- Today in Tabs
- Mustard Skittles
A little ditty, 'bout Foggy Dianne.
Bad news from the U.S. Senate today where it appears Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky has survived. McConnell enjoyed a brief but to all appearances troubling chat with his vengeful God during what was maybe definitely potentially a stroke or something else live on camera at a press conference yesterday.
The existence of Jeffrey Saver was originally implied by X-Files character Jeffrey Spender, and I’m glad to see he’s done so well. Now, I’m not Mitch’s doctor, or your doctor, or a doctor, but I believe this was a TIA. I’d invite you to study this footage of the event closely for yourself and see what you think happened.
NBC’s Garrett Haake and Sahil Kapur report that McConnell “tripped and fell disembarking from a plane at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport this month,” and “sustained a concussion and a cracked rib in a fall in Washington this year.” Reached for comment while bathing in infant blood in his hyperbaric longevity chamber, Henry Kissinger chuckled ominously.
Some have tried to claim that a gerontocracy led by senior citizens like Joe Biden (80), Dianne Feinstein (90), Chuck Schumer (72), and Mitch McConnell (81) is not what the original framers of the Constitution intended. But all you have to do is ask the third-oldest serving Congressman, 291 year old George Washington (R, VA.), whether it’s what he wanted, and he will readily tell you “Yef.”
Musk-Twitter’s VP of sleeping bags and former ex-cult member Esther Crawford always seemed like kind of a tech-brained nitwit, but yesterday she posted a two thousand four hundred word tweet, which is a thing you can do now God help us, and proved that she’s quite a bit dumber than you may have thought. It’s a gold medal example of the toxic stew of platitudes and self-aggrandizing delusion that sloshes around in the smooth skull meats of technology’s leadership class, a group that is also extremely proud to have just invented the concept of “having a party, for fun.”
More Twitter bug reports: “The new X button doesn't close the website.” Concerning. Linda Yaccarino’s company memo was so bad it inspired Die Hard villain John Gruber to write something that’s actually funny. And your Tesla is lying to you about how far you can drive.
Doom Glossary: Today’s new end-times term is “a six-sigma event.” We’re all learning so much.
The second day of Congressional UFO hearings featured testimony by a representative for the aliens.
Mustard Skittles? Everybody so creative! See how you’d think the Mayor of New York shouldn’t say that? But he did! See how it probably looks like you wouldn’t want to see a Polly Pocket movie? But you’re gonna see it here! See how perfect this Jeet Heer Barbenheimer thread looks? It looks picture perfect, paint a perfect picture! So differently different! That’s what we’re going for.
Weekend Reads: “The body struggles to generate energy.” Ed Yong on long Covid fatigue and myalgic encephalomyelitis. And an anonymous contributor to The Fence reported what it’s like in the Ukrainian gay hookup scene, in “Cruising in the Trenches.”
Today’s Song: Sinead O’Connor, “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got”
RIP to an extremely real one. I ended up taking last Friday off because things happened at a time I wasn’t expecting, and sometimes I’m not good at adapting to that. None of you can relate, I’m sure. But tomorrow there WILL be a subscribers post. Opposite day starts in three, two, one… so please don’t subscribe, and I won’t send that to you tomorrow. It’s not Gentleman’s Thursday, so do have a long work week ahead. I don’t love you, bad morning! bsky-social-blni3-qiidz