April of the Pigs

“Word up!” It is I, the Gray Lady, with a “shoutout” to all my pay pigs. Yes, the New York Times tackled findom this weekend, and I have a lot of jokes about it but you don’t deserve them, do you, scum? My cash app is $TodayinTabs piggy, but I’ll tell you right now: you’ll get nothing for it. In Rolling Stone, E.J. Dickson investigates a social media trend that started as a trickle but soon became a flood: “Why Are Women on TikTok Asking to Get Peed On?” Despite the ongoing vaxspringa boom in horny content, Mel Magazine continues to search for funding. Pray 4 Miles.

Speaking of the vax, Toronto Star contributor Marsha Barber got the cursed AstraZenica shot but still envies her Pfizer Pfriends and the Moderna Mob. Diagnosis: acute metastastic capitalism. Also her blood is haunted.

Today in Takes:

📡 Yang Watch: This weekend New York’s next mayor solidified his lead by taking a bold stance against the Tamale Lady. “Wow that’s just what NYC wants in a mayor, a huge ass nerd cop narc picking on people below the poverty line,” replied K. Thor Jensen describing exactly what, historically, NYC wants in a mayor. Showing his range, Yang then pivoted to celebrating National Pets Day with a tweet about the dog he gave away. “He still remembers Daddy,” Yang captioned an adorable video of him absolutely ignoring the dog. Today he got “emotional” about it. It’s a bold strategy, let’s see if it pays off for him.

This cat does not exist. The news of a monkey playing Pong with its brain is perfectly balanced between ridiculous and amazing. I identify so much with the macaque trying to do what the computer wants to get more banana smoothie. Pizza Rat: The Full Story. Kyle Wilson on Disney’s 2000 “Gepetto” musical: “a Joker origin story for Pinocchio.” Leave Major Biden alone!

“Leave Britney alone!” the NFT, currently over $21,000 in the bidding, will apparently soon join the $425,000 “Overly Attached Girlfriend” in the monetized memes hall of fame.

New York Times Substack correspondent Ben Smith scooped Charlie Warzel on his own newsletter launch, so welcome rather suddenly to Galaxy Brain. Smith also reported that several other newsletter folks who definitely don’t have my phone number are launching a collective Discord called Sidechannel. As always, everyone is very satisfied with how Substack is running its business and communicating with its writers and the public, no changes necessary!

Intern Pernell Quilon, take us to:

Coffee? In my mailbox? It’s more likely than you think. Get fresh beans from the coffee experts delivered for that special morning time.

thank u, X

Legendary rapper DMX passed away on Friday and collaborators, celebrities, and fans mourned his loss in tributes ranging from incredibly heartwarming to… let’s say misguided. While the diverse support shows the impact of X’s prolific career, it also reöpens the chance to look at how we treat people that live with drug addiction.

We don’t have to wait until someone’s dead to treat them with empathy. Addictions don’t define lives, and DMX made that very clear in one of his final interviews. Instead of focusing on his open battle with addiction, we can celebrate his life through iconic quotes and in AirPods, as we blast his music to pump ourselves up for a workout, the club, and the often cold world that we live in. 

X, you’re going down in history.

Thanks Pernell! Depressing, but well observed.

Tabs pal Liz Lopatto rounded up some of the best “wisdom of the crowd” for The Verge, if you can’t get enough Yahoo! Answers. But for today, a breakfast time theological conundrum:

Mmm, sacrelicious!

Today’s Song: Nine Inch Nails, “March of the Pigs”

~ the tabs have won tonight ~

You can all sleep soundly, and everything is all right.