The Posters Are Tired

I didn’t consent to this knowledge and I don’t wish to have it.

“Banana!” cried Instagram head and Minion Adam Mosseri, hitting a cartoonishly oversized red button to launch the company’s dogshit new Twitter clone Threads, named after the company’s previous dogshit Snapchat clone Threads, which shut down in 2021. The new Threads is a place for influencers and brands to kiss. “You cannot post nips on Threads,” reports Senior Nips Correspondent Taylor Lorenz. What is it like to use? I would rather swallow glass than download a Facebook app so I can only provide the screenshots that have been brought back by those braver than me. From Pixelatedboat:

I refuse to transcribe any of this. It’s just a screenshot of the worst influencer posting you’ve ever seen.
Just indescribably awful posting.
Zuck kissing the ass of MMA fighter and domestic abuser Jon Jones.

One thing that’s up is my gorge. To celebrate, or something, Mark Zuckerberg tweeted for the first time since 2012:

Mark Zuckerberg tweeted a straight up vanilla Spider Man Pointing meme. Every social media exec has a skull just packed solid with hookworms.

Fake Twitter CEO Linda Yaccarino gabbled some GPT quality LinkedIn-brained nonsense from her perch on the glass cliff. It may have been related to all of this but possibly her algorithm just required a content extrusion today. No one knows for sure. In Slate Alex Kirshner says Threads is “a garbage hose” but speculates that it might succeed anyway because people love a hot stream of garbage to the face as long as it doesn’t take any effort. Do you ever find it hard to be optimistic about the long term survival of humanity? Ha ha me neither. We’re doing great. Chris Stokel-Walker pleads that “it’s time for new Twitter alternatives to stop appearing” because the posters are tired. According to Max Tani, Twitter’s current deranged leadership is threatening to sue Meta for “systematic, willful, and unlawful misappropriation of Twitter’s trade secrets and other intellectual property,” so I guess we’ll see whether “sucking” is a legally protected trade secret. posted: “You, boy, what social media website am I posting from?” with a screenshot of Scrooge yelling out the window.

New York Mayor and alleged resident Eric Adams, who has never done a single normal thing in his life, is in trouble for having city employees print and then artificially age a photograph of Robert Venable to back up Adams’ false assertion that he has carried the police officer’s picture in his wallet for decades. In Adams’ defense, sloppily fabricating evidence is a common way for cops to show affection.

Zoomer discovers that the B-52s were “secretly” a little gay. Ariadne Getty’s judgment creditor believes Yashar Ali somehow makes money from his million Twitter followers. Godspeed, brother. Trump inspired an armed van-dwelling insurrectionist to either try to assassinate Obama or try to make relatable content about wanting to assassinate Obama. Either way the important thing is that we don’t politicize this. “Yes, it’s hot. But this could be one of the coolest summers of the rest of your life.” Thanks, Vox! That’s great news. Einstein is low-key goated when observing time dilation in the early universe is the vibe. Ted Chiang is “not super interested in what Marc Andreessen has to say.” Yo no soy fiesta: Baby Gronk’s dad “has gone too far” in his efforts to rizz up Adult Gronk.

And Finally: “From the late 2000s to the mid-2010s, I worked as a molecular biologist for a national security contractor in a program to study Exo-Biospheric-Organisms (EBO). I will share with you a lot of information on this subject.”

Moira Donegan skeeted: “For like the next six weeks whenever anyone tells you in that self-satisfied way that they’re polyamorous you get to go, ‘Oh, like DeBlasio!’”

Today’s Song: Music Intern Sam pointed out that Tabs fave Petey just put out a brief new instrumental track called “Bags Theme,” and appears to be signed to Capitol Records now, so that’s exciting. While somehow quintessentially Petey, “Bags Theme” is a little thin for a whole Today’s Song so instead let’s do “Big Bad!”

Today in Tabs will be off tomorrow because the posters are tired. I know I was off a lot already this week, end of sentence. Please use the extra free time to delete any Meta Corporation accounts you still have, and then go outside and smooch a tree.

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