Want More Life?

Try OrganExTM Zombie Fluid! It won't leave you stiff like a typical dead pig.

August 3rd, 2022

The Earth is spinning faster, which could be due to conservation of angular momentum and the high mountain glaciers melting. Or maybe it’s just anxiety. Whatever the cause, “June 29, 2022 was 1.59 millisecond less than the average day, scientist Leonid Zotov told CBS News,” so if everyone who lives near the equator could just throw your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you’re increasingly scared until we get this sorted out, that’d be great.

We can’t let days get shorter, we need the time! Blizzard Games needs more time to figure out who it can match with a Diablo Immortal player who spent $100,000 to build a character so outrageously beefy that he can’t actually play the game anymore. T.M. Brown reports that New York City auto mechanics need time to clean “chicken bones, some bread and part of a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich” out of their customers’ cars, because rats “began taking more risks” during the pandemic, like… driving I guess? And Google needs more time to migrate customers from Google Meet to Google Meet.

But why do the rest of us want more time? As Roy Batty said:

Scientists also want more life, but they’re deranged little goblins so they took some pigs that were dead for an hour and “pumped a custom-made solution into the dead pigs’ bodies with a device similar to a heart-lung machine.”

What happened next adds questions to what science considers the wall between life and death. Although the pigs were not considered conscious in any way, their seemingly dead cells revived. Their hearts began to beat as the solution, which the scientists called OrganEx, circulated in veins and arteries. Cells in their organs, including the heart, liver, kidneys and brain, were functioning again, and the animals never got stiff like a typical dead pig.

…reports Gina Kolata, in a follow-up to her 2019 story about “BrainEx” which supposedly accomplishes a similar thing in neural tissue. They didn’t not call you mad at the Academy, am I right? Scientists, I am begging you to listen to yourselves: OrganEx Zombie Fluid is the most supervillain thing I ever heard of (but we probably shouldn’t panic just yet).

At 40 feet long and more than 20 tons, whale sharks might have the most life of any non-cetacean by sheer volume, and in an outstanding issue of The Whippet today McKinley Valentine wrote about whale sharks’ newly discovered omnivorousness, as well as what happens to human digestion on the Jordan Peterson All-Meat Moscow Coma Express. You’ll be surprised to hear that it’s not good! But apparently the wide sargasso sea is actually full of whale sharks laughing alone with salad, so that’s nice. If you like Tabs you’ll almost certainly like The Whippet, and all I want is for you to be happy so that’s a free plug. I will not compare myself with my colleagues. If they do newsletter beautifully, I will enjoy it and be thankful and proud that I live in fellowship with them. Anyway Peter Kafka says the newsletter boom is over, so McKinley and I can afford to be generous while the Johnnies-come-lately shuffle back out of your inbox.

How much social justice donation money is reasonable to spend on a dog? $40,000? Shaun King needs to know as soon as possible. “Hi there—Caroline O’Donovan from The washing machine…” I demand Warner Bros. release the Batgirl Snyder Cut immediately. Athletic supporters help English football team to Euros victory. I guess we’ve all decided the New York Times will be the only newspaper for everyone now. Does your everyday workspace look like something Fox Mulder would describe as “the creature’s lair?” Introducing: Messy Ass Spaces.

Today in Updates:

Wife-murdering safari dentist found guilty. And the Bored Ape Yacht Club Yuga Labs folks would like you to know that they’re just regular good normal salt of the earth types, one who definitely does not have any family mob ties and another who didn’t read it but hated Infinite Jest “reflexively because his creative writing classmates fawned over it.” A child of God much like yourself perhaps. So that should clear all of that up.

What If Reads, But Long?

In The Verge, Gaby Del Valle took a trip to the Sonoran desert border wall, “The Most Surveilled Place in America,” feat. photos by Today in Tabs Photography Intern Ash Ponders.

Today’s Song: El-P (feat. Omar Rodriguez-Lopez & Cedric Bixler-Zavala), “Tasmanian Pain Coaster”

~ I’m so tired, tabs are reading me ~ 

There’s only one day left in Season Six! And none too soon. Starting Friday I am off until August 22nd, and then we’ll see about getting a record-breaking seventh season of Tabs going. Thanks for reading, you’re the OrganEx zombie fluid of my creative spirit.

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