Kissing the Zuckerbutt

I pray every single day, for a revolution

Mark Zuckerberg announced the Metaverse on Thursday and everyone immediately hated it, but after taking time to carefully reflect and consider all the angles and implications, everyone still hates it. Ben Smith reported that, in a classic sign of corporate confidence, Mark only talked to outlets willing to kiss the Zuckerbutt like Mathew Olson from The Information (run by a close Zuckerberg family friend married to a former Facebook VP), Ben Thompson from Stratechery (whose Zuckerbath earned a coveted Daring Fireball prize for sycophancy), and Dylan Byers at Puck (who is, you know… Dylan Byers). The only major media representative Zuck spoke to was The Verge’s Alex previously a reporter for The InformationHeath, who appears to have taken a heavy dose of ayahuasca before asking questions like:

“Well, with respect to that,” answered Zuckerberg, “you just have to consider has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?” Then the sensation of contentment climbed out of Heath’s spine in the form of a shimmering neon black lizard who sang 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Up” for the next ten hours.

PC Gamer’s Wes Fenlon accurately reported that “The metaverse is bullshit:”

Why don't the tech billionaires chasing after sci-fi metaverses get that these fictional virtual realities seem great on the page but would be hell to actually live in 12 hours a day? I truly do not know, but I think it may have something to do with their refusal to admit that they are the baddies.

Ed Zitron stated the true fact that “Facebook's Name Change Is An Act of Meta-Desperation:”

Zuckerberg has absolutely no clue what he is building and you are a fool if you think otherwise. This is not a plucky startup founder or a journeyman finding his feet, but a guy who has the majority of voting power in a publicly-traded trillion-dollar enterprise who is giving a “forgot to prepare for this meeting” style speech.

And in The Atlantic Ethan Zuckerman pointed out that in the 60-plus year history of “the metaverse,” Zuck’s version contains exactly nothing new or valuable:

...Zuck’s metaverse looks pretty much like we imagined one would look like in 1994. Look, I’m playing cards with my friends and we’re in zero gravity! And one of my friends is a robot! You could do this in Second Life 10 years ago, and in somewhat angular vectors in VRML 20 years ago.

Look: it’s a bad plan and the sign of a flailing company is what we’re all saying here. Maybe the best person to wrap all this up is Nilay Patel, who talked to Delia about Facebook and co-founding The Verge and what was the deal with “Fish Fridays.”

Let’s do another edition of everyone’s favorite Tabs segment:

Should I Read That Long New Yorker Profile?

This week it’s Stephen Witt with a thorough profile of L.A. Times owner and eccentric basketball-playing surgeon Patrick Soon-Shiong.

Is it good?

Yeah, it’s fine.

You should read it if:

You work at the L.A. Times, you’re obsessed with billionaire media owners, you’re vaguely interested in billionaire media owners and have a long wait at the DMV, or you’re Kevin Merida, because it might be the closest you’ll ever come to meeting your boss.

Otherwise:

This Ben Smith tweet pretty much captures the flavor.

You can pay $185 to put on a harness and climb to the peak of the outside of 1,270 foot tall 30 Hudson Yards, if the last two years haven’t been stressful enough for you. Also today in cruel and unusual architecture: UCSB’s “massive, mostly-windowless dormitory plan ‘unsupportable from my perspective as an architect, a parent, and a human being.’” Billionaire architectural sadist Charlie Munger responds: “I'd rather be a billionaire and not be loved by everybody than not have any money,” providing the pull-quote for a future history textbook page titled “America’s Final Years.”

Danielle Tcholakian investigated exactly what part of hell Joe Manchin belongs in, according to Dante. Ross Barkan investigated “what happened to Matt Taibbi?” (Nothing, lol, he’s always been like this). Mailchimp employees were awarded their pittance by lying sellout billionaire company owners:

"Remember when Ben hyped this up in the media saying it would be amazing enough to make us cry?" said one employee.

"Maybe he meant we would be crying tears of disappointment," responded another employee. 

And thank you to everyone who sent me this tweet, you all know my brand:

Today’s Song: 4 Non Blondes “What’s Up.” Chug that tea and let’s blast off, baby.

~ and so I tab sometimes when I'm lying bed, just to get it all out, what's in my head ~

Follow me @fka_tabs if you’re feeling a little peculiar. 30% off subscriptions today and tomorrow and all of the following days only! Join me tomorrow for: more tabs, I can’t help but assume.