The Mall Stonks Hypothesis

Let's all have another Orange Julius 📈🚀🚀🚀

Hey have you updated your iPhone lately? Yesterday Apple released iOS 14.4 and reported that it fixes kernel and webkit security issues where “a remote attacker may be able to cause arbitrary code execution.” Yikes. “Apple is aware of a report that this issue may have been actively exploited.” Double Yikes. To translate: Apple knows that a bug or combination of bugs allow an attacker to run code on your device remotely, through any web browser (they all rely on webkit), and that exploits are currently out in the wild. The related vulnerability reports, CVE-2021-1870, CVE-2021-1871 and CVE-2021-1872 haven’t been made public yet, so all I can tell you is update now. Like.. right now! Go.

Done? Great! That means it’s time for

If Matt Levine isn’t going to try to explain GameStop, I’m certainly not going to either. If you still feel like you’re interested but have no clue what is going on, hit reply and let me know and maybe I will attempt it tomorrow. But before you do, first read Liz Lopatto in The Verge, who not only explains the short squeeze but also clarifies that this is only a David and Goliath story if you understand that there’s an even bigger Goliath in the middle profiting off both ends of the fight. “Wall Street is just what happens when you mix money with feelings,” writes Lopatto, and Bloomberg’s John Authers suggests that the relevant feeling here is neither greed nor fear, but anger. I think there are a number of things going on but that does seem like one of them. Maybe another one is… mall nostalgia? What do GameStop, the movie theatre chain AMC, Tootsie Roll, and Blockbuster have in common? My Gen X soul twangs with Orange Julius and Spencer’s vibes here. The malls are the soon-to-be ghost towns, but in the meantime it sure feels like mall brands are helping pump up the virality of these bubbles. Finally, if you’re already steeped in all the abstruse financialia of GameStonk, you’ll enjoy this Chernobyl edit predicting the whole fiasco, posted to r/wallstreetbets back in October.

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Trump’s VOA grifter in chief Michael Pack paid two law firms close to $4 million so far in no-bid contracts. This terrible humidifier is single-handedly ruining The Wirecutter’s reputation. The Gang Runs a Vaccine Clinic. “Why I left Substack.” The infuriatingly talented, generous, and handsome Cord Jefferson just created the Susan M. Haas Fellowship:

Two writers with backgrounds in journalism will receive $25,000 each to assist with living expenses for a six-month period, during which recipients will develop their original teleplays.

And at long last, science finally proved that more money does make you more happy. Who suspected.

Today’s Song: Modest Mouse, “Teeth Like God’s Shoeshine”

~The tabs are the soon-to-be ghost towns, well so long, farewell, good-bye.~

I have 100% used that Modest Mouse line in a previous season, but who’s gonna remember that? No one, not now, not ever anyone. Did you subscribe? Sorry for pestering those of you who have but Substack doesn’t let me distinguish past the top of the newsletter. Thanks to Tabs Junior Graphics Intern Garrett Miller for putting a name to the mall stonks hypothesis. I’m on Twitter too, as you may have guessed.

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