The Today in Tabs Struggle Index

Girl I can't feel my face.

šŸŸ¢ General Dynamics: The worldā€™s fifth largest weapons manufacturer looks to gain fresh cultural cachet as ā€œpresenting sponsorā€ of this Fallā€™s Kennedy Center opera ā€œGrounded,ā€ reports Connor Echols in a Responsible Statecraft post which I double checked enough to be pretty sure itā€™s not a joke. ā€œGroundedā€ explores the challenges faced by one former ā€œhot shot F-16 fighter pilotā€ to balance her life as a new mother with her work killing Afghan civilians by drone.

šŸ”» Ali Alexander: The ā€œStop the Stealā€ organizer and Trumpworld degenerate got dimed out by fellow MAGA perv Milo Yiannopoulos for trying to get ā€œjack-off materialā€ from a fifteen year old Future Fascist of America. Literally everyone involved in this story is the worst, including the victim who ā€œhas since become a relatively high-profile member of [Nick] Fuentesā€™s racist ā€œAmerica Firstā€ movement, going by the name ā€˜Smiley,ā€™ā€ reports The Daily Beastā€™s Will Sommer.

šŸ”» David Choe: Delia may have ā€œstarted watching Beef, the new top Netflix show, last week with zero context aside from an Asianly duty To Support,ā€ but context has caught up with the showā€™s featured graffiti artist and edgelord David Choe who is now using DMCA takedown notices to try to limit the spread of ā€œa podcast from 2014 in which he seems to explicitly describe sexually assaulting a massage therapist.ā€ TW on all of this, itā€™s pretty repellent.

šŸŸ¢ Eliud Kipchoge: My dude ran the Berlin Marathon last year in 2 hours 1 minute 9 seconds.1 Do you have any idea how fast that is? Scott Cacciola put it this way:

Well, you could head to your neighborhood track and try to run a 400-meter loop, which is roughly equivalent to a quarter-mile, in about 69 seconds ā€” and run an additional 104 laps at that pace. Or you could attempt to run a 4:37 mile, then do another 25 of them.

A 4:37 mile pace is so fast that most people attempting to run it at all, even for a moment on a treadmill, simply fall down and get spit out the back, including Olympic distance runner Mo Farah.

Tweet by @skatie420: ā€œ[to the tune of Creep] iā€™m a guy i am normalā€

šŸŸ¢ Millennials: Theyā€™re actually doing just fine and should probably stop complaining so much, according to Gen Xer and ā€œscholar of generationsā€ Jean M. Twenge in an excerpt of her new book for The Atlantic. Thereā€™s a sentence with enough red flags to safely land a CH-47.

šŸ”» Dianne Feinstein: The sundowning California Senator may or may not be aware that by preventing Senate Democrats from confirming any judges she is currently torching her legacy as a pioneering woman in government in exactly the same way that Ruth Bader Ginsburg did. Marisa Kabas writes:

As more and more Democrats call for the 89-year-oldā€™s resignation, her defenders have spoken up. Rep. Nancy Pelosi, the California Democrat whoā€™s the former Speaker of the House, says sexism may be the real culprit. Pelosiā€™s statement doesnā€™t acknowledge the fact that Feinsteinā€™s absence is blocking what could be crucial wins for feminism.

It seems like if DiFi (or whoever is writing her statements) opts not to resign, thereā€™s simply nothing anyone can do about it, and Dems donā€™t get to appoint any more judges. Will that be good for women? Who can say.

Not notšŸ”», but also šŸŸ¢ maybe? Frank Ocean: The beloved but frustrating crooner and Chipotle refusenik played his first live show in more than six years at Coachella Sunday, kind of. He started an hour late after melting his set, allegedly hurting his ankle, and cancelling the live stream. Variety described the performance as ā€œmessy, loose, and a near-disaster that will likely go down as one of the most divisive in Coachella history,ā€ although Ocean did confirm there isnā€™t not a new album (but not yet). For all that mess, his opener ā€œNovacaneā€ rips, as does ā€œWhite Ferrari.ā€

šŸŸ¢ but on second thought maybe a littlešŸ”» Willy Staley: Opens his readable and interesting NY Times Magazine feature ā€œWhat Was Twitter, Anyway?ā€ with an amusing anecdote about the time he accidentally did a sexism online and everyone got mad, but then goes another eight thousand words without quoting a single woman except Maureen Dowd once, secondhand. Itā€™s a good story but I canā€™t help but wonder if it could have been better.

šŸŸ¢ The Soviet Space Program: From ā€œThe Painting: A Weird Space Storyā€ by Kelly and Zach Weinersmith, an illustrated anecdote about reading cosmonaut Valentin Lebedevā€™s diary of 211 days aboard the Salyut-7 space station:

Comic panel that reads: ā€œā€¦UNTIL NOVEMBER 28TH, HIS 200TH DAY IN SPACE, WHEN YOU READ THE WEIRDEST PARAGRAPH EVER PRINTED IN ANY SPACE MEMOIR: By the way, we have a very nice picture hanging on the wall of our station.It was painted by the fellows who built the station. I feel it reflects our life on board perfectly. It shows a lonesome cowboy tied to a cross, with a gun mounted above, toward him. There is a string tied from the trigger of the gun to an unmentionable spot. In front of the cowboy sways a beautiful naked woman, torturing him with a teasing look. In the background stands the cowboy's stallion with sympathetic tears dripping from his eyes, because he understands his master's dilemma. In some ways I think we live the same way on the station, unable to indulge.ā€

šŸŸ¢ Just Stop Oil: Did a protest at the World Snooker Championship. Absolutely hilarious.

Tweet by Peter Mitchell: ā€œtomorrow's Telegraph a riot of quivering jowls and Spiked weirdoes going "the last liberty of the freeborn Englishman is to have a bit of a watch of the snooker on telly, however the woke zealots of the Thunberg-SS will stop at nothing to destroy our precious billiards", etc etcā€

šŸŸ¢ Food Disgust: Thanks to Butt Praxis this food disgust test is going around. Iā€™m a sick little freak who will eat anything.

šŸ”» Andi Owen: Video leaked of the office furniture company CEO telling her staff to ā€œleave pity cityā€ and stop thinking about little things like whether theyā€™re going to get paid for their work, and focus instead on what matters: the $26 million she needs them to earn for her. Then she got up and did a little dance to REMā€™s ā€œLosing My Religion.ā€ 

Todayā€™s Classic Tabā„¢: This is from 2017 but Tabs was on a brief five year hiatus at the time so itā€™s new to me. Alissa Nuttingā€™s Grub Street diet is the most advanced case of Hot Girl Eating I have ever seen:

If Iā€™m really bored, sometimes my brain does this thing where it tries to trick itself into feeling high by having me eat things that people would normally only eat when theyā€™re high. I make several Jackā€™s frozen pepperoni pizzas and cut up thin slices, so I can try a lot of weird toppings. It brings me pleasure to place circular things atop the pieces of pepperoni, so on one I do dill-hamburger chips (sour), and another I top with unscrewed Oreo cookies (sweet). Then I do crumbled Doritos on one, and Goldfish crackers and sriracha hot sauce on another (savory).

Todayā€™s Song: The Used, ā€œPeople Are Vomitā€

šŸŸ¢ SotD Intern Sam Gavin.

This was gonna be a little format gag for the first couple items but then it just kept going. If you want me to keep going, please become a paid subscriber. If youā€™re already a paid subscriber, please share Tabs with friends, enemies, and strangers. If you already share Tabs with everyone, just go enjoy your life I guess? Youā€™ve done enough! Thanks!

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