A Long Walk For a Short Piers

Piers Morgan heads to his new gig in the 27 million degree fusion core of the sun. Plus: Animal Tabs!

Piers Morgan, a British TV host and dusty heap of chins who would like to speak to your manager, huffily walked off his morning TV show today when co-host Alex Beresford called out his ongoing bullying of Meghan Markle. The atmosphere on Good Morning Britain was already frosty, even by British standards, after Morgan opened the show by snidely commenting on how co-host Charlotte Hawkins was dressed. Morgan has a longtime grudge against Markle because she declined to repeat the mistake of dating him once, and he has never gotten over it. According to Variety, “U.K. media regulator Ofcom has launched an investigation after more than 41,000 people wrote in to complain” about his trashing Markle on the show yesterday, following the Oprah interview. GMB network ITV has since announced that Morgan not only walked off the set but is, in fact, leaving the show altogether. We can only hope he plans to quit Earth as well, and go live in the white-hot fusion core of the sun. We wish him the best in his next project of becoming a soup of atomic plasma that will be ejected into the depths of space when the sun burns through its hydrogen fuel five billion years from now.

And courtesy of The Washington Post, here is an instant classic pandemic-flavored “why I left New York” tab by Jennifer Miller, who moved her family from Brooklyn to the mysterious mountain city of “Boulder,” in the little-known land of “Colorado,” and found that maybe these two very different nations are… not so different after all. Mainly in that they both have kombucha.

But it’s Tuesday and I promised you animal tabs! Joe Biden’s rescue German Shepherd Major Biden bit a security guard and is now spending some time in Delaware, trying to wash the taste out of his mouth. Edith Zimmerman drew a picture of a puppy. What did you think of it? Did you like it? (She can re-send). A “stocky gray cat with a blue tag and a shit attitude” is menacing the Glebe neighborhood of Ottawa, which is apparently Canada’s capital city. Cartoon skunk Pepe Le Pew will not be returning from the era when you could play stalking and sexual harassment for laughs in a cartoon. Apparently they filmed a sequence for the new Space Jam reboot where LeBron James teaches Mr. Le Pew about consent, but replacement director Malcom D. Lee dropped it. It will presumably be included in the forthcoming Zack Snyder cut. Also in cartoon animals / Space Jam news: Ryan Broderick has the real story about that Lola Bunny tweet. It is not what you think!

From space cartoons to the undersea world: scientists have found three glow-in-the-dark sharks, one of which has the absolutely sick scientific name Etmopterus lucifer. A man in Conrad, Montana caught a 32.43 pound brown trout, and took himself the Tinder profile picture of a lifetime. Can I just briefly return to the fact that there are apparently sharks that glow an unearthly blue in the stygian depths of the sea? Ok. Anyway, on dumb conference-call app Clubhouse there was a “Whale Moan Room… in which everyone just moans (?) like whales (?) for hours.” Then they got in a feud with the other whale moan room. Eventually a splinter group formed an elephant moan room. Clubhouse: Not Even Once. I mean (back to the sharks) will you just look at this thing:

In Bird News, we have the spectacular albatross above to remind us that any landing you walk away from is a good landing. A white cardinal blessed Gallatin, TN with this incredible spring lewk. Birdwatching is not so popular on Twitter though, where the number of notes in the lovably hapless platform’s volunteer fact-checking program Birdwatch has decreased every week since it launched. Drones are the birds of the future, and here is a very good drone film of a bowling alley. Finally, today’s snack is lettuce:

It’s Pub Day: I mentioned Elon Green’s “Last Call” in a footnote yesterday but it’s officially for sale today. Here’s another glowing review of it from NPR’s Ilana Masad. It’s also pub day for Jess Zimmerman’s “Women and Other Monsters,” “A fresh cultural analysis of female monsters from Greek mythology.” Everything Jess writes is great, for example here is the last thing from her newsletter, about how maybe we’re not going to go back to The Before Times at all. It’s great. Pick anything else she wrote: it’s also great. And it’s pub day for New Yorker editor Jessica Winter’s new novel “The Fourth Child.” In the New York Times, Mary Beth Keane says that Winter is ”a genius.” 

Today’s Song: “Diving Woman,” a soothing Tuesday jam from Japanese Breakfast (via Indie Mixtape)

~ Hey! Where ya goin’? I’m going where the tastiest Tabs are! ~

Did you know we carry classified ads on Wednesday? And I hardly need to tell you that is tomorrow, because you just read Tuesday’s Tabs. You can buy one right here. I tweet @fka_tabs and sometimes @TodayinTabs. I’m thinking about making a playlist of all the songs of the day.

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