The Biggest Dome Scandal Since Teapot
Hands on my knees shakin' ass on my GOP shit
Last week, desiccated far-right elf Ben Shapiro’s tradwife influencer sister Abby tweeted a picture of a 63 year old Madonna looking sexy in fishnets next to a picture of Nancy Reagan at 64 looking like the Crypt Keeper dressed up as a gondolier, which is run of the mill pick-me trash for the kind of person who tweets “Find yourself a woman who loves her unborn baby more than anything else.” But in the replies, Zach Heltzel chose violence:
So that’s why “Nancy Reagan” was trending this weekend. If you’re a nasty freak who wants even more on #throatgoatghazi, Garbage Ryan took it a little deeper. 🌈⭐️
Speaking of incredible blowjobs, Time’s Person of the Year is Elon Musk’s fascist haircut, and The New Yorker profiled Alison Roman’s new apartment. Jessica Chastain’s co-op and Aaron Sorkin’s loft have issued strongly worded condemnations.
The Verge’s Adlan Jackson found out “How to Sneak Into a Bored Ape Yacht Club Party” and the answer is: show up late. The chef of terrible Michelin-starred restaurant Bros responded to Geraldine DeRuiter’s review, explaining that his restaurant dares to ask “What is a man on a horse?” The New Yorker’s Clare Malone covered last week’s biggest media story: what happened to BuzzFeed employees in the SPAC, while New York Times’s media columnist Ben Smith… did not. Also in media goss, Amol Sharma and Benjamin Mullin at the WSJ report that “Vox Media is in advanced talks to merge with Group Nine Media Inc.,” in “an all-stock transaction that would give Vox Media 75% ownership of the combined company, with the remaining 25% going to Group Nine Media…” Is it the first step to an eventual SPAC? In this economy? And the new “Sex and the City” premiere killed off Chris Noth using a Peloton, which proved that “the stock market is a joke” and also had Peloton desperately trying to distract everyone from remembering the time its treadmill killed a child in real life.
Queen of vampire fiction Anne Rice passed away on Saturday, a legend ever since the unforgettable opening sentence of her 1976 début novel, “Interview with the Vampire:”
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee.
Woman attacked by raccoon. Man attacked by otters. Canal attacked by boat. Computer security attacked by Java. Birds confirmed real.
Ten Second #Longreads: “Rothko at the Inauguration” by Richard Warnica, in Hazlitt. What do Mark Rothko and the Trump inauguration have in common? Nothing! Read this if you’re interested in the legal wrangling following Rothko’s death or the Knoedler Gallery forgery scandal. Feel free to bail when he starts talking about the Trump inaugural grift, there’s no new info, and no real ending.
Today’s Song: Megan Thee Stallion, “Thot Shit”
~ A life spent making tabs is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing ~
There’s a fair amount of new folks on the ol’ email signups list today. Welcome! This is, uh, pretty much what Tabs is. Stick around and it starts to make more sense. I tweet @fka_tabs and sometimes by accident @TodayinTabs, and I chat on the elite Tabs subscriber discord. 2021, finna graduate college.