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The Tabs Are Their Money
Hello fellow humans, let's attend the festive human gathering.
Over the weekend we learned that Matt Gaetz has always been a creep surrounded by people who knew he was a creep and didn’t feel like they needed to do anything about it. CNN reported Gaetz showed nude pictures to other lawmakers on the floor of Congress. I think we’d all love to know which lawmakers, exactly. The Washington Post reported that he “boasted of his ‘access to women,’” a thing real human males often boast of. “Hey bro, I went to a
festive human gathering last night,” they say using their faces. “You wouldn’t believe the
access to women. It was
unusually heightened.” Florida State Rep. Anna Eskamani posted a creepy voicemail from Gaetz and crime-pal Joel Greenberg that sounds like it was left by a coke spoon that came to life feeling horny. The New York Times reported that these two criminal masterminds paid for sex with Apple Pay and the Cash app. Gaetz also has a history of blocking anti-revenge-porn legislation in Florida, which combined with his lonely vote in favor of human trafficking makes me think this would be a great time for some enterprising reporter to take a spin through the rest of his voting history to see what else he’s on the record in favor of. And according to Insider, when he was in the Florida House Gaetz and other Florida politicians played a “Harry Potter themed sex game.” We can only hope someone in Congress is preparing a resolution of Expelliarmus.
Crypto companies raised more money last quarter than they did in all of 2020, but not even the NFT of Bret Easton Ellis’s landmark 2012 tweet “Come over at do bring coke now” can raise the NFT market out of its slump, according to my future employer Bloomberg. This dumb robot is keeping the scam alive though.
Also keeping the scam alive: People using Github actions to mine cryptocurrency. This giant Facebook leak of over 500 million user records, including Mark Zuckerberg (uid 4) and Millennial-in-Chief Transportation Secretary Mayor Pete (uid 287). Is your phone number in it? Find out here. And not technically alive but here’s the IRL Breaking Bad story of a Detroit phone answering service CEO who was secretly financing a global drug cartel.
It’s the first day of the new era of the legendary Today in Tabs Intern Program! There will be some nice graphics here in the future but I am shamefully ill-prepared today, so I’ll just tell you our new intern is brought to you by A Mysterious Anonymous Sponsor who simply wished to help, and also:
YES PLZ COFFEE: Some days you make the coffee. Some days the coffee makes you. Let the coffee nerds at Yes Plz send a bag of the best fresh roasted beans to your mailbox. Tabs readers can try it today and take $5 off with promo code TABSPLZ.
I couldn’t be happier to let April Intern Pernell Quilon introduce himself.
Is This Our Meet-Cute?
I was on a Zoom call last night with a friend who just received his first dose of the Pfizer shot. He said he couldn’t wait to update his Grindr bio with the coveted phrase “fully vaccinated.” When did modern dating start to parallel adopting a dog from the animal shelter?
And why do I think that’s so hot?
As movie theaters and hook-up apps are opening back up, I’m starting to accept that I need to put myself back out there. I also want to. And I’d like to do that while working with this newsletter.
My name is Pernell and I’m a writer, producer, and proud faggot — yes, I can say that. I’m also a cartoonist! I was born in Edinburg, Texas along the southern Mexico-United States border. I grew up Filipino and closeted in a mostly Mexican and repressed (Catholic) suburbia, so the urge to know what’s going on in the heterosexual world around me has been well-developed.
I previously worked behind-the-scenes in reality TV, co-developing and casting original unscripted series with Snapchat’s Vertical Networks, Scout Productions (“Queer Eye”), and MTV. Meeting and broadcasting outrageous personalities and stories was a damn treat. I also wrote with Brother, a digital millennial lifestyle brand with over 20 million Snapchat subscribers, and am a contributing author to their HarperCollins-published book How To Not Be A Dick. I penned groundbreaking essays like “Is Everybody Having Anal Without Me?” and “5 Ways to Have Better Gay Sex”. My parents are, like, super proud.
I am also fully vaccinated.
Intern Pernell has promised many more doodles, so we can all look forward to that.
Today in Music or Animals: An AI wrote a new Nirvana song. This octopus is octopissed. “Mr. Brightside” has been on the UK charts for over 5 years. Scientists found a “walk on your hands gene” in these absurd inverted bunnies. “Christian Lee Hutson Covered The “Bones Are Their Money” Song From I Think You Should Leave” along with Awards For Good Boys creator Shelby Lorman. “Could humans ever be venomous?” asks LiveScience contributor Stephanie Pappas who hopes to one day meet a human. Spotify playlist “Songs That Never Fail To Make White People Beyond Turnt” absolutely delivers. No Justice, No Peeps!
Today’s Song: “The Day Robert Palins Murdered Me” covered by Christian Lee Hutson (feat. Whitmer Thomas & Shelby Lorman)
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Today in Tabs is vibing on some extremely #blessed unbeatable techno-GORP today in our limited-edition Blackbird Spyplane t shirt. If the bones are your money, please send some bones my way via subscription. I promise I’ll be better prepared tomorrow.