Today in Tabs

Share this post
Re-litigating the War of the Roses
www.todayintabs.com

Re-litigating the War of the Roses

Black Pudding, Botox, and Balls

Linda Yu
Sep 14, 2021
12
Share this post
Re-litigating the War of the Roses
www.todayintabs.com

As Jeff Goldblum famously said: “Life… finds a way [to interfere with your newslettering schedule].” So thanks to former Intern and current Senior International Pudding Combat Correspondent Linda Yu for stepping in to guest-tab at short notice. I’ll be back tomorrow. —Rusty


Nature is healing and by that I mean the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships in Ramsbottom are back on. For £1, competitors can attempt to "dislodge giant Yorkshire puddings from a 20ft high plinth by throwing black puddings" and legend has it that the tradition started as an homage to the War of the Roses, when supposedly both sides ran out of ammunition and devolved into a food fight instead.

In another example of remembrance, Sejal Sukhadwala went searching for a vanished London Indian restaurant that promised "Authentic Indian atmosphere. Leaky roof. Threadbare carpet, and menu stuck together with sellotape." On a similar culinary path, I got to wondering about the history of the greatest Indian-Chinese food item—the Gobi Manchurian—and it turns out its inventor, Nelson Wang, is still around and a bit of an institution in Mumbai. Like every other Asian he has since grumpily emigrated to Vancouver, but in 2008 when Jennifer 8. Lee made the trip to his flagship, she received a separate Chinese people menu.

Twitter avatar for @Russia_NC
No Context Russia @Russia_NC
Image
Image
Image
1:50 PM ∙ Sep 11, 2021
5,805Likes542Retweets

Zombie Gawker has an essay from compulsive fake Dear Prudence letter writer and frEmily Bennett Madison, who revealed that Slate has published fifteen of his fabrications, including one about pandemic-masked fornication that fooled Tucker Carlson. It’s not much of an accomplishment, but we all do the best we can. Apparently Madison thought Daniel Lavery had become too much of a scold, primarily concerned with "the neurotic milieu of the Brooklyn middle class," and while there may have been a certain degree of something in that era of Prudence, it doesn’t really erase the irony of moralistically scolding someone for being a moralistic scold.

Twitter avatar for @Arr
legitimate horse worm sufferer @Arr
Dear Prudence has been getting more and more intense lately
Image
12:42 AM ∙ Sep 7, 2017
2,144Likes643Retweets

Yesterday was also Anna Wintour’s ugly clothes party, the Met Gala, which was mostly a showcase of people who walked away from the Biden inauguration with a modelling contract. Here was Amanda Gorman co-chairing the event, there was Manic Pixie Second Daughter Ella Emhoff rolling up to the carpet and the breathless bosom of the NYT in Stella McCartney, and AOC arrived with "Tax the Rich" appliquéd to her back. I'm the sort of dribbling idiot who has an opinion on every member of the Antwerp Six, and yet scrolling the prices on the Brother Vellies webshop made something in my sternum crack. I'll save you a click, the looks this year were bad without exception and somehow made more repulsive by the recent celebrity PR playbook of acting like they are united with the rest of us in some universal struggle.

Twitter avatar for @9BillionTigers
Leah Tigers @9BillionTigers
One thing I can say decisively about David Wojnarowicz is he would never have taken issue with something so gauche as "text on clothing" or "lack of subtlety." He would have taken issue with the Met Gala!
Image
Image
3:53 AM ∙ Sep 14, 2021
1,288Likes146Retweets

It's Recall Tuesday in my home state of California and Gavin Newsom is confident, but then so was Gray Davis. The actual question is definitely "why is it like this" since both recall and replacement are insanely decided on one ballot.

Twitter avatar for @NoLieWithBTC
No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen @NoLieWithBTC
BREAKING: California recall candidate Larry Elder has launched an "anti-voter fraud" website that accidentally already says that Gavin Newsom won the recall election. The election is tomorrow.
Image
3:09 AM ∙ Sep 14, 2021
7,956Likes2,266Retweets

I submitted my overseas ballot at the last minute and via an online faxing service (if only Aretha were here to see it) and it probably comes as no surprise that I went for "no," but ended up tipping my secondary vote to Dennis Richter who appealed to my inner teamster and has no chance in hell. Not to say the alternatives were particularly inspiring: there was a Wall Street veteran cannabis consultant, someone whose statement was simply "Can you dig it?", a self-described Incorruptible-Independent-Bernie-Democrat, a billboard queen, a man who mostly seemed to be promoting his IMDB, a former KUWTK side character, a guy who commanded us to "Search YouTube"—does it make me an uninformed voter if I did not?—and a new college graduate whose statement read like a line from a cover letter.

