Headline Roulette
Two of these headlines are real, one is fake. Can you guess which?
Pope Benedict XVI Requests Environmentally-Friendly ‘Loose Burial’
Trump’s Spiritual Adviser Paula White Accused of Breaking Into the Bank Account of Rock Band Journey
Canceled: the wind (for slavery), smartphones (for pictures), the Smart Pipe™ (urine trouble), your credit history (url trouble), a play about censorship (censored in Florida), Red Scare (for goblin blood), 10% of your withdrawals from crypto scam Wyre (so far!), Ronzoni’s Pastina (“Immediately after the tribulation of those days… the stars shall fall from heaven”).
Boosted: female M&Ms (now in special “maiden, mother, and crone” packs), XBB.1.5 (catch the hottest new variant), the -ussy (“A calzone is a pizzussy. A wine bottle has a winussy.” Both objectively true), Desert Oracle (back for an eighth year), Roman concrete (thanks to terrifying quicklime-powered “hot mix”).
Twitter Pivots to Medium:
Today In Failed Trolls: “Is New York Turning Into Los Angeles?” asked the headline of this Michael M. Grynbaum piece aimed squarely at the Times’s core audience: people who like to get mad at the Times’s trolly articles about How New York Just Ain’t Like It Used To Be. There was speculation that people would be mad but everyone displayed a positively Angeleno level of chill about it, which really makes you think. Anyway this was a good quote:
“I dress up, hate vegan, loathe pot and don’t work out,” [actress, writer, and native New Yorker Jill Kargman] said. “I was just asked if I wanted to do a mommy mushroom journey. Kill me now!”
My Reindeer Heart Will Go On: Ridiculous “luxetarian” Copenhagen restaurant Noma will transition at “the end of 2024” from almost impossible to visit to fully impossible to visit, pivoting to selling t-shirts and overpriced vinaigrette online.
For most of [her unpaid three month 2017 internship], Ms. Hegde said, her sole job was to produce fruit-leather beetles, starting with a thick jam of black fruit and silicone stencils with insect parts carved out. Another intern taught her how to spread the jam evenly, monitor the drying process, then use tweezers to assemble the head, thorax, abdomen and wings. Ms. Hegde repeated the process until she had 120 perfect specimens; each diner was served a single beetle in a wooden box…
Ms. Hegde said she was required to work in silence by the junior chefs she assisted (Mr. Redzepi was rarely in the kitchen where she worked), and was specifically forbidden to laugh.
Jair Bolsonaro may be in Florida doing what he loves the most (going to the hospital), but in Brazil a social media organized coup attempt is trying to restore the human variant lab to power. An especially good Garbage Day today from Ryan Broderick (live in Brazil) is dedicated entirely to the Bolsominions uprising:
It should unnerve you that everywhere you look right now countries around the world are pushing back against Big Tech… except the US. And we are running out of time to do something about it. It feels like America is actually the country least prepared for the existential fight against authoritarianism that lies ahead.
For instance, Brazil’s current President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, or “Lula,” reacted quite differently yesterday than US President Joe Biden did two years ago. Lula declared that the rioters were terrorists and triggered a state of emergency and arrested over 1,000 of them immediately. I told a few Brazilian friends this morning that we let our insurrectionists go home afterwards and they looked at me like I had just grown a second head.
Meanwhile, back at home:
Sharing Is Caring: That last tweet should explain why I’m not posting on Twitter anymore, which used to be my only promotional channel. If you like Tabs, tell your group chat about it, share it with your work friends, inject it into your dark socials, whatever way you normally tell people about things. Thanks!
It’s the new year and it’s time to clear out these last few remaining You Can Always Quit t-shirts. ALL COLORS AND SIZES ARE BACK IN STOCK, albeit in extremely limited quantity. I think there’s only one medium black shirt left, for example. This is the very last of them, nothing held back, everything must go, shipping is free in the U.S. and just $6.00 anywhere else in the world, all sales final. Gotta make room for new stuff in 2023.
Coming Soon: More Tabs news tomorrow…
Today’s Song: Yaeji, “Raingurl”
~ Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the tab shall not give her light ~
