The Green Light Represents Tabs

Big news in East Egg, OBL goes viral, and André 3000's colonoscopy bars.

The House Ethics committee has shamefully chosen to persecute our only EGOT-winning Representative, father of two1 George Santos, for the supposed “crime” of simply asking donors for campaign funds.2 Santos, who represents Jay Gatsby’s East Egg district on Long Island where he grew up playing with Tom and Daisy Buchanan’s grandchildren, allegedly spent campaign funds on Sephora, Hermès, and Only Fans. So we beat on… 

Look: is it a crime to have good skin and support sex workers? Obviously if you do it with embezzled money it is, but that’s not the point. Is it a crime to steal from Republican political donors? Also legally yes, but morally? I wonder. Santos has repeatedly admitted to being a liar, claiming to be “flawed like every other human being.” But George, if that is in fact your name, listen to me: you are not flawed like every other human being. You are spectacularly flawed, once-in-a-generation flawed. You’re the Secretary Bird of scammers, and we will all be poorer for having unwillingly donated to you.

Santos told Semafor he will not run for reëlection, and he plans to spend the next eight to twelve years gazing pensively at the green light on the smoke detector in his federal prison cell.

Justin Garrison posted an AI flowchart for “Should I use AI” which resembles a flowchart but is actually AI gibberish. He captioned it “This is the most accurate image AI has ever generated”

André 3000 strongly implied to Zach Baron that he has an unreleased rap about colonoscopy but will release a flute album tomorrow instead. I did read the track list for the album and I feel I’ve already had a valid artistic experience. Say what you will about Joe Biden, but he got the job done vis-a-vis our pandas. Hat owner Bryan “Digital” Goldberg reviewed Ridley Scott’s “Napoleon,” and I looked at all the words in this review twice but I still don’t know what he thought about it, it seems to be coated with an attention-resistant layer of cliché. Goldberg also sold “the Gawker trademarks and domain name but not its article archives” to some music brand from Singapore. Fans eagerly await its first good post. RFK Jr. posted feet. Osama bin Laden went viral on TikTok. Is Willem Dafoe’s son disappointed that dad won’t Willem Dafarmhouse?

Guy Kelly posted “No one ever talks about how an oubliette implies the existence of a larger, and far more terrifying, oobly.”

Intern Kira is back from the oobly where I keep all the Interns between posts to tell us what’s wrong with the big SAG-AFTRA deal.

La Vie en Robots

Last week came the announcement: the longest actors’ strike in Hollywood history is finally over! Rapturous joy! Our favorite shows can begin filming again! Timmée and Zendaya can start promoting Dune: Part Deux! But not everyone is happy about the tentative deal. SAG-AFTRA Board members Shaan Sharma and Anne-Marie Johnson explained to Variety why they voted no: “There should be no AI,” said Johnson. 

Their biggest concerns are the numerous loopholes around “digital replicas” of actors and “synthetic performers.” There are few protections against studios using actors’ performances to create synthetic performers without consent or compensation, and the language of “mandatory consent” in this context raises concerns. “They will only hire people willing to sell their image,” Judd Apatow suggested on Instagram. Though the initial zombie clause was revised somewhat, digital replicas are still allowed after death if an actor previously consented, and if not, the union can consent for them. If that’s morbid, then the AMPTP thinks it’s morbin’ time.

Numerous SAG-AFTRA members have spoken out against the agreement, including Justine Bateman. But SAG-AFTRA president Fran Drescher 'scolded “naysayers” and “contrarians”' critical of the new contract. Who is she, their nanny? 

This might all seem speculative, but Warner Music just announced a new biopic that will use AI to recreate Edith Piaf’s voice and likeness. This is questionable for many ethical reasons, one of which is the fact that an excellent biopic starring award-winning French actress Marion Cotillard already exists!!! What are they gonna do, start giving Oscars to computers? Marion Cotillard hive, we ride at dawn. 

—Kira Deshler is not a robot

I’m ashamed to say I always get Marion Cotillard mixed up with Juliette Binoche, but que sera sera as they say in France.

David Fisman posted: “This gave me the best idea for my funeral” above a series of screenshots captioned “‘Alien’ revealed as cake” with a cake in the shape of that Mexican alien that went around the web recently being cut. It’s pretty good.

Anne Boyer’s powerful anti-war statement is only slightly undermined by its first sentence, “I have resigned as poetry editor of The New York Times Magazine.” Unfortunately the National Book Awards were less contentious than Zibby Media led us to expect. In Vanity Fair Charlotte Klein reported out what happened behind the scenes of Jazmine Hughes’ resignation, and Hamilton Nolan had an interesting take on Hughes’ and Jamie Lauren Keiles’ resignations as a labor issue, although his metaphor comparing the Times contracting with freelancers to a homeowner hiring a plumber only works in a hypothetical world where there are a lot of would-be plumbers but just a couple houses.

Here’s a thought to roll into the weekend with: 

A person who’s either trolling or has a wild big brain tweeted: “Can we talk about the problematic mental age gap between these two and how Taylor might actually be grooming Travis? Travis has multiple head injuries and suffers from CTE leading to the huge mental age gap which make him vulnerable.” That’s the high-proof stuff right there. The real shit.

Today’s Song: is the new André 3000 album “New Blue Sun” which doesn’t come out until tomorrow, so here’s a long NPR piece about it and your mission (if you choose to accept it) is to go listen to it tomorrow. It’s an all-flute instrumental! Hahahaha pumpkin tasty!

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