’s Confession: Vanity Fair has a long story that I can’t summarize any better than they already did, so here you go:

Last year, veteran journalist Nancy Jo Sales got a strange call from Exeter, her high school alma mater. The elite boarding school was investigating an anonymous accusation of sexual misconduct—and the writer was the alleged victim. The problem? Sales says it never happened.

It’s a he-said, she-said but neither one is saying what you’d expect, and the school appears to be making the same mistakes out of zeal that it formerly made out of reluctance.

Piers Morgan, an alleged human that flies avoid in disgust, has been hired by Rupert Murdoch to head News UK’s newest effort to topple the postwar democratic order while repurposing its cheap existing video feeds of radio talk shows into brain melting chum for elderly shut-ins.

The White House Wants to Talk to Nicki Minaj About Her Cousin’s Friend’s Balls,” and please, let’s let that be the end of it.

New Republic publisher Win McCormack published a glowing editorial in praise of New York Times columnist and well-intentioned sweater-vest Nicholas Kristof, titled “Nick Kristof for Governor.” Kristof is exploring a run for Oregon governor next year in an effort currently being “coordinated” by McCormack’s wife, political consultant Carol Butler.

Today’s Song: Sleigh Bells, “A/B Machines” (thanks Sam!)

~Trying and lying, tabbing, denying, crying and dying, where is everybody?~

Happy Tabs Friday! I’m blasting off to space for the Open Thread tomorrow, so if you don’t subscribe yet, get on that while the September sale is live and join the almost two thousand (!) subscribers that are already keeping this machine fueled up with clean, renewable tabs. And hey: if you got all the way here, do me a favor and hit the little button down below? It does absolutely nothing but increment a counter, but it would be funny if one random post had several hundred likes for no reason. Ok thanks bye.