- Today in Tabs
- It's Still Giving Tuesday, Again
It's Still Giving Tuesday, Again
Escalators are stairs that move!
Put on a pot of Frappuccino for Elon Musk as he slips into the warm antisemitic goo of Pizzagate while his new truck fails and his social network fails and his rocket fails. Asked to comment on Musk’s endorsement of the Qanon-linked conspiracy theory, X’s “ablative CEO” Linda Yaccarino said “Escalators are stairs that move!” It all happens on X.
It’s Giving Platforms:
But Elon isn’t the only one with a Nazi problem. After seven years of Substack’s increasingly desperate winking and nodding at white supremacists, Jonathan Katz found that on Our Regrettable Platform:
Looks like it’s time for me to lose some more paid subscribers. For the record: Tabs will not remain on Substack through 2024. This is our last few months here, so do what you need to do about your own subscription but I agree with you about not wanting to pay Substack anymore. I have plans afoot for next year, more about which: very soon. Helena Fitzgerald also has plans afoot, posting that tomorrow will be the last Griefbacon to come from Substack.
In the Wall St. Journal, Jeff Horwitz and Katherine Blunt report that the Instagram algorithm will happily construct a feed for adults with a “prurient interest in children… including risqué footage of children as well as overtly sexual adult videos—and ads for some of the biggest U.S. brands.” Meta responded that “the Journal’s tests produced a manufactured experience that doesn’t represent what billions of users see,” which is to say: it will only show the pedophile feed to pedophiles, so what’s the problem?
And in a statement which itself feels AI generated, Sports Illustrated’s corporate facehugger The Arena Group insisted that the crappy e-commerce content it has been pumping into the corpse of the formerly respected sports news brand was created by a real human third party with the correct number of fingers who simply used fake names, fake bios, and AI generated pictures to represent what are in fact genuine human flesh persons who extruded real meaning words from their person brain hearts. You can take it from the third party contractor AdVon Commerce‘s unimpeachably honest human CEO: [BEN THIRDPARTY] who is absolutely trustworthy and who The Arena Group have fired for lying to them. Interestingly, human CEO [BEN THIRDPARTY]’s team includes nine software engineers and only one writer. Human Kelly must be busy with all those volleyball recommendations. I wonder what the programmers do.
Defector’s David Roth also had some thoughts about the ongoing conversion of what used to be journalism into three laptops in a trenchcoat operated by “Spanfeller-grade goons, un-respected and un-respectable, whose careers amount to gigging some algorithms in the most oafish possible ways.”
Intern Kira is giving a postgrad MILF studies seminar today, with special guest lecturer Miles Robbins:
Political solidarity can look like many things, and recently, it looked like a son admonishing the internet for posting a video of his mom’s tig ‘ol bitties.
Last Tuesday, we learned that Susan Sarandon was dropped by United Talent Agency for speaking at a pro-Palestine rally. Many online came to her defense, which included hornyposting for a good cause when fans began circulating a beloved video of Sarandon getting her hair done while wearing revealing lingerie, because nothing motivates the people like boobs. I’m pretty sure it was Freud who said that.
In response, Sarandon’s son, Miles Robbins, posted: “Ok I’m really grateful to see people on Twitter defending my mom amidst a new era of McCarthyist blacklisting but can you PLEASE stop using the clip of her getting her hair done with her honkers out.” The post quickly went viral and got picked up by various news outlets, with Page Six’s gorgeous headline reading: “Embattled Susan Sarandon’s son begs fans to stop sharing video ‘with her honkers out.’”
But it was all a trick! Robbins revealed his devious plan days later, tweeting “It worked! @nypost Thanks for printing the words ‘a new era of McCarthyist Blacklisting’ in your rag, ya dummies.” He then dunked on everyone who thought he would earnestly post something using the word “honkers” and reminded us that as the son of a MILF, he’s seen it all. In case any other spurned nepo babies are watching, this is how you stand on the right side of history. Honk honk.
”Honker? I wish I knew ‘er.” —Kira Deshler
I’d like to take a moment to appreciate Intern Kira for turning in what I believe is the first honkers-focused segment in Tabs history. We’ve touched on Milves briefly1 but she’s breaking new ground with honkers. I hope I speak for us all when I say: Awooga.
It’s Giving Miscellaneous
“Dubai Police launch interactive video game ahead of COP28.” If you’re hoping this article explains what kind of video game the Dubai police could possibly launch ahead of COP28, I have bad news. Here’s how to download all your music from Bandcamp before its own Spanfeller-grade goons make that impossible through either malice or ineptitude. Amazon announced “an A.I. Chatbot for Companies” which it’s calling Q, because why not use that particular letter of the alphabet. In the New York Times Karen Weise writes that:
I bet that will work perfectly, even if you ask it to pretend to be your grandmother who is the CEO of the company and used to tuck you in every night with a bedtime story about the contents of sensitive financial forecasts.
And Brickception: A breakout-style game where the paddle is a popup window with a second breakout game inside it.
Today’s Song: MGMT, “Time to Pretend”
Come back soon, Music Intern Sam, we’re dying out here. And I know, I know, but like… you could still subscribe? Most of it goes to me? No worries if not! Awkward.