Bye Bye Birdie

"Ight imma head out," says everyone.

If my group chat of dead-end sickos is any indication, this was the weekend we all finally gave up on Twitter. Casey Newton signed off, Robin Sloan is done with Twitter and all the old platforms, and Charlie Warzel couldn’t find a single “on the other hand” to give in his clear-eyed take on what’s going on with the website Elon Musk seems determined to kill with far-right cringeposting. Musk wandered on stage this weekend with noted transphobe and fellow rich asshole Dave Chappelle to ten straight minutes of booing so savage that even Chappelle seemed embarrassed for him. Like any brand new teen forum mod, Musk cried about it all night and then spent today frantically trying to take down the videos while posting that he was “not owned” and “laughing about it actually 🤣🤣🤣.” Even Jordan Peterson isn’t happy with the service he’s getting from Twitter anymore:

The only person still confused about where Musk stands politically was Jeremy W. Peters, proving once again that the professional idiots of the Times politics desk are undefeated in willfully overlooking the obvious. “Critics Say Musk Has Revealed Himself as a Conservative. It’s Not So Simple,” he wrote. The next day, Musk tweeted:

Where does he stand? Who can say.

Today in Every Accusation is a Confession: “The ‘Twitter Files’ Is What It Claims to Expose.”

Meanwhile Jason O. Gilbert has blown another conspiracy wide open with “The Horny Singles in Your Area Files.”

12. Recently, I reviewed the internal logs and was able to locate my query from that night in Buckhead, Georgia, when I was tantalized by intercourse with a local horny single.

13. I can now report that the only horny single in the area…was me.

14. Internal logs had branded me as a “gullible loser” and “divorced cuck” with a “stupid haircut” who had “lost it all in multiple pyramid schemes.”

When’s Glem Gremmwold going to catch on to this scandal?

While we’re all giving up on Twitter, Kyle Chayka is giving up on Instagram, BeReal, Clubhouse, crypto, NFTs, and all those janky travel apps too. If we all throw our phones away at the same time, we could just pretend the last fifteen years didn’t happen. RETVRN to 2006, you know what I’m saying? Think about it.

Time is a Cute Circle:

Today in Tabs is partnering with Hallie Bateman’s new web store HAL⭐️MART all this week, because we love Hallie and everything she makes, and for other more commercial reasons that will become clear in the fullness of time. 20% off with code TABS!

It seems like everyone fleeing Twitter is headed to Mastodon, now that Raspberry Pi’s surveillance cop has reassured us that the toot site is capable of generating a main character. Chris Stokel-Walker reported out that mess for BuzzFeed and a Raspberry Pi spokesperson explained that:

…as a Chinese woman she has long had bad experiences on the internet. “Your characteristics aren’t necessarily visible, but Toby is a former policeman. That is how he identifies. It’s what he is.” When asked if she was trying to equate being a police officer to being a Chinese woman, Upton replied, “No, no, no, no, absolutely not. But I am saying people will grab onto things to jump on.”

So it’s actually insensitive to criticize the cop, because he’s ACAB (assigned cop at birth).

“11,000-Year-Old Carving of Man Holding His Penis, Surrounded by Leopards, Is Oldest-Known Depiction of a Narrative Scene.” It’s a story as old as time: Boy meets leopards, boy holds penis… we all know what happens next.

It turns out that incredibly awkward Tonight Show episode where Jimmy Fallon and Paris Hilton held up their apes on TV and looked embarrassed was an ad, like literally everyone thought at the time. Now Fallon and a bunch of other celebrities are being sued for pumping NFTs:

Each of the promoter defendants received digital assets from Moonpay or Yuga Labs for their endorsements, according to the suit. Bieber, for example, received BAYC NFT worth roughly $1.3 million when it was issued for an allegedly fraudulent post on Instagram stating that he bought it with his own money. Paltrow similarly announced to investors on Jan. 26 that she “joined” the BAYC community and thanked Moonpay for its services in facilitating the purchase. She also didn’t disclose that she has a financial stake in the firm.

As of press time, the entire NFT market was worth less than one average suburban Jimmy John’s franchise.1 

Honestly as a new EMT grad (I passed btw! 🎉) I feel like this is just a film about that job? Literally, you find dead people and have to get paperwork signed about it.

Good News / Bad News: Exciting advance in fusion energy! Which won’t help us.

Today’s Song: SZA, “Nobody Gets Me”

Follow me on Mastodon @[email protected]. Yeah I know it’s easy to make fun of Mastodon, and I will. But Debirdify found 25% of my Twitter follows immediately, and the network is a lot livelier than it was last time I tried it back in 2017, so what the heck. I guess we’re tooting now. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You know what else is tooting? The Tabs subscriber Discord.

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