Today in Tabs

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Five days since you laughed at me

Rusty Foster
Apr 26, 2021
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Today in Last Week

It’s been one week since I tabbed at you, and Intern Pernell and I collaborated on a Last Week in Tabs Bingo card to catch you up. Yes, it’s more tic-tac-toe than bingo but who has the emotional energy for twenty five squares? Not us, that’s who. So here are the exactly eight (8) things that happened last week(ish):

A bingo card with 9 spaces, 3 columns and 3 rows, titled “Last Week Bingo”.  Row 1, from left to right–  Space #1:  “Substack courting top journalists, New York Times is pissed.” Accompanying doodle is a New York Times newspaper with the headline “Don’t Leave”.  Space #2: “Disneyworld ‘too woke’ for Florida man.” Accompanying doodle is of Disneyworld’s magic castle.  Space #3: “Murderer caught committing murder on video found guilty of murder.” Doodle of a court gavel about to slam down on a block.  Row 2, from left to right– Space #4: “Polish neighbors call cops on croissant.” Doodle of a glistening croissant. Space #5: “Today in Tabs takes a week off (free space).” Doodle of Tabs logo in a pink circle. Space #6: “Self-driving Tesla crashes & kills 2 passengers, is innocent.” Doodle of a non-threatening Tesla car in burgundy. Row 3, from left to right– Space #7: “New Jersey deli worth $2 billion is totally not sketchy.” Doodle of a gray building with ‘Deli’ signage above the entrance. Space #8: “Space Gender reveal explosion rocks New Hampshire town (it’s a boy).” Doodle of an explosion with a cloud of blue smoke.  Space #9: “Hundreds of Joshes battle with pool noodles for ‘Josh’ namesake.” Doodle of A red and blue pool noodle clashing against each other.
Connect three squares and… “win” I guess? Honestly connect any of these things and you should probably write Tabs instead of me.
  1. Insider’s newsletter beef correspondent Steven Perlberg wrote about the New York Times’s efforts to keep Substack from poaching its best writers, such as Taylor Lorenz, or other writers like Liz Bruenig. Despite extremely blunt hints on social media, the Times has not yet reached out to Today in Tabs to start a bidding war with my future employer, @business.

  2. Creepy manboy Jonathan VanBoskerck urged the Walt Disney Corporation to conform to his “Christian and… conservative Republican” politics in the Orlando Sentinel. “I love Disney World, but wokeness is ruining the experience,” is the title, and you can extrapolate the rest of this terrible editorial directly from it.

  3. Australia’s Betoota Advocate had the most accurate headline about the guilty verdict in George Floyd’s murder case: “Murderer Who Got Caught Committing Murder On Video Found Guilty Of Murder.”

  4. “Mystery animal sighting in Krakow ends up being a croissant.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯🥐

  5. A Tesla Model S with no one driving it crashed in Texas, killing the two passengers aboard. Bloomberg reports that “it took more than 30,000 gallons (113,562 liters) of water to extinguish the fire, which burned for four hours,” when the “fun, futuristic” self crashing electric vehicle plowed into an oak tree.

  6. The public company that runs one small sandwich shop in New Jersey is apparently worth almost $2 billion, calculates Matt Levine. HWIN is up 0.38% at press time, because markets are perfectly efficient.

  7. A New Hampshire couple announced their fetus has male genitals by detonating 80 pounds of tannerite explosive in a quarry. This is enough explosive to level a house. The entire trans community was like: 👀.

  8. “Hundreds of Joshes battle with pool noodles” is, incredibly, not a story about the media industry.

The Today in Tabs Intern is brought to you by YES PLZ Coffee. Buying drugs on the internet has never been easier! Yes Plz deals in the finest coffee beans from around the world, roasted fresh, delivered discreetly to your mailbox. Pause or cancel anytime.


Twitter avatar for @LilyBaileyUK
Lily Bailey @LilyBaileyUK
Image
8:31 PM ∙ Apr 25, 2021
434Likes72Retweets

Everyone hates Mark Zuckerberg: According to Mike Isaac and Jack Nicas he’s fighting with Tim Apple, ostensibly over the new ad tracking controls released in iOS 14.5 today, but the subtext is more “Tim Cook thinks you’re middlebrow.” And Ben Smith wrote yesterday about the feud between Zuckerberg and fellow billionaire media vampire Rupert Murdoch over Facebook’s habit of applying personal privacy policies to news stories about public figures, in a column that is mostly notable for the incredible art by Koren Shadmi:

Cartoon of a video game fight scene between video game cartoon avatars of Mark Zuckerberg and Rupert Murdoch
Image by Koren Shadmi for the NYT

Allison P. Davis wrote the complete history of Kimye for Vulture. Stitcher parent company SiriusXM bought 100% of 99% Invisible, leaving only 1% both visible and acquired. Kyle Chayka checks in with another installment of the NY Review of Vibes. Oscar winner Travon Free’s 2013 EGOT tweet pays off eight long years later, which is why the man is a comedic genius. This Times obit of 90 year old Australian mariner Peter Warner cannot be adequately summarized. Also Today in Australia: that’s a big ass. The NYT is replacing the “Op-Ed” with the “Guest Essay,” or Guessay. Please instead consider replacing the whole editorial section with not having an editorial section. “One out of every four users who visits a Stack Overflow question copies something within five minutes of hitting the page.”

Twitter avatar for @delia_cai
Delia Cai @delia_cai
very zack snyder's justice league to brand it as "leah finnegan's gawker"
5:41 PM ∙ Apr 20, 2021
41Likes1Retweet

Today’s Song: Neutral Milk Hotel, “Everything Is”

~ It's just you and me and oh dear, our tabs have just begun ~

Today in Tabs is registered at the post office as “Happy To Be Back.” If you’re happy too, clap your hands. Then follow me @fka_tabs, or Intern Pernell @pernellquilon or the whole dang brand @TodayinTabs. Oh I almost forgot the Yahoo!

Screengrab of Yahoo user asking “True or false: the smell of horse manure reminds you of your childhood?”
Doodle of a young child lying face down in the grass, in a pile of horse poop. The child says, “There’s no place like home.” It’s a beautiful day out, only slightly cloudy.

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