Speaking of cover letters, I'm deep in the trenches of job applications and every time I apply to one I feel like a Bush-era spin doctor: "Why yes, my passion in life is [desk job with annual salary]." I'm currently wondering if I should be like Lulu Pencil and make the lateral move from freelance journalist to professional wrestler whose gimmick is being a freelance journalist turned professional wrestler. Is filing invoices any less painful than being put into a submission hold by crop top wearing British giraffe Chris Brookes?

Twitter avatar for @OBEYBrookes
Chris Brookes クリス・ブルックス @OBEYBrookes
living in the strangest timeline
Image
Twitter avatar for @OfficialPWI
PWI (Pro Wrestling Illustrated) @OfficialPWI
Who wore it better? Download the OFFICIAL #PWI500 alternate cover for free at our website: https://t.co/pIEalIkaDX https://t.co/sunyVR0Dcl
11:17 PM ∙ Sep 10, 2021
441Likes52Retweets

Also in pro wrestling: there's been a bit of a ratings war of the roses going on in the industry as after years of total WWE monopoly, some independent wrestlers started a rival promotion that has picked up some traction. It could almost put a tear in one's eye until one remembers that the little startup that could is financially backed by yet another billionaire—the richest person of Pakistani origin in fact—who also owns the Jags and Fulham FC. It really does feel like sticking it to Marvel by being into DC, although I will confess I did cry more than little when my favourite luchadores recently won the tag titles.

Twitter avatar for @dhm
Dan McQuade @dhm
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin has stunned 46 percent of the people in this photo, including the president.
Image
1:36 PM ∙ Feb 15, 2017
45,507Likes42,850Retweets

Not to say that Vince MacMahon is going anywhere, WWE just signed a streaming deal with Peacock that also led to a memory-holing of some no-no moments from the company's past. Like wrestling, the continued success of billionaires isn't fake... it's just predetermined.

A Reddit post reading “Some kid in the street once asked me what were the basic math symbols, so I made this little table just to answer him” with a graphic that looks like the national flag of Georgia but the four quadrant symbols are plus, minus, times and divide.

Two other things of note: 

  • Turns out one in six Botox recipients has bad side effects, which makes me wonder about all the times I've been told that "preventative botox" would be a good shout. I'd also like to also add that despite claims that the procedure is "natural and reversible" on a three month timescale, lip injections stay in your face for at least two years.

  • Another day, another Tumblr-death-throes-related YA novel drama but this one somehow involves Iranian Cartman.

And now, a narrative in four tweets:

Twitter avatar for @NICKIMINAJ
Nicki Minaj @NICKIMINAJ
My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied
9:44 PM ∙ Sep 13, 2021
114,670Likes20,241Retweets
Twitter avatar for @crissles
king crissle @crissles
@NICKIMINAJ your cousin's friend prolly just picked up an STD but please keep going 💀
9:49 PM ∙ Sep 13, 2021
209,028Likes8,040Retweets
Twitter avatar for @shockproofbeats
The Author, Séamas O'Reilly, retweeting praise @shockproofbeats
everything happens so much
Image
10:51 PM ∙ Sep 13, 2021
3,720Likes386Retweets
Twitter avatar for @atrupar
Aaron Rupar @atrupar
Here's Tucker Carlson reading Nicki Minaj's "testicles became swollen" tweet out loud
1:04 AM ∙ Sep 14, 2021
4,548Likes973Retweets

I did not expect Tucker Carlson to be the most mentioned person in this guest Tabs.

Today’s Song: AC/DC, “Big Balls”

~ and he’s got big tabs, and she’s got big tabs ~

Thanks Linda! This is too long already! See you all tomorrow.

Share this post
Re-litigating the War of the Roses
www.todayintabs.com
TopNewCommunity

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2023 Rusty Foster
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing