The Irish Unification of 2024 took a major step forward today as Queen Elizabeth II appeared to have eaten her last corgi but for a time remained officially “comfortable” and “under medical supervision” at Balmoral Castle, which is certainly one way to put it. In 2017, The Guardian’s Sam Knight laid out the carefully stage-managed media programme for the Queen’s death, but no plan goes perfectly, and The National Enquirer has already had to pull its latest issue from newsstands, as the page one headline “QUEENIE GOES SEX MAD” suddenly seemed rather crass.
But ultimately, the nuwus bwoke: “Queen Ewizabeth II… haz died aged 96.”
All across the crumbling shards of the former empire which predeceased her Queen Elizabeth II’s subjects expressed their grief. From the “lovely lands of South Africa and Rhodesia” where on her 21st birthday a young Princess Elizabeth found herself “taken to the hearts” of some of history’s most vicious white supremacists, to the loyal Irish peasants with their traditional memorial folk dance, the people of Britannia huddled closer to the guttering flames of their burning furniture and mourned a ruler they often felt as close to as their own dear Gran, who was equally helpless to prevent the collapse of their nation.
This would be the obligatory paragraph where I recap her entire life, which sounds incredibly boring so let’s both just pretend I did that. Superb marvelous middle class half-inch it, done up like a kipper one would be honoured to naff off bit of a Jack the lad nigh, pillock beefeater sausage roll. Pillock bovver boots chippy Southeners they can sod off pot noodle ever so lovely, tosser alright geezer a reet bobbydazzler lad they can sod off fish and chips, old chap golly gosh morris dancers alright geezer muck about bloody shambles. Fish fingers and custard black pudding forsooth jolly good pigeons in Trafalgar Square accordingly, trouble and strife bangers and mash off with her head get away with ya two weeks on't trot, I'd reet fancy a cuppa bossy britches plum pudding. Truly a British icon.
Elizabeth is survived by her three sons, the one who hung out with Jeffrey Epstein, the ginger podcaster, and King The Other One, and also by Henry Kissinger somehow.
And now, a word from our merch: If you’re ever the monarch of a failing empire for three quarters of a century, you don’t have to wait for death to free you. You can always quit! Make sure you never forget it with a You Can Always Quit t-shirt, made right here in the colonies and no longer subject to Stamp Act duties.
Shirts are now available to everyone, but if you did subscribe I wouldn’t mind it.
Clark County [Nevada] Public Administrator Robert Telles was arrested on suspicion of murder Wednesday evening in the fatal stabbing of Las Vegas Review-Journal reporter Jeff German, whose investigation of the politician contributed to his primary election loss in June.
I mean the facts of it are awful. The story is good reporting in extremely difficult circumstances.
“This isn’t the 1800s. You can’t pay me with a horse.” Brendan Fraser is back. Today in Bees. Vietnam arrests noodle vendor for “anti-state” impersonation of Salt Bae. Enzo Escober begs his fellow gays to transcend the dick pic. Prime Video’s William Gibson sci-fi series “The Peripheral” comes out October 21. It looks… yellow. A teaser trailer for Knives Out sequel “The Glass Onion” also dropped today. Y’all know what an onion has, raght? Layahs.
Finally, in an incredible twist:
Today’s Respectful Song: Sex Pistols, “God Save the Queen”
~ Oh Lord God have mercy, all tabs are paid ~
