Come fly away
It’s Thursday, and you know what we do here every Thursday. That’s right:
According to Bloomberg’s Joe Weisenthal, “Millennials Are Buying More and More Chickens.” I’m not sure I understand what a “Millennial” is anymore. A man was caught smuggling finches into J.F.K. from Guyana inside adorable little finch cages made of hair curlers. Why was someone smuggling finches? I’m extremely glad you asked!
Known for their singing ability, finches have become a valuable commodity in places like Brooklyn and Queens, where the caged birds are pitted in competition against one another, often in parks. The ones that can sing fastest or longest typically win, reaping not only bragging rights for their owners but also gambling money—not to mention scrutiny from law enforcement officers that has led to a string of previous arrests.
I guess the best legal advice is: never tweet. Sherwin-Williams debuted an eldritch, monstrous new color, delivered by pigeon. Drones are robot birds but they have no feelings, which is good because the Icelandic drone film guy flew one directly into an erupting volcano. The U.K.’s University of York awarded an honorary degree to its beloved campus duck, Long Boi, allegedlythe tallest mallard in recorded mallard history. He’s Doctor Long Boi now. Is Jeff Goldblum a bird? Who can say. But he will be joining the Dungeons & Dragons podcast Dark Dice starting next month.
The Expanded Bird News Cinematic Universe
Dogs are the birds of the land, and robot dogs are the dog of robots, so it probably counts as bird news that the NYPD is retiring its experimental robot dog early since everyone hated it. It is strange though, the NYPD has never cared about being hated before? While we should only be replacing police with “no police,” we could replace CEOs with robots argues the New Statesman’s Will Dunn. And it’s time to drown your sorrows in Woodford Reserve because this weekend is the Shame of Louisville, the Sorrow of Churchill Downs, yes The Kentucky Derby. Tabs reader Alana Heiss contributed this Derby-related suggestion:
I caught Intern Pernell lounging in the Tabs break room this morning, completely absorbed in his phone and swiping furiously. He swore he was “making content.”
Buying drugs on the internet has never been easier! Yes Plz deals in the finest coffee beans from around the world, roasted fresh, delivered discreetly to your mailbox. Pause or cancel anytime.
Swiping Across The Globe
Tinder celebrated the one-year anniversary of the pandemic by making Tinder Passport, a paid feature that allows people to swipe in other places outside their local area, free for the month of April. Like most of you, I’m also a little more horny than usual after being stuck mostly indoors for over a year. So here are 4 people I swiped with that are thousands of miles away from Los Angeles and willing to be vulnerable (i.e. horny) with Tabs readers:
Sanjeeva from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
“I’m using the passport feature because men here are absolute shit. Many are closeted (as Malaysia is a Conservative/Muslim country) and those who match often just want meaningless sex. Dating here as a gay man isn’t hard, it’s terrible. I lived in London for 4 years and I miss the openness, the quality of guys, and conversation that London has to offer.”
Kai from Charleston, South Carolina
“I have met a lot of people, also a lot of people have followed me on my Instagram which is great because I’m a very visual person. The guys in L.A. are way more accepting of trans women than in Charleston. Though I do see more non-binary people here on the app than in Los Angeles.”
Ehlana from Australia
“I started using Passport because I was bored in bed on a sick day. I like to swipe in Sydney because where I am right now, boys have mullets and don’t take pride in their appearance. In Sydney, the guys are more stuck up, but dress well, look presentable, and are well-educated. But they will usually see my location and unmatch.”
Johann from Singapore
“I’m swiping in Hong Kong, Melbourne, Seoul, Kuala Lumpur, and oh, Hawaii. I find the guys there more attractive.”
(No further comment was given.)
Pernell dropped this on my desk and then said he “had to be somewhere,” and I haven’t seen him since. He better not be on a plane to Kuala Lumpur.
Ashley found JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon’s secret Instagram account (and his secret Twitter too). Bill McKibben says that solar is suddenly so cheap, “even if the analysts are too optimistic by half, we’ll still be swimming in cheap solar energy.” Reply All returns with an update, but apparently Gimlet parent company Spotify had some trouble hosting it for them. Order a truckload of woodchips, because Colorado is about to legalize human composting. Edith Zimmerman’s newsletter was really good today: “Do you think you ‘fear success?’” Does anyone not fear success? Couldn’t be me. Let’s take Dodai Stewart’s advice and just shut everything down for a week.
Tomorrow: It’s Intern Pernell’s last day, which means he gets to do a whole Tabs himself! We’ll also make it an Open Thread for subscribers, and I hope everyone who signed up today will say hello. If you haven’t subscribed, it’s just $25 for a whole year, through tomorrow only.
Today’s Song: Penelope Scott, “Rät”
~ I studied tabs because I wanted to do something great like you, and the real tragedy is half of it was true ~
I had a really good first week back from vacation. I hope you did too. I’ll see you in the comments tomorrow, or I’ll see you in the Tabs on Monday. Never tweet. Here’s a Yahoo! about a cat:
Not at all.