My Baby? My Baby Seems So Smart But I'm Also Scared About My Baby —Choire Sicha, 2010
Reality? Reality seems so real but I’m also scared about reality. Cocaine Bear is a real movie? About a bear? Who did a lot of cocaine? A movie is real, but a movie also isn’t real.
But the cocaine bear from Cocaine Bear is real? And people call him Pablo Eskobear? The cocaine was also real, dumped from a small plane by Andrew “Drew” Carter Thornton II, who later
…fell from a Cessna twin-engine plane flying over Knoxville, Tenn., where he was found dead on a driveway with a failed parachute strapped to his back and an Army duffel bag containing 34 football-sized bundles of cocaine.
This is reality, according to the Washington Post’s Leo Sands. The real bear apparently just died of an overdose. Would cocaine bear recognize Cocaine Bear in the mirror? Or does cocaine bear just do cocaine off the mirror?
The baguette is a Unesco heritage site now, which I think means they’re illegal to eat but you can take a selfie with one?
Do I know what a baguette is? I thought I did. I thought I knew what free speech is, but now it’s when you give Elon Musk money. Alexandra Petri says so, and she is real. Allegedly!
So I’ll need some money. Do I know what money is? Here’s a dollar. A dollar is money. But to buy crypto beanies I need crypto dollars, and those are called Tether. I could give one dollar to Tether and they‘d give me one crypto beanie that says “One Dollar We Promise!” on it. But my dollar! I’m so proud of my dollar but I’m also worried about my dollar. What if I don’t actually exactly have dollars in “reality?” “The company behind the tether stablecoin has increasingly been lending its own coins to customers rather than selling them for hard currency upfront,” reports Jonathan Weil.
The shift adds to risks that the company may not have enough liquid assets to pay redemptions in a crisis.
Tether Holdings Ltd. says it lends only to eligible customers and requires that borrowers post lots of “extremely liquid” collateral, which could be sold for dollars if borrowers default.
Ah! Perfect! I can’t sell this large tanker truck full of Extremely Liquid Collateral, because reasons, but I can give it to Tether, and they will give me beanie dollars for it in an amount that we both agree is less than I could have sold it for if I could sell it (but I can’t, but it is extremely liquid), and if later on I say “oops I dropped all my beanie dollars out of an airplane over a forest in rural Georgia and a bear snarfled them up and died,” then Tether will simply open up a valve and spray my tanker full of E.L.C. onto the market for what everyone can be sure will be a pleasing and solvent amount of real dollars. My economy! I’m so proud of my economy (but also I am worried about my economy.)
I’m worried about … Pilk?
My baby wormholes! My baby wormholes “transmitted a message between them through what amounted to a tunnel in space-time,” but also my baby wormhole created “no rupture of space and time.” Scientists say my baby wormhole “looks like a duck?” What if something is wrong with my baby wormhole?
Corecore? Tyler Durden???? I’m worried about my #aesthetics. Last night I dreamed my aesthetics “have an eternal appeal on TikTok, which is often overloaded with basic shit” and when I woke up, I confess that I wished it was true.
What if secretly something is wrong with the politics that Zionist Organization of America head Morton Klein already has? And he is about to find that secret out from Isaac Chotiner-maybe later today even, or it could be tomorrow, or possibly sometime in the middle of next week?
Honestly, I mean, you really don’t have to do this. You’re just going to cause trouble and embarrassment for yourself.
Cause trouble? Sir. I’m sorry, sir, you don’t tell me what to say. I’m giving facts. [Klein called me later in the day to say, “I believe Barack Obama was born in the United States.”]
I’m saying that you don’t have to.
What if Ye’s Nazi pal and campaign manager Nick Fuentes is sexually attracted to catboys? Reality? I’m so scared about reality.
Look this is a lot, let’s just go out with a really good song I discovered via Matt Yglesias????????? Goddammit.
I’m So Scared About Today’s Song But I Love Today’s Song: The Julie Ruin, “Ha Ha Ha”
P.S. don’t scroll down.
I did warn you.