Putin on the Blitz
Takes together strong, Today in Crabs, and our precious bodily fluids. It's Season Six!
Ahhh, finally back from a relaxing break at the off-grid Tabs meditation dacha, now it’s time to take a big sip of my favorite Russian vodka and log back on to see what’s been hap—
Oh.
Oh no.
If Today in Tabs is your only source of news, and it is, I regret to inform you that last Thursday Russia began a surprisingly dilatory and inept invasion of Ukraine. As the old saying goes “the first casualty of war is posts,” and Thursday was the worst day of posting I have ever seen in my long years on Al Gore and Taylor Swift’s internet. Ryan Broderick put on his social media flak jacket and took us to the front lines, but from the sub-Amanda Palmer poetry of AnnaLynne McCord’s “If I were Putin’s Mommy” to “Biden should invade Cuba” to “Apes together strong” to WarTok to wildly racist praise of the “relatively civilized, relatively European” Ukrainians to THE BATMAN SANCTION (which is actually happening) to The Avengers of Ukringe, the posts have tested the strongest among us. And if the first casualty of war is posts, the first casualty of posts is the Take Tree:
“A Vibe Shift Is Coming. Will any of us survive it?” asked Allison P. Davis in what might be the most quickly and brutally confirmed vibes-oriented story of all time. The Russian economy’s vibe has shifted to “crashing,” Franz Ferdinand’s vibe is like “not this time bitches!” and Congress’s demented dentist Paul Gosar is already posting about flouride and our precious bodily fluids, but that was pretty much always his vibe. The vibe at crypto exchanges has shifted from “crypto isn’t just for crime!” to ”well listen crypto is still mostly for crime.” The vibe at Choire’s Court Appearances newsletter has shifted to “the Sarah Lawrence sex-cult trial.” The vibe at Jerusalem’s Putin Pub has shifted to… just “Pub,” and the vibe at Little Caesar’s has shifted to whatever this horror is:
But not all the vibes have changed. Leftists are still launching a thoughtful magazine of ideas that can really move tote bags at the Brooklyn Book Festival. The Smiths Dot News are still snuffling for cash with a pitch that is still “too vague to throw money at right now,” according to Sara Fischer. An Estée Lauder senior executive has been forced out of his $10m a year job for posting a racist Sesame Street Chingy meme to Instagram. Same old story. The NFT market is still both fake and exploitative. Knitters are still the Ukrainians of online hobbyists, and clueless tech bros who try to invade their turf get buried so deep their great-grandchildren are born underground. And of course, Amazon is still the absolute worst.
Kiwi Korner: “Anti-mandate protesters making tinfoil hats.” It’s rare that you get to watch someone’s brain dissolving in real time so this clip is pretty special:
"People are actually making tinfoil hats. Now isn't that funny? But they work, apparently."
Today in Crabs: It’s crabs v. squids and it’s all popping off in The Battleaide of Adelaide. Elsewhere, heretical biologists think that maybe horseshoe crabs are spiders. Sure, whatever. Maybe camels are bivalves! Maybe birds are drones! In non-carcinised biological heresy, a team of researchers propose that Tyrannosaurus rex fossils actually come from three different related dinosaurs: the older Tyrannosaurus imperator, the familiar Tyrannosaurus rex, and a later, “slender-boned” Tyrannosaurus regina, more commonly known as “the Tyrannussy.”
In conclusion: BuzzFeed’s Brianna Sacks and Ade Onibada reported that “Hollywood Unlocked Might Have Confused Queens Of The Stone Age With Queen Elizabeth When It Reported That She Died.”
Today’s Song: Mobb Deep, “Shook Ones, Pt. II”
~ you millennial leftists who never lived one day under nuclear tabs can now reflect upon your woke sky ~
It’s Season Six, and it’s also Star Wars Day! March the First be with you. Now that everyone’s forgotten we were mad at Spotify, you can find the whole Season Five playlist right here, and the Season Six playlist starts today. If anyone wants to convert those to other music services let me know, I’ll pass along the links. Thanks always to Tabs Senior Contributing Editor for Graphics and Supernatural Fanfic Alison Headley for the Take Tree. And please, pay me! Thank you in advance, or belatedly if you’re already a paying subscriber.