The NanaGate Scam

HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME

TikTok is going to destroy the brains of Generation X in our golden years the way Fox News and Facebook destroyed the Boomers, and you can see the first ominous rumbles of it in Jessica Lucas’s Input story about 22 year old thirst trapper William White and the parasocial chaos in his obsessive Gen X Mom fandom. Here are some phrases I haven’t been able to scrub out of my brain since yesterday:

Whitey Nation • I’ve seen women say they’d eat his snot when he had a cold • a God-like figure, sent during the age of Aquarius to awaken women’s sexuality • a group known as the Grotto Girls • This was the tipping point for Carol. “I’m no longer a fan due to the NanaGate scam.” • boxer shorts emblazoned with the face of a fan

Do yourself a favor and read it, find out what the tipping point was for Carol, boggle at the fact that TikTok apparently takes a TWO THIRDS cut of Live Battle spending (????), and then send it to all your group chats and give up on the idea of working for the rest of the day.

I Have Questions

What’s a normal number of human fetuses to have in your apartment? What ever happened to the Star Wars Kid? Is Bruce Willis “stepping away from the career that has meant so much to him” or did his family and entourage just need to get ahead of an impending LA Times story that implies they have massively profited from signing him to almost forty crappy straight-to-video projects in the last decade while he’s been in a severe cognitive decline? Is three years is too long for Wyze to leave internet accessible security cameras vulnerable and unpatched? Is one police report every 2 days a normal rate of police reports in Hawaii for “a 29-year-old visitor from Vermont?” If ivermectin fails to help with Covid in every clinical trial, is it still ok to enjoy its appley fresh taste? Is there ever a bad time to brush your teeth? Is the other ship still stuck? Did it sail magnificently into a rather strong wind? Did go clank, into the hole? What are you thinking of? What thinking? What? I never know what you are thinking. Think.

Dyson is making a weird looking combo of headphones and personal air purifier, but Naomi Wu thinks it will mainly blast your Covid juices all over the club, just like Dyson’s bizarre urinals.

He wrote on a Smith Corona electric typewriter. He rocked the scarf and turtleneck to literary parties. He hung out in the stacks of the Strand and made Caffe Reggio his office, writing parts of over a dozen plays there. To make the rent, he taught English at a charter school in Red Hook and worked as a debate coach at Spence, the Upper East Side private school. He is now a college prep tutor and lives in a book-cluttered apartment in the East Flatbush neighborhood of Brooklyn.

In case you were worried, his “battered flip phone” is mentioned elsewhere. I guess someone has to be that guy, why not him.

Finally, Two Unrelated Things

Russian oligarchs keep losing their yachts because their families and/or sex workers won’t stop posting them on Instagram, reports Greg Walters in Vice. But did you realize that the world can meet our goal of limiting global warming to 1.5 degrees Celsius “if the 10-year average compound [solar and wind power] growth rate of 20% can be maintained to 2030.” That’s just eight more years! These have been: two unrelated things.

Today’s Song: The Hold Steady, “Chicago Seemed Tired Last Night”

~ I will show you fear in a handful of tabs ~

More like Sadison Bawlthorn amirite. Tomorrow is April first, please subscribe for the Friday open thread, which is a blissfully prank-free zone on an otherwise unbearable internet day. Tabs is finished weirdly early today so I expect I’ll be @fka_tabs after I have a little snack. You should have a little snack too. Everybody could use a little snack.

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