Spooky Lofi Tabs To Get Chills To

Lies? Of course not, it's just a "storytelling newsletter."

It’s the ween before the year’s best known ween: Halloween, which used to be just one night of spooky fun until someone said “what if we made the whole year out of anxiety?” So now Halloween is the night we all pretend to be afraid of fictional monsters with lower body counts than the real monsters that we know will ultimately get us, like assault weapons, climate change, and fascism. So pull up “spooky lofi beats to get chills to” and get ready to 👻 dEnY yOuR MoRtAliTy 👻 for the next twenty four hours or so. 🎃

Speaking of denial, Hasan Minhaj finally responded to Clare Malone’s September New Yorker article casting doubt on the truthfulness of some of his comedic bits with a twenty one minute desk piece for YouTube that has the vibe of a boyfriend explaining that he didn’t really cheat on you, in fact it’s actually kind of your own fault for believing the stuff that he said. Minhaj suggest that we should bring different expectations to his “work as a storytelling comedian,” where we watch him on Netflix while he stands on a stage in front of an audience telling jokes about racism, versus his “work as a political comedian,” where, in sharp contrast, we watch him on Netflix while he stands on stage in front of an audience telling jokes about racism.

Whatever Hasan Minhaj did is a million times tamer than Buffy Sainte-Marie’s sixty-plus year career living as “an Indigenous icon” and a Saskatchewan Cree despite being born Beverly Jean Santamaria to white parents in Stoneham, MA. And if you don’t like Clare Malone’s reporting, it’s still more responsible than Molly Hennessy-Fiske’s elderly-racists-at-the-diner Washington Post piece about Christian Nationalist Mike Johnson’s election to Speaker where the lead elderly diner denizen is literally Mike Johnson’s mom. The Scoop: Mike Johnson’s mom likes Mike Johnson. Democracy dies in darkness. Incredibly, Mike Johnson also has the Republican Congressional caucus’s second known “unofficially adopted Black son,” joining Matt Gaetz and his informal Cuban ward Nestor in what I can’t believe is now an established category of Republican familial relationship.

ceejoyner skeeted: “$3.75 in coins flew out of my pocket in an e scooter crash and now the bus stop teens are calling me sonic the hedgehog”

El Problema Es El Capitalismo: 12ft.io is dead, all hail 1ft.io. YouTube is getting more aggressive about defeating ad-blockers, but the cat and mouse game continues. If you use uBlock Origin and you’re suddenly seeing the YouTube ad-blocker warning a lot lately, the uBlock team posted how to fix it. And national treasure John Herrman had a think about Amazon’s new AI product image generator:

Once more, regarding probably the main question that real-world product shots can help answer: How large is this appliance? On the top left, staged in a pizza-oven crematorium, the device sits next to a bowl of the statistical average of all slow-cooked meals, a few inches (or feet?) away from a rare leafy bell pepper, in front of some towering greens in a utensil holder, and looks like a miniature; on the bottom right, in the middle of a butcher block, it looks fairly large, except for some confoundingly scaled [robot voice] STARCH and MEAT on the plate.

Tess: “Apparently mathematicians think I should use the term ‘large positive integers’ and not ‘big naturals’”

The _________ of Sam Bankman-Fried: Beautiful mind. Tragically millennial vocabulary. Two obvious lies.

Etc.: Skin shawl. Sad servers. Smoak show. Reading the Veil. Trump is worried about hummus while Biden is turning a big dial taht says "Islamophobia" on it and constantly looking back at the audience for approval like a contestant on the price is right. Liz Spiers says Andreessenhas the pathos of the Unabomber manifesto but lacks the ideological coherency.” (Also apparently New York Times style is “manifestoes.”) Twitter’s value is down to $19 billion. Is that good? Either way X is clearly on track to take over your entire financial life by 2024, right around the same time we all head to Mars.

David Byron Queen posted: “finally reading House of Leaves” with a picture of a Domino’s pizza box that is covered with nonlinear text boxes and arrows under the general heading of “What Makes a Great Pizza?”

Today’s Song: Carly Rae Jepsen, “Anything To Be With You“

Thanks to Music Intern Sam for flagrantly pandering to the CRJ stans today. The best way to deny your mortality is to pre-pay $35 for a year of Tabs. You’ll definitely make it! Today in Tabs may be off tomorrow, or it may be a guest post. I don’t know yet! Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone.

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