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Welcome to Season Nine
Today in Death, procyonic onanism, and scientists have grown an entity.
“Wow,” you’re thinking, “I can’t believe it’s the ninth year of Tabs!” Oh sweet summer child, of course not. I started in 2013 and a season is about half a year so there’s actually only been five years of Tabs. Don’t double check that, it’s just math.
During the hiatus I hiked more than sixty miles, paddled at least three northern Maine lakes, caught an invasive smallmouth bass who wasn’t supposed to be there but released it because I didn’t know that at the time, replaced my truck’s alternator in a grass parking lot at Baxter State Park’s Nesowadnehunk Field (“the most remote of the Park’s roadside campgrounds”), and climbed Whitecap Mountain with three kids, a dog, and a friend I hadn’t seen for fourteen years.
But after a month in the woods subsisting on bugs and rainwater, I’m back and I’m hungry. Mostly hungry for anything that isn’t bugs, but also hungry for content.1 Luckily the only thing that happened while I was gone was the tabi swiper, so let’s just pick up in medias res with:
Today in Death: SomeBODY died. Spicy chip possibly fatal.2 A whole-ass vampire graveyard was discovered in Poland and scientists are like “let’s dig up the unquiet dead and release them to feast on the blood of the living” because that’s exactly what scientists would do. Meanwhile the Times is like “hmm, these burial practices are so historically intriguing.”
So far, about 100 graves have been uncovered at the site, including one only a few feet from the child’s that harbored the skeleton of a woman with a padlocked toe and an iron sickle over her neck. “The sickle was meant to sever the woman’s head should she attempt to get up,” Dr. Poliński said.
I guess it worked so far. Also today in scientists: “Scientists have grown an entity that closely resembles an early human embryo, without using sperm, eggs or a womb.” Scientists!
Today in Law: In re the matter of Dee’s Nuts v. Deez Nutz. Foggy Dianne “indicated she wasn't aware of ongoing familial lawsuits,” much like all other current events. Former Acting U.S. Solicitor General Neal Katyal had a tough Burning Man, and if you thought defending child slavery was the worst decision he’s ever made, you haven’t seen this picture he posted of himself:
I returned from the wilderness too late to really follow the drama at this year’s Myre Festival but fortunately Garbage Ryan is in the arena. One small correction: Oliver Anthony was not there. Anthony is probably also not appearing on the “Midwestern Marx” podcast? More on this developing story: never. And Cory Doctorow admitted that radical self-reliance doesn’t extend to pumping out the port-a-potties.
Luke Winkie just wants to write stunt blogs. Whom’s’t among us can say otherwise. Is the big 2022 LastPass breach responsible for “a steady trickle of six-figure cryptocurrency heists targeting security-conscious people throughout the tech industry,” wonders Brian Krebs. Innocuous-sounding phrase “all through the plane” masks limitless horror.
Finally: In Hell Gate, Lauren Leffer wonders “Why did a raccoon take up residence on my fire escape, and then begin masturbating?” And if you thought she couldn’t possibly have provided video of the alleged procyonic onanism you would be extremely wrong.
Today’s Song: CAN, “Vitamin C”
Hello again, I hope you had a nice August and I hope you missed me. If this is your first-ever Tabs, welcome and lol. I can’t really explain any of this, it’s just what I do. Give it a couple weeks, it’ll start to make sense when the subliminals rewire your nervous system. If you were waiting till Season Nine to become a paid subscriber, here’s the button:
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