Today in Tabs

Share this post

Sir This Is The Whole Internet

www.todayintabs.com

Sir This Is The Whole Internet

I'm having a liquidity event (drinking lead paint)

Rusty Foster
Jan 5, 2022
14
Share this post

Sir This Is The Whole Internet

www.todayintabs.com

You might think the headline “90 Day Fiance star who made £38,000 a week selling farts in a jar hospitalised: ‘I thought it was a stroke’” doesn’t leave much room for surprise in the article, but if you survive that headline, and the fact that “at one point, demand was so high for Stephanie’s wind that she was producing up to 50 jars worth of farts a week,” and the paragraph about protein shakes and bean soup, you will eventually make it to the Aristotelian “surprising, yet inevitable

1
” ending:

Her clients will no longer be able to own the physical jar of Stephanie’s gas, but they will be able to purchase them as digital artworks on the blockchain. 

Of course. And speaking of farts on the blockchain, courtesy of Molly White (who is not to blame for any of this) here is the pitch video for Cryptoland, a Fiji-based “physical crypto island” project that answers the question “what if the Fyre Festival never had to end?” Also there’s a talking animated Bitcoin. And a musical number. Horrible rumors in the Tabs Discord speak of the Macarena but I didn’t make it that far.

Here’s the white paper. Roll 6d10 psychic damage.

In other upsetting demo video news, BuzzFeed’s Richard Nieva reports that “One Of The Creators Of Google Glass Is Experimenting With A Smart Retainer For Texting With Your Tongue.” And you won’t believe how comfortable and natural it looks!

Meanwhile, in the metaverse (or, “Second Life”):

Twitter avatar for @DigitalisHomo
Homo Digitalis @DigitalisHomo
This is how Walmart envisions Shopping in the #Metaverse. Thoughts? 💭
8:01 PM ∙ Jan 3, 2022
13,028Likes3,174Retweets

St Francois County, Missouri adopted a new county seal, and I think it’s very clear what St. Francois County, Missouri’s passion is.

The seal of St. Francois County. I don’t know, man, I’ve never been so fully defeated trying to write alt text. It’s a circle, with red text that says “The Great Seal of St. Francois County” around it, but not really centered on the circle’s center? And there’s a flag and an eagle, and like… a cross over a bible? And a pick and shovel? And a green map? It’s fully crazy, this description doesn’t, and I think couldn’t ever, do it justice.
It’s graphic design.

Important Pizza News:

Domino’s Taiwan introduced a “‘Buddha Jumps Over the Wall’ pizza. It includes abalone, scallops, sea cucumbers, garlic short-ribs, fish skin, quail eggs, taro, dried bamboo shoots, and cabbage.” I’d eat it. After the Cryptoland video I’d eat anything. I’d drink lead paint just to forget the things I’ve seen today.

Anatomy of a Cancel Culture Hustle

Yesterday we were left with the puzzle of why, other than being a world-class messy bitch, Michael Wolff would try to whip up a cancel culture controversy about Norman Mailer, who was permanently cancelled by death back in 2007. The New Republic’s Alex Shephard reported that Mailer’s sales have been weak, even compared to his cohort of overrated 20th century white American dick-lit authors. The AP’s Hillel Italie added the information that “the family, along with Mailer biographer J. Michael Lennon, ‘put together a proposal for a collection of political essays on democracy which they liked,’” presumably to squeeze a little more cash from their ancestor’s literary corpus, and that the project was picked up by publisher of last resort Skyhorse. Both the AP and the New York Times also mentioned that the literary agent for Mailer’s estate is Andrew Wylie, who happens to be Michael Wolff’s agent, which Wolff confirmed in a tweet that led to this already-classic exchange:

Replying to Brian Stelter, Michael Wolff tweets “He is. And I just spoke to him and he denies disputing the report. That is off the record from me. But call him.” Matt (@FraijNT) replies: “Sir this is the whole internet.”

So, in summary: wily Wylie wooed Wolff with Michael Mailer at Michael’s to create cancel culture controversy and seduce Skyhorse into salvaging a sinking submission. That’s just Hollywoo, baby.

Twitter avatar for @titonka
Danielle Kurtzleben @titonka
KRAMER: you know what a good news audience would be? JERRY: who? KRAMER: the people who aren’t an audience. JERRY: sure. KRAMER: yeah and there’s a lot of ‘em. Globally. JERRY: uh huh KRAMER: it’s a [jittery hand gesture] market opportunity.
3:45 AM ∙ Jan 5, 2022
179Likes9Retweets

What have we learned about the Smiths Dot News? Not much! in The New Yorker, Clare Malone gave Ben Smith the space to demonstrate his world class talent at refusing to answer questions. New York Magazine’s Shawn McCreesh got this perfectly shady Timesian quote from Carolyn Ryan:

“Ben has been a phenomenal columnist, and we’re proud of the fact that the Times is a place where people can come and elevate their careers, and I congratulate him on returning to his passion of working at a start-up.”

In Axios, reliable stenographer Sara Fischer reported that the Smiths’ media startup has 37 million newsletter subscribers and has been profitable for the last 5 quarters, and also posted Justin Smith’s two page project memo, which says “we have no idea what we’re going to do but I sure love Michael Bloomberg a lot. Like… a lot a lot.” And in Puck, which is what happens when the jerk-off hand motion raises a $7 million Series A, “the dumbest media reporter alive

2
” Dylan Byers had a premature liquidity event.

In summary, we don’t know anything we didn’t know yesterday, but at least everyone had a lot of fun.

Twitter avatar for @TallDoctorEddy
Tall Eddy, MD @TallDoctorEddy
How the US is handling COVID ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Image
4:08 PM ∙ Jan 4, 2022
125,154Likes19,582Retweets

Hero Dog Tinsley Saves Two Lives. “Volger Semen Center, We’re Pretty Handy.” Farhad Says: Relax.

Today’s Song: Wet Leg, “Too Late Now”

~ sir this is tabs ~

Yesterday I forgot to credit Senior Contributing Editor for Graphics Alison Headley for the WIRED “Technology is great?” graphic and now I think the Tabs graphics department is unionizing. It’ll be Today in Scabs around here pretty soon. Find me in cyberspace @fka_tabs and @TodayinTabs.

Twitter avatar for @fka_tabs
Rusty Foster @fka_tabs
I can’t stop laughing at this and I don’t think it’s a good sign
Image
7:02 PM ∙ Jan 5, 2022
56Likes5Retweets
1

Look, it’s Grub Street! Who’s the Bad Fart Friend?

2

© Tom Scocca, 2015.

Share this post

Sir This Is The Whole Internet

www.todayintabs.com
TopNewCommunity

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2023 Rusty Foster
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing