Every Beach Makes You Old

Beachcombing ourselves to death. Plus: an important Henry Hoover #longread

Sitting on a beach is time travel at the speed of time. Like Guildenstern said: “you can’t not-be on a boat,” and you can’t not be getting older on the beach. That’s just how time works. The normal speed is one hour older per hour of beach time, but M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie “Old” dares to ask: what if… faster? What if there were a beach where one hour of sitting around in the hot gritty waiting room between land and ocean didn’t just feel like two years, but actually aged you two years? That’s pretty much it: there’s a beach and it makes you old.

At least it’s a (relatively) new idea, and not something truly cynical like a retread Exorcist trilogy for $400 million as a play to get people to sign up for Peacock now that everyone’s realized you can’t actually watch the Olympics on it. Harron Walker came up with 14 places that are much scarier than a beach that makes you old, and a lot of people took a shot at tweeting their Old Beach joke, but Rebecca Alter did the only one you need:

J-Lo turned 52 and Ben Affleck touched her bum, just like that other time. They’ve both obviously been spending a lot of time on the beach that makes you younger (“being rich”). It’s so nice that they get a Second Chance At Love though! Other things that will make you feel old are long Covid, remembering Google Reader, and watching Olympic surfing and skateboarding. But this “shimmering rock” will really blow your mind.

Emotionally, the Tokyo Olympics is this robot shooting baskets alone in an empty stadium. “Fyre Fest of Summer Camps” shuts down in New Hampshire. Florida man fails to leave Florida the hard way. Florida sheriff invents pre-crime. New PCT FKT: 51 days, 16 hours, 55 minutes. Mama Mia! That’s a spicy expressway! Mark Slutsky interviewed “Paprika” animator Satoshi Kon in 2007, three years before Kon’s very untimely death at age 46, but has only now published the entire Q&A. Also in the `stacks: Danny Lavery’s “John Le Carré's The Fast And The Furious.”

Deckard Shaw: You sought to interfere with their family. One should never interfere with a man’s family.

Hobbs: Toretto said much the same thing at the time.

Sneak preview of M. Night Shyamalan’s next movie, DEATH HORSE:

The twist is that nous allons tous mourir.

Finally, Senior Hoover Correspondent Intern Linda alerted me to this delightful Guardian #longread: “Sucks to be him! How Henry the vacuum cleaner became an accidental design icon.”

Today’s Song: Modest Mouse, “Beach Side Property”

~Tab hasn't moved but it’s getting closer, losing ground~

Thanks to Senior Highway Witch Jessie Guy-Ryan for “that’s a spicy expressway!” and Senior Hoover Correspondent Intern Linda for several other Henry Hoover related tabs I didn’t use because it felt like cultural appropriation, but in honor of Ted Lasso Season 2, this is the most British thing that ever happened:

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