Soothing Oatmeal Tabs (for pets)

Motherboys, softbois, flatliners and vampires

Robinhood CEO and living Guy Fawkes mask Vlad Tenev finally got a big enough infusion of cash Friday to stop pretending his company didn’t have a liquidity crisis, so Robinhood explained why it actually prevented its users from buying more Gamestop stock (spoiler: it was a liquidity crisis). The effects continued to ripple out in a widening gyre that have so far consumed Nottingham, England’s World Wide Robin Hood society, silver (the metal), and Slavoj Žižek. Meteorologists warn of an increased risk of Takes throughout the week, stay safe out there folks.

Meanwhile, in the Meritocracy: Jonathan Kay, Canadian Motherboy, former editor of Canada’s most prestigious marine mammal themed magazine The Walrus, and current editor of Australia’s most prestigious stupidity themed website Quillette huffily admitted this weekend that he uses dog shampoo.

Jordan Peterson, fresh off a triumphant world tour that included, according to the NY Post: “a strict meat and greens diet,” “a violent ‘sodium metabisulphite response,’” a “low dose of antidepressants” followed quickly by a higher dose of antidepressants, benzodiazepines, more benzodiazepines, “extreme anxiety, and suicidality,” ketamine in Toronto, rehab in New York, intubation, propofol, and an induced coma in Moscow, pneumonia, Covid-19, “akathisia — a restlessness condition linked with withdrawals of benzos” in Serbia, and more recovery in Canada, has a new book out in the spring which he definitely brought back with him from the FLATLINERS afterlife world. It’s called “Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life,” and is written in what one expert described to Tabs as “something like an ancient Finno-Ugric language that’s been run through a Zalgo text generator.” His creepy daughter spoke to the Sunday Times, partly using his face and voice, about the ordeal she definitely did not put him through.

And Elon Musk claims he is wiring monkeys up to play video games with their brains. There’s no way that can go wrong, I will confidently assert as a person who has never seen a single horror movie.

That’s a lot of bad men doing dumb stuff! How about something good? Daisy Alioto wrote a stupendously good essay about “Joan Didion for bisexuals” Fran Lebowitz for the newsletter Dirt: 

The arts are full of big guys and little guys but Lebowitz is the worst type of guy: the big guy that insists he’s a little one. 

It’s full of lines like that, just go read it. Then read Cat Ferguson explain why no one wants to use the vaccine data system the CDC paid Deloitte $44 million for. And don’t miss Esmé Weijun Wang’s Criterion essay about ROGUE ONE, representation, and American politics in the hell years.

Researchers in Soft Matter, the science journal for softbois and hygge girls, reveal how wombats poop cubes, and promise us that armed with this information, one day we may also be able to build machines that poop cubes. In Wired, Matt Simon reports that the Dyatlov Pass Incident may have been solved. The first baby tyrannosaur fossils were found, in Alberta and Montana. Somehow paleontologists have extrapolated this adorable little wee fuzzy thunder lizard:

from this boring fossilized stick:

which only reinforces my belief that paleontology is astrology for geologists.

Finally, here in Maine, the Old Kennebec Space Program has gotten off the ground with Brunswick company bluShift Aerospace successfully completing its first test launch of a 20 foot tall rocket powered by “bio-derived fuel.” The company won’t say what the fuel is made of, but bluShift CEO Sascha Deri did say “I discovered it with a friend of mine on my brother’s farm here in Maine,” so I’m gonna assume it’s sawdust mixed with Allen’s Coffee Brandy.

Today’s Song: I regret to inform you that Lil Huddy’s “21st Century Vampire” is a jam.

 ~ It was our business to squeeze these tabs back into fluid. A sweet and unctuous duty! ~

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