Tabcels vs. Take Rotators

All the bad business men, Today in Keebs, and a Chotining for the record books.

Rusty Foster

Feb 8, 2022

Financial Times took a salmon dive into Axel Springer’s attempted Julian Reichelt sexual misconduct cover-up, and it’s well-reported but pretty dry until near the end:

Axel Springer said it had “clear indications” that third parties attempted to oust the editor and harm the company, “including a list of persons named by Julian Reichelt”.
The FT could not establish that any of the women who spoke out against Reichelt had specific political motivations or deliberately gave false testimony. All of them denied that their involvement was orchestrated by “men behind the scenes”.
“The fact these Springer executives see this as a political conspiracy, driven by men, is the whole problem,” said one woman who complained about Reichelt.

But you know who isn’t dry? Certified business freak and now-former Peloton CEO John Foley, who told the New York Times in 2020:

SINK DRINK: Twenty years ago a colleague told me the key to your day is to hydrate at much as you can, so the first thing I do is drink 40 sips of water from my hand at the upstairs bathroom sink. It’s efficient. I drink until I feel like I’m going to throw up water. Every day.

Slurping up all that handwater must have made for a juicy roast when Peloton investor Blackwells Capital torched him in the most savage Powerpoint I’ve ever seen.

Powerpoint slide 24 from Blackwells Capital, titled: “PELOTON’S UNDERPERFORMANCE IS DUE TO MISMANAGEMENT” and absolutely roasting John Foley with bullet points like “Lack of Qualification: CEO John Foley is right to be insecure about his capabilities and qualifications” and “Poor Decision Making: Mr. Foley has made a series of poor decisions relating to product, pricing, demand, safety.”

Powerpoint slide 25, which is even worse. Titled “LACK OF QUALIFICATION: FOLEY ON FOLEY” it includes quotes from Foley himself saying things like “I think I’m not a very good manager” and “I interview almost nobody.” Also his answer to the question “How would your colleagues, your co-founders, describe your strengths as a manager?” is “I’m not sure they’d say I have many strengths at all.” Yikes.

Along with Chief Wet Boy Foley, who will waft peacefully into the “executive chairman” throne, Peloton is also firing 2,800 employees, some of whom only found out when they suddenly lost access to the company Slack according to CNBC’s Lauren Thomas. Don’t worry though, in Insider Ben Gilbert reported that as part of their severance package everyone gets a free year of Peloton, and plenty of free time to use it I guess.

John Field @AmericasComic

JESUS: this is my body *breaks bread* JESUS: and this is my blood *pours wine* JESUS: and this is my braaaaains *puts Peter’s hand in bowl of spaghetti*

Future New Zealand refugee and Dorian Gray sans portrait Peter Thiel will quit the Facebook board in order to devote all of his energy to fascism. And in a Chotining for the record books, Isaac Chotiner sets Vicky Ward’s credibility on fire by asking “Why Didn’t Vanity Fair Break the Jeffrey Epstein Story?”

I asked Ward if she had proof of her claims, and she forwarded me several e-mails between her and Vanity Fair’s editors, and also what she said was her first draft. They directly contradicted what she had told me.

If Isaac Chotiner ever asks to interview you… say no? I mean not me, I have nothing to hide, but all these other people, I just don’t understand it. Anyway Vicky Ward: welcome to Substack. Gawker decided to tell everyone how to get Kyrsten Sinema’s social security number for some reason, along with reporting on her utterly uninteresting 1999 divorce agreement. “First as Hulk Hogan, then as farce,” as they say. And I think she’s right but that doesn’t mean I won’t blame Alison Willmore when “Don’t Look Up” wins best picture.

Tweet by @Foone with a three-handed epic handshake meme labeled “You’ll never get me copper!” The arms are “1920s Gangsters,” “Impoverished Pirates,” and “Ea-nasir.” Google it if necessary, it’s a good joke.

Servicey: “How to transfer playlists from Spotify to Apple Music, Amazon Music, YouTube Music, or Tidal.” Drunk with attention, Neil Young badly overreaches in an attempt to get Boomers to care about “the mass fossil fuel destruction of Earth” or anything else. “Elmo no want to put hand in box.” Today in keebs (this one’s for the discord). Dear Prudie:

My uncle “Bill” adopted me several years ago and we lived together. I have a relationship with him like a father and a son. Bill retired last year and decided to move to a retirement community. He gave me our house as my own, and he gave away a bunch of his other possessions at a big party. In addition to the house, he gave me a really nice ring...

Matthew Gault isn’t to blame but his explainer on Wordcels vs. Shape Rotators will make you dumber. Charlie Wordcel wrote about this meme too but I can’t convince The Atlantic’s adamantium paywall that I’m a subscriber so I’m not sure what he had to say about it. Facebook’s metaverse created a four foot anti-groping cylinder before they managed to create legs. Crypto attempts to invent regulation. And Rebecca Jennings wrote about “money as a hobby,” connecting crypto, sports betting, and retail stock trading together as the one thing they all are, which is gambling.

miles @TheSuperiorPink

this can’t be the future dippin dots was the ice cream of

Finally: If you want a picture of the future, imagine Instacart delivering to a GoPuff warehouse—forever.

Today’s Song: Fugazi, “Waiting Room” (this 1988 live version is incredible too)

~ I don't want the news, I cannot use it ~

Today’s tabs were brought to you by punk music and too much coffee. I call this bullshit you know, I still cannot believe it. Subscribe to join the discord, where every channel is for keebs, despite my objections.