Tuckered Out

Licht soured on Lemon.

It’s anchors away in the #newsbiz, with the abrupt departure of Puzzled Hound Dog Tucker Carlson from his eponymous Squinting Hour followed by the even abrupter departure of Don Lemon from CNN, which left media observers with one overwhelming question: what app is this screenshot from?

Don Lemon’s “I got fired” tweet, delivering the news in a screenshot of a bizarre purple Arial font.

Chris Licht said “you will forever be part of the family, Fredo” while CNN PR was busy implying that Lemon was a whiny piss baby who would rather complain via iOS mail app quote text (I guess???) than get fired in person. Honestly, who among us. Michael M. Grynbaum, John Koblin and Benjamin Mullin report that “CNN’s bookers had discovered that some guests did not want to appear on-air with Mr. Lemon,” and this morning Chris Licht discovered that he could fire Lemon without the news trending on Twitter, and if there’s one thing Licht knows, it’s the secret to comedy.1 

Tucker Carlson, legally not a journalist, has spent 14 years at Fox News steadily growing his platform via sarcastic simulated giggling and white supremacist “great replacement” theory, but according to Jeremy Barr and Sarah Ellison:

…it was Carlson’s comments about Fox management, as revealed in the Dominion case, that played a role in his departure from Fox, a person familiar with the company’s thinking told The Post.

Carlson’s future plans are not yet certain, but for now he intends to continue irradiating his testicles and spend more time jacking off to the green M&M.

Tweet by @JUNlPER that reads “i’ll never forget his strong reporting” above a screenshot of Tucker with an OTS image of a smooth-topped Snickers bar and the chyron “CANCEL CULTURE: SNICKERS REMOVING BELOVED ‘DICK VEIN’” which, before you tell me, I’m pretty sure was a hoax.

Bloomberg reports that “Tucker Carlson’s Fox News Exit Wipes Out $590 Million in Value,” but the stock went from a morning high of about $33.77 to a low of $31.86 so I suspect the company will survive. Carlson has now been fired by four major news networks—CNN, MSNBC, PBS and Fox, which is the EGOT of sucking. Max Tani reports that Carlson’s producer Justin Wells is also gone, and mentions the impending Abby Grossbergvile sexist stereotypes” lawsuit against Fox News, quoting “Grossberg’s lawyer Parisis G. Filippatos… in a statement to Semafor”:

…he had “no comment on those reports other than to say that timing is a matter of physics, and as such is undeniable.”

[Giant bong rip] Hey man… yeah.

Meanwhile our least essential media reporter Brian Stelter would like to remind everyone that he also got fired by CNN, but that he “was offered a final episode, a chance to sign off on [his] own terms,” which I’m sure his viewer appreciated. And because good news comes in threes, Pop Base reports that James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke is also dead. Regrettably, it appears that Corden himself remains employed. UPDATE: I’m informed that Corden’s whole show is ending! What a great day.

Tweet by @TallBart: screenshot of Tucker with OTS graphic “IT’S OVER” and chyron “IT’S NEVER BEEN MORE OVER THAN IT IS NOW.”

Thank god for all this mess, because what else was even happening in the tabs today? NYMag’s 100 years of Chloë Sevigny retrospective? Elon spent the weekend doing stupid shit, but we’ve all watched the obligation to write about Elon Musk every day reduce poor Garbage Ryan to a quivering husk of the virile and robust ska fan he once was. I’m not about to follow him down that hole.

Tweet by Kaitlan Collins: “‘I'm not a candidate, so we'll see if and when that changes,’ Gov. DeSantis, who is in Japan right now, says when asked about polls that show him falling behind Trump.” with an embedded video of DeSantis actually saying that and believe me, you should watch it. You know I wouldn’t tell you to do that without a very good reason, right?

Speaking of whom, YouTuber Legal Eagle had a great video explanation of how Disney “enlisted a real-life American princess to protect the fake Magic Kingdom in a real-life battle to protect the First Amendment“ against Meatball Ron, and while it may not be the worst thing he’s ever done, making me root for the Walt Disney Corporation certainly is a very personal reason to detest ol’ Pudding Fingers.

Additionally: Sad nipple syndromeCattle mutilations are back, MulderParis Marx says Silicon Valley has always been full of eugenicists ✪ “What Would David Foster Wallace Have Thought About Pickleball?” ✪ Not just Buzzfeed: only 8% of SPACs are trading above their initial price.

Toot by JSR: “Teenage Me: ‘So, in the 2020s is the world a corporate dystopia with cool looking motorcycles and everyone is constantly connected to a global information network?’ Time Travelling Me: [Dragging hands down own face] ‘I mean ... yeah. Sure. But it's so much fucking stupider than you're imagining it to be.’“

And Finally: It’s a couple weeks old now but I liked this Sam Kriss post about the impending collapse of nerd culture.

The nerd doesn’t like bad things because of their actual qualities; the nerd likes bad things simply because they’re there. What counts is collecting, itemising, consuming. This is why it’s almost impossible to be a nerd about anything worthwhile or good… Nerdery is when you slurp happily from the toilet, and come up grinning and ask for more.

Today’s Song: Holly Herndon, “Frontier”

I just started watching the new season of Yellowjackets and I feel like this song should be on the soundtrack. Thanks Intern Sam. Friday’s books thread was a real humdinger, subscribe to join in. Tomorrow: It Tuesday.


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