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Elmo Has Had It

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Elmo Has Had It

The Take Tree is back, and were the ancient Greeks aliens? No, they weren't.

Rusty Foster
Jan 6, 2022
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Elmo Has Had It

www.todayintabs.com

It’s January sixth, so I guess that means we have to talk about the big story: “Elmo has been beefing with a rock since 1999.” Yes, Elmo and Rocco have been on sight for more than two decades now, but news broke today as “Elmo addresses Rocco feud.” However, Jimmy Fallon is still not invited to Sesame Street.

Elmo the Sesame Street Muppet holds an oatmeal raisin cookie (his favorite) and looks in apparent dismay at Rocco (a regular-ass rock) on the table in front of him. In a word balloon, Rocco quotes the Wire’s Marlo Stanfield saying “You want it to be one way.”
But it’s the other way.

Oh it’s also the first anniversary of the Capitol insurrection, and David Remnick asks “Is a Civil War Ahead?” which is a little like asking the same question on the first anniversary of the battle of Fort Sumter, but it does still conform to Betteridge’s Law, in a sad way.

[Political scientist Barbara F. Walter] is careful to say that a twenty-first-century American civil war would bear no resemblance to the consuming and symmetrical conflict that was played out on the battlefields of the eighteen-sixties. Instead she foresees, if the worst comes about, an era of scattered yet persistent acts of violence: bombings, political assassinations, destabilizing acts of asymmetric warfare carried out by extremist groups that have coalesced via social media.

Ok so it’s more like asking if a civil war is ahead one year after the Battle of the Bogside but I think the point stands. Either way, Charlotte Shane will never forget.

Twitter avatar for @CharoShane
Charlotte Shane @CharoShane
I’m sorry everyone, I realize this is not the time, but I ate mushrooms three hours ago
9:04 PM ∙ Jan 6, 2021
24,719Likes648Retweets

Today in Takes

Joyce Carol Oates is an 83 year old “novelist, short story writer, playwright, poet, literary critic, professor, and editor” who has “published 58 novels, a number of plays and novellas, and many volumes of short stories, poetry, and non-fiction” and of course given the world her eponymous hot breakfast cereal. But for years now she has been best known for dropping stinky takes on Twitter, like, most recently:

Twitter avatar for @JoyceCarolOates
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
"bad husband" to whom? like many oft-married men Norman Mailer wound up finally with a much younger, adoring, & altogether quite wonderful wife (Norris Church) whom everyone liked. womanizers all eventually wear out, it just takes time & if you're lucky, you are the last wife.
Twitter avatar for @artorcato
AgnelaRonitaTorcato @artorcato
@GallopinDragons @davidba41069437 @carolin42303269 @JoyceCarolOates He was a fine writer, but a bad husband. Or should that have read, He was a bad husband, but wrote well
3:24 AM ∙ Jan 6, 2022
236Likes29Retweets

This should be a lesson to all of us: if you’ve won virtually every major literary prize over a distinguished 65 year career, log off. But that’s not even the worst take of the day, an honor that our revolting green nemesis The Take Tree has the malicious pleasure of presenting.

Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree” cover except it’s The Take Tree, and it‘s handing the little boy a tweet by Nate Silver, replying to Clara Jeffery, that reads: “Suppose you think that school closures were a disastrous, invasion-of-Iraq magnitude (or perhaps greater) policy decision. Shouldn't that merit some further reflection?” Yes, he’s saying that Zoom school was worse than the Iraq War.
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Thanks, we hate it! This take is so bad even the GameSpot GameFAQs forum is clowning on it. But it does raise a real logico-philosophical conundrum.

Twitter avatar for @CharlesFinch
Charles Finch @CharlesFinch
Today in enjambment news
Image
6:03 PM ∙ Jan 5, 2022
2,469Likes284Retweets

Honky-tonk Creep. The FBI caught the guy who was stealing book manuscripts, so maybe we’ll finally find out why? The one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang album formerly owned by crime douche Martin Shkreli is looking pretty rough. Same, tbh. Via Intern Linda: What’s your favorite Balkan nationalist conspiracy theory? “Serbia is 7000 years old” is pretty good but don’t sleep on “ancient Greeks were the descendants or "children" (genetic constructs) of alien voyagers from the star Sirius.” I regret to inform you that former Illinois governor turned federal prison inmate Rod Blagojevich is launching a podcast called “Lightning Rod Today.” I guess the premise is “what if there was a G. Gordon Liddy that no one liked?”

Tweet by Zack Budryk that says “Jonathan Swift wild for this one” over a screenshot of the CNN headline: “New US dietary guidelines include babies and toddler for first time”

And if you find yourself annoyed by a timeline full of ⬛️⬛️🟩🟨⬛️, Embedded has a good take on why “the world needs the Wordle fandom.”

But like most things that are good on the internet, Wordle fandom is great not because it’s uniquely digital, but comfortingly human. My parents and I have started reporting back over group text after the day’s puzzle, and I feel connected with other players in a way that makes me nostalgic for a past web. 

Twitter avatar for @MarcSnetiker
Marc @MarcSnetiker
Wordle
Image
4:41 PM ∙ Jan 5, 2022
407Likes51Retweets

Today’s Song: If you liked yesterday’s Wet Leg song here’s a whole dang concert from NYC in December. What a good band.

~ the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tabs ~

The Take Tree, as always, is by Tabs Senior Contributing Editor for Graphics and new Tabs Graphics Union shop steward Alison Headley, and per the terms of our arduously negotiated contract I am required to add: “ship Destiel.” Today in Polly is now an official newsletter-within-a-newsletter so you can easily find the archives. Send us your questions, January’s issue is coming soon (to paid subscribers). What a month, huh?

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Elmo Has Had It

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