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Isaac Fitzgerald Eats a Big Sandwich
Take me down to the octopus city where the girls throw shells when the boys act shitty
Update, 9/7/2021: Previously this post contained a line about Sally Rooney which was not up to the rigorous Today in Tabs humor standards, and has been edited.
Good afternoon to anyone who isn’t on fire or underwater, which I hope is… someone? The pandemic and climate change are starting to superpose and interfere with each other unpredictably. For example, California lost five fire engines and sixteen firefighters from the Caldor fire to Covid isolation. On the other hand:
But neither fire, flood, nor dark of virus will stay our worst people from their grind. A Daily Mail “EXCLUSIVE: Tech bro boasts about hanging with 'notable celebrities and execs' at UNOFFICIAL Burning Man as rich kids bring their own stages, Porta Potties and DJ equipment to Black Rock Desert 'Playa'.” If you have a fire or a flood nearby and wish to hurl yourself into it, you may be excused. Bari Weiss is pulling in $800k on Substack comforting the comfortable and afflicting the afflicted along with the salad guy who thinks you wouldn’t get Covid if you just ate more lettuce, fatty. Joe Rogan has Covid but don’t worry, he’s sucking down the horse paste and probably literal snake oil, and he’ll be back to encouraging kids not to get vaccinated in no time. After causing world-historic death and suffering, the Sacklers will keep almost all their money and walk away immune to any further litigation, in exchange for… uh, nothing really. That’s all, they just get away with it. It was the best deal we could get, apparently. “The Diapers.com Guy Wants to Build a Utopian Megalopolis,” writes Joshua Brustein for my friend @business, and the Conor Roy vibes have never been stronger. The Taliban were disappointed that we didn’t leave them more functioning military aircraft, reports Al Jazeera’s Charlotte Bellis. And the hero of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, demented idiot Rudy Giuliani went on Cameo and did exactly what you’d expect.
Would Rooney’s moony female protagonists wear Uniqlo out to book readings or magazine launches in rainy Dublin? Absolutely. Does Simon, from [Beautiful World, Where Are You], wear cheap Uniqlo cashmere sweaters to his semi-leftist politics job? Yes. Has there been a mind-meld between Tokyo designers and Rooney’s new lifestyle of Irish countryside / seaside living? Also yes. The two aesthetics are matched in their soothing neutrality, the slipperiness of an experience that is enjoyable while it lasts but fades from your mind as soon as it’s over.
Salman Rushdie, who got too big to fail before the clock ran out on highbrow cornball, is serializing his next book on his Substack, “Salman’s Sea of Stories.” Ahoy, matey. And books-adjacent professional nice guy Isaac Fitzgerald walked ten miles. Join us next week for: Isaac Fitzgerald eats a big sandwich.
“Female octopuses throw things at males that are harassing them,” found a University of Sydney study from “a site in Jervis Bay dubbed ‘Octopolis’.” Also relatable:
In one case, after a male’s advances to a female were rejected, he threw a shell in a random direction and changed colour.
Blocks out for Harambe. In Lousiana a cow got stuck in a tree, and digital content producer Adam McDonald had a pretty good time writing local TV news puns about it. Sabrina Imbler on scorpion tails, feat. Elle Woods.
Today In Too On The Nose: Comedy is a cesspool.
LinkedIn Stories will shut down this month, writes The Verge’s Jay Peters. In related news: “LinkedIn Stories” actually existed.
Please, Andrea Grimes is begging you, “Stop It With The Fucking Coat Hangers:”
Abortion care needn’t be “legal” to be safe. And abortion care that is “illegal” is not necessarily unsafe. When we conflate “safe” with “legal,” — by saying, for example, that “your donation to Planned Parenthood helps protect safe, legal abortion” — we perpetuate a white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchal legal system that was built to serve the most privileged among us.
Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic spaceplane spent more than ten percent of its July 11th flight outside its designated airspace, and has recently lost two experienced flight test supervisors, reports Nicholas Schmidle in The New Yorker. Seems like only a matter of time before it has another fatal crash.
And finally, Roy Kent actor Brett Goldstein is a “‘a completely real normal human man’ who does ‘normal human basic things like rendering and buffering and transferring data.’”
Today’s Song: Gustaf, “Best Behavior”
~To be born again,’ sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, ‘first you have to tab.’~
Did I start Season Five on a Wednesday so I would only have to write for two days and then have a holiday weekend? If you’re a subscriber, feel free to ask me that in the open thread tomorrow. If you’re not a subscriber yet, it’s just $35 for the whole year, this month only. Otherwise, Monday we celebrate the ultimate goal of labor by not working so I’ll see you Tuesday. Here’s a good mashup, thanks Andy and Input.