JRR Tokin'
Tabs is Fëanorian hubris writ large. It's what Saruman would do.
Wake up! It’s Thursday, Patricia Lockwood reviewed Marian Engel’s 1976 bestiality masterpiece “Bear” in the London Review of Books, and what have I done today? What have you done today?
This kind of excitement is carnal. You are a researcher in a private library, and this is your pleasure: watching three dimensions rise out of two, watching the skin and small hairs arrive to clothe a sentence. The chain of logic here is as fuzzy as the real thing: Lou ‘wanted to know how and who this Cary was. Trelawny. Colonel Cary. The bear…’ …Who hasn’t let a bear go down on her off some crazed librarian’s high? A numerical system cannot be imposed on the bear, but the compass can: she swings him south.
Lockwood digs into more of Engel’s work, and I can’t think of another reviewer and reviewed so perfectly suited to each other, but you already know whether you’re going to read 5,527 words of Patricia Lockwood on the most famous English novel about fucking a bear, so.
I Regret to Inform You: It’s no longer just a video arcade in “King of the Hill”—someone is launching a “Lord of the Rings” themed cryptocurrency called JRR Token. There’s a teaser trailer, a website, and a whiteparchment, but Billy Boyd, the actor who played Peregrin “Pippin” Took in the Peter Jackson films, was the best they could recruit to promote it. The airdrop phase ends today, and anyone familiar with the work of J.R.R. Tolkien knows it’s a good idea to accept a gift of great and eldritch power, so the fans must love it, right? “Crypto is Feanorian hubris writ large. It's what Saruman would do,” raved one. Meanwhile on Reddit:
![Screenshot of r/JRRToken with only one post, reading: “Fuck off. Stop feeding of [sic] the corpse of a great author who would hate you. Fuck you, scammers.”](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F539632f6-3e81-4dd8-a19f-2848b222b399_1406x894.png "Screenshot of r/JRRToken with only one post, reading: “Fuck off. Stop feeding of [sic] the corpse of a great author who would hate you. Fuck you, scammers.”")
Just as Twitter’s Fleets go out in a blaze of butts, TikTok is testing Snapchat-style disappearing stories. Soon: Youtube adds podcast creation tools, Signal adds a public location feed, and Instagram tests newsletters. The Taliban is on Clubhouse, which is no longer invite-only (not that anyone cares). That sounds shocking but apparently the Taliban has been on Twitter since 2017. Podcast sicko Nick Quah admits to speed-watching Netflix. This is the most perverted thing in this whole newsletter. Meanwhile, in the surreal advertising metaverse: “My grandma died.” “Oh I am sorry.” “I have a gf 🙄” “And I have a grandma.” (Apple bottom jeans.) Amazon. ⤴️
The puck dot news website is up. A hundred acres, a farmhouse, and an established used bookstore with 35,000 books in upstate New York for $500,000. Who wants to start a commune? Jerk-ass scientists make daddy long legs short. Choire: “Andrew Cuomo’s Big Gross Book of Touches.” The cursed Olympics are also a ratings disaster. Fully-divorced and ready to activate your vaccine chips, Bill Gates issued a quick oopsie on his friendship with sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. So that clears that up. Insider’s occasionally-psychotic story judgement strikes again: “When a shower door sliced my hands open, I used $23,000 from renters insurance to pay off my student loans — and now I'm debt-free.” Great! (?) “Visitors to US Titanic museum injured by replica iceberg.” Hope they had renters insurance, I guess.
Late-breaking news from Senior Aphex Correspondent Linda Yu: Welsh climate change minister’s brother is Aphex Twin. “This is how I learned it was a single guy,” reports Linda.
Today’s Song: Cake, “Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps”
~ You won't admit you love tabs ~
What’s up with that t-shirt tweet? (I’m so sorry.) I told my wife last night that someone invented a Lord of the Rings themed cryptocurrency called JRR Token and she thought I was joking. (I’m so sorry.) What a weird vibe today huh? Keep it rolling into the weekend with the freshly-updated Season 4 Today’s Song Playlist. [Extremely Beastie Boys voice] One! Week! Till Vacation